There's quite a lot of phone scams going around, including the one where they accuse you of criminal activity and have suspended your unsuspendable unique government identifier numeral. I'm covering these in rough chronological order, so it'll be some weeks before we get there. One of these is one I actually fell for.
How it Works
- Call a mark pretending to be a representative of Microsoft
- Claim there is something wrong with their Windows machine
- [Here, I begin to speculate] Get them to install malware under the pretense of fixing their computer
- Siphon off any useable data
- Probably also get money for this as a part of siphoning off their bank account with it.
Like I said, I didn't fall for it. And here's why.
Attempt the First
I answer the phone and there's a suspiciously long silence on the line before I'm connected with a call center somewhere in India. A heavily-accented man informs me that Microsoft have detected an anomaly in my Windows machine.
Me (all innocence): Really? It's been turned off for three years.
Click.
Attempt the Second
I answer the phone and there's a suspiciously long silence on the line before I'm connected with a call center somewhere in India. A different yet still very accented individual informs me that Microsoft has detected an anomaly in my Windows machine.
Me: How did you do that?
Them: We have detected an anomaly on your machine, ma'am. You must act quickly to fix it.
Me: No really, I wanna know how you did it.
Them: Why does it matter to you? I am here to help you.
Me: Because I haven't been able to make my PC work for two years.
Click.
Attempt the Third
I answer the phone and hear that long silence again. Oh shit, thinks I, here we go again. Small shock, there's the babble of a call center and an Indian accent. I'm sick of this.
Them: Hello, my name is [WHATEVER], I represent Microsoft. We have detected an anomaly on your Windows machine.
Me: I use a Mac.
Click.
After about five of these, I was really sick of them calling. There were like a dozen repeats of their third attempt before I thought... I'm gonna mess these people up.
My Cunning Plan
- Primary Goal - delay them to heck and gone
- By appearing to be an ideal victim
- But not actually do anything
Therefore, I invented a character. Dear old Dorothy "Dotty" Matrixe [pronounced, ma-tree-ss] who is an octogenarian and doesn't grok technology at all. The only computer she has is an old Atari that her son brought over for the grandkiddies to play with when the family is visiting.
I'm pretty okay at voice acting - and I must be - because the best call I had lasted for ages.
The Best Call (Summarised)
I answer the phone and there's that long silence again. A space of time I use to add that vocal fry and pitch my voice a little higher and sound a touch more British. The nice plummy tones of an ancient Girl's Elocution Class. I'm ready.
They read their script.
"Dotty": Oh dear... what's happened to it?
Them: [stick with their random "anomaly" excuse]
"Dotty": I'm afraid I don't know much about those adding machines, I only have it for the kiddies. How- how did it get broken?
Them: [With dollar signs dancing in their head] I will help you fix your computer. Can you tell me which version of Windows you are running?
"Dotty": I... I don't know how to tell you. Let me turn on the television, give me a moment.
Them: Ma'am. Ma'am. Do not turn on the television! You need to turn on your Windows computer.
"Dotty": Well it doesn't work without the television. You can't see what it's doing... Give me a minute, there's some instructions on how to make it go. My son put it all together you know. He and the kiddies are geniuses at it, I don't understand.
Them: What do you see on the screen when it is on.
"Dotty": It has to warm up, you understand. Where's my reading glasses? [Rustle rustle rummage in a random drawer]
[At this point, I had googled what an Atari start screen looks like because I wanted some authenticity]
Them: What is on the screen please?
"Dotty": It says... insert. Cart. Ridge... It wants one of the bits of plastic toast.
...cue Yakkety Sax. I managed to keep up the circular argument about the "plastic toast" and calling the computer "a tar eye" for two hours. It more or less went like this:
Them: Ma'am I need the Windows computer. The real computer.
"Dotty": I only have the one, dear, and its a Tar Eye. You still haven't told me which bit of toast you want me to put in.
Honestly, the hardest part was not giggling. Eventually they tired of getting "Dotty" on the hook and it was getting close to collecting my youngins. So there was a window of opportunity.
Them: What time do the kiddies come home ma'am? Maybe they can help with all of this.
Me: [Seriously considering telling them that my imaginary son "Sammy" is a police officer. Hmm nah I'll just drop the boot]
"Dotty": Do you even know what a Tar Eye is?
Them: [VERY tired of this] Yes, ma'am I know what Atari is.
Me: [Dropping character] Do you know when you're being wound up?
Click.
They must have slammed that hang-up button so hard it broke. I imagine they threw their headset at a wall and cussed the air blue. Serves them right for preying on the under-educated.
There were a very few subsequent attempts after that, but after about five iterations of "a Tar Eye" they stopped calling for some reason. Some of them even hung up when they heard "Dotty's" quavering, "Hello? Who may I say is speaking please?"
I wonder if it was something I said.
[Image (c) Can Stock Photo / keki]