I'm going to keep this post short and sweet, but today marks a special day for me.
December 10th, 2016 was the last day that I smoked a crack rock and snorted a lot of heroin.
I had overdosed and nearly died only a few days before this date - I was in a back alley and no one was around. SOMEHOW, EMT's found me and brought me back - it took 3 hits of Narcan (opiate/opioid reversing agent) to bring me back, along with the good old "sternum rub" (other junkies will know what this means).
I left Vancouver on the 10th high as a kite - only knowing that I was returning home to NY, a failure, yet again - except this time I was going to rehab.
I was going to get clean and sober for good.
I did a 5-day hospital detox/taper using low dose methadone.
Then, I went directly to a 30-day rehab and successfully completed it.
I moved back to my childhood home with my family, feeling low and miserable - trying to patch things up with my ex, broke as a joke, and a failure in everyone's eyes.
But something clicked in rehab - I had the power to choose whether or not I picked up and used. I had the power to say NO.
All I had to do was love myself first. Forgive myself. Accept myself for who I was - my faults and all.
It wasn't an easy process. It took months and months of struggling, depression, mania (I'm manic depressive bipolar, on top of being an addict), as well as never really getting over my ex. It took a solid 8.5 months to finally realize that I had to put myself first.
So I did. I started writing. I started talking and venting. I started accepting who I was - even the bad parts. I started making little changes daily.
I started walking instead of just talking.
And about a month ago, it finally hit - I realized that I was actually starting to find happiness again.
I was starting to LOVE myself.
10 months ago I was strung out, homeless, hopeless, and one of the shittiest human beings on the face of the earth with the way I behaved.
The street in this picture is called "Hastings Street" in the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver - the street that nearly took my life.
Now - I can proudly say that I HAVE indeed changed. I'm not perfect. I still make mistakes.
But I'm growing. I'm learning to accept responsibility and face the consequences, instead of running and masking the pain by getting high.
As they famously say in Narcotics Anonymous - "Just for Today: I will set my own house in order. Today, I will examine my part in the problems in my life. If I owe amends, I will make them."
I think this picture perfectly portrays my sentiments to a T.
And day by day, I'm making amends and growing - little by little.
If you're struggling with addiction, remember - you're not alone. Help is available. Talk to someone - get the help you need and change your life.
If I didn't get help, I wouldn't be writing this right now - I'd be 6 feet under or in prison. Don't let that be your fate. You always have a choice.
You are strong. You can do this. I believe in you. And I'm here if you're suffering and need to talk <3
So, happy 10 months clean to me. I can't wait until I make it 1 year!
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