So since I was a kid, I've always made up alternative lyrics to songs like I was Weird Al. Weird Phe, perhaps.
So this one started in the shower, and I just finished it. To the tune of The Stalker's Anthem Every Breath You Take by The Police, I give you "Some Men Are Creeps." If you're wondering, I wrote it from the perspective of being taken as a woman, since I usually am still treated as such:
Some men are creeps
Those men are weak
Note that I said “some”
I did not say “all”
Please calm your shit
Stalking doesn’t woo
You are not my boo
Stop with the catcalls
Or I’ll kick your balls
Some men are creeps
Some women do
This bullshit too
That’s not okay
It sucks either way
But mostly it is dudes
Who are cis and straight
I am not your date
Nor am I your mate
You are just a perv
You are not a nice guy, you’re just an ass
Egotistical presumption, no class
No one thinks you are suave, leave me alone
Get a dictionary and look up “no”
I keep walkin’, do not follow meeeeeeeee
Oh, can’t you see
You don’t own me
My body aches
For you to go away
Telling me to smile
Makes me taste some bile
I am not your doll
I don’t want your call
Don’t ask my number
I’m not your baby
This is not maybe
Please take a hint
Please take a hint
(I don’t want a ride)
(You are not that nice)
(I do not trust you)
(Can you please just shoo) Some men are creeps
(Do not touch my drink)
(Creeped out when you wink)
(I don’t like your kink)
(I am on the brink) Some men are creeps
(Don’t stare at my boobs)
(They are not for you)
(Makeup’s not a trick)
(Don’t be such a prick) Some men are creeps
(Do not grab my ass)
(Don’t care if it’s phat) Youuuuu, suck
(You are such a sleaze)
(I am not a tease) Some men are creeps
(Didn’t dress for you)
(I got dressed for me)
(Like to look pretty)
(Find it self pleasing) Some men are creeps
(I got shit to do)
(Catcalling’s not cool)
(I am not a dog)
(Whistling like a hog) Some men are creeps
(Do not make me late)
(You fill me with hate)
(Headphones are on me)
(Means don’t bother me) Some men are creeps
(I am really gay)
(Please just go away)