20 Things I Learned in My 20’s - Lesson 1: Getting Sober

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Turning Thirty

As an homage to my turning THIRTY next month, I am writing a list of “20 Things I Learned in my 20’s”. It is a deeply personal account of all the lessons I’ve painstakingly learned during this decade.

These lessons come from real affairs of the heart and soul:

• those heart-wrenching guttural shrieks of just everything and nothing
• long moments of painful awkwardness
• perpetual spiritual confusion
• the overwhelming heartache, emotional despair, and dark depression that led me cliffside too many times

But also,

• moments of beautiful brilliance and absolute raw passion of youth
• the openness with which I just took everything in
• the pureness & tenacity of spirit that had me throw myself into the game again and again and again
• the romance of being a person alive on this planet.

Why am I doing this?

My reasons for writing this list are twofold.

1. It is my offering to the world. Maybe something I write will spark something in you. Maybe it is the sign you are looking for.
2. This is my way of processing the decade. Leading up to turning thirty, I minimized its impact. Like a blissful ostrich with its head in the sand, I said, ‘Thirty? Psh.. whatever, it’s just a number; it doesn’t matter to me.” I thought I was too good to freak out over turning thirty and now that it’s almost a month away, I’m nervous. It’s fucking Thirty! What the fuck. When did this happen? And maybe writing this list will answer that question - It happened when all this learning was going on, duh!

I’ll post a new lesson daily from today to January 6, 2019 and compile them all into one at the end. And without further ado, Lesson Uno.

Lesson 1. Getting sober

 

Last New Year, I kicked my last bad habit's ass - tobacco, which has now been replaced with food so maybe not quite last.

At the time, I didn’t realize what tobacco represented until after I was smoke-free.

In my 20’s, I ran, hiked, practiced yoga, and ate clean, but also kept a cigarette in my running shorts for after my run, could be found at happy hour several days of the week, and was out for all hours on weekends, staggering into work on Mondays.

My life worked so why change anything?

In fact, I was impressed that I could keep a good diet and exercise regimen and still booze, smoke, and drug. It seemed to be a testament to my "keeping-my-shit-together-ness".

 

Me, then: So, you mean I CAN have my cake and eat it too?!

Me, now (more wrinkled): No, Annette, no, it just doesn’t work like that. You CAN'T have both.

 

My nicotine addiction was keeping me from the next chapter. It was my last attachment to a previous life.

• If I hadn’t quit smoking, I wouldn’t have been able to participate in the two 10-day meditation courses at the Vipassana Center in Shelburne this past Fall, which changed my life.
• If I was still smoking, it would be exponentially more difficult to find housesitting gigs that allow Jim and I this unique lifestyle that I love - free, nomadic, and minimal.
• While I was a smoker (or drinker or drugger), it was my self-referenced identity (I am a smoker)
• I related to myself as someone who was incapable of making her own choices; they were being made for me. When really, that’s not who I am.
• I would have to plan where I go around my cigarette breaks - when I’m there, how can I schedule my time around cigarette consumption? How can I make sure the smell doesn’t disturb those around me, i.e. how can I HIDE this thing I do?

There was so much shame around my addictions that I felt inauthentic about who I was. I knew this wasn't me, but it was what I was doing. I was living in-congruent with my values and that was killing my soul.

So when it started to create tension in my relationship with Jim, I decided to kick it. I wasn't willing to risk putting bad energy into our wonderful relationship for some cigarettes.

I smoked my last cigarette on December 31, 2018 while holed up in a tiny house in Western Massachusetts with Jim and that choice ended up inviting so much abundance into my life that I didn't anticipate.

Freedom in Sobriety

Now being alcohol-, drug-, and tobacco-free, my path to well-being can actually begin. It frees me up to be someone other than these things that actually have no bearing on who I am as a person.

 

And while addictions do not define a person, addictive behaviors end up being what we spend our time doing and our actions are what create our life.

Now, I can focus my time on activities that I choose for me, instead of spending time on obligatory activities for the sake of consumption.

I haven’t been this sober since 17 years old; and like a fish doesn’t realize she’s in water until she is no longer in the water, I also didn’t realize what I was swimming in, until I got sober.

I still have the rare beer, joint, or hallucinogen, but it’s very infrequent and no longer used to numb out and escape. Maybe that will change in the next few years as I continue to learn and grow. I mean gosh, I AM only 29.9 years old! I’m just seeing what works and what doesn’t.

The Zombie Decade

In part, I credit my sobriety to my waking up to the zombie life I was living. While under the spell of drugs and alcohol, I didn’t notice that I was working to buy things I don’t need to perpetuate the life I didn’t choose until the day I exclaim with a GASPING breath on my deathbed, “WHAT THE FUCK! When did this happen?!”

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