Lesson 4: Thinking With the Heart.
I used to think I was so smart. I had a need to be smart. I loved reading smart books. I loved philosophical discourse, smart people talking about smart things.
A worshiper at the cult of the intellect. Big words, complex ideas, and conceptual thinking.
Walters Art Museum - Baltimore, MD - 8/2019
I loved art and the humanities, but much preferred to study STEM. I switched my major from English literature to science and even picked molecular and cellular biology in part because it sounded "harder" than biology. It made me feel smart. Then I went on to a Master's program in Business Analytics because it's a hot field for smart people.
A deeply irrational belief system I had was that even if nothing else in my life worked, as long as I was smart, then it was okay.
This year, I re-discovered what it's like to Think with My Heart. Some people call it intuition. Other times it's living your truth. To me, it's about being present to feelings, emotions, and intuition.
Working with a Sex Coach
Last New Year, my resolution was to get in touch with my intuition. Issues of self doubt and insecurity were chronic in my life and the root of all that was in trusting myself, which goes hand in hand with knowing my intuition on an intimate level. How can I trust myself if I don't know what my voice is?
So over the late winter months, I had the opportunity to work with a sex coach who helped me with some embodiment practices. These included homework assignments like sexy dancing and guided meditations where I embodied egos and characters.
Willow Tree - Yarmouth Port, MA - 6/2019
These exercise were totally out of my comfort zone and unlike anything I had done before. It seemed so New Age and turmeric to me, it was stuff that other people do, not me. But I was more than willing to try it and give it my full intention and purpose because I love to try new things.
- So, I lit some candles and sexy danced in my room to Urban Flora by Alina Baraz
- I embodied my Little Child ego to put some old hurts to rest
- I howled into the air and let out some guttural noises I would be too self conscious to do any other time
What Feelings?
Brooklyn, NYC - 07/2019
During some of our earliest arguments, Jim would point out that I'm talking in my business voice. That's what he called it when I began talking like a robot. This is the voice I use that elicits as little emotion as possible so my feelings don't make an appearance. I actually thought this was the Right Way. I considered it Zen. Check me out being so neutral - so unflappable. How mature.
It was later uncovered as Apathy but just now as I right this, I think it is more accurate to say that the action is Dissociation, the result is Apathy. My mind would check out and I would be detached from the situation until it blew over.
Dropping the act of dissociating and becoming apathetic, my emotions came out full force in a torrent.
For the first time in my life, feelings were being felt and given attention. They weren't being swept under a rug, suppressed, or otherwise "dealt with".
What's even crazier is I've only ever acknowledged very basic emotions: Anger, Sadness, Happiness, etc. If this was a Rainbow scenario, I was only familiar with the primary colors.
Vipassana Meditation
This past Fall I sat my first 10 day Vipassana meditation and also served a course. Serving a course means for 10 days I'm cooking all the meals with other volunteers in support of those meditating, as well as caring for my own Dhamma practice.
When I sat the course as a meditator, I observed for 10 hours a day as my mind behaved like a crazy person. Where previously there was confidence in my logic and reason, I was suddenly bewildered to watch as my mind jumped from wild conclusions to insecurities born out of thin air.
But that certainly wasn't me who was doing the thinking, so then who was it? My conditioning surrounding the belief system, my cult-like worship of Mind as Supreme, was crumbling. (You can read my post about this experience here.)
Serving the course was another incredible growth experience and through a fellow volunteer, the crust of my heart softened a little more, letting the love shine in a bit more. That was a very confronting experience, which I have been putting off writing about, but the post is on order soon.
Red Flowers against a Blue, Blue Sky 10/2019
Leaning In
Recently at one of our housesitting gigs, on the nightstand was Pema Chodron's book, The Places that Scare You. The book recommends a method of dealing with complicated emotions that is incredibly effective.
Drop the storyline and lean into the emotion.
For example, days after reading that excerpt, I felt a strong feeling of jealousy. It was also making me angry, but primarily it was this jealous rage. Dropping the reason for feeling jealous from my mind, I felt what there was to feel.
This jealousy was pure, intense, and sat at the base of my throat, radiating outward. I felt choked up. The feeling of it was actually exquisite. It's strange to describe jealousy with such a beautiful word, but that's what comes to mind. When I drop the story of what jealousy is, there is nothing inherently negative about it, it just is free to be.
The feeling of jealousy is different from anger. When I lean into anger, it is located in my chest, over my heart. A tight, hard, gnawing knot that is so hard and brittle, it feels like it could shatter. Permeating into my entire being.
One of my practices learned from Vipassana is metta meditation. Metta is defined as loving kindness and feels warm and glowing. The energy is ever expanding and I visualize all the people in my life to whom I pass on this beautiful feeling. I give love to everyone I can think of and the world. But this practice of generating love is a hard one for me to do and so I practice.
Some time has passed since quitting my job and beginning Tantra Banter with Jim, nearly half a year; and with this perspective I see that this has been for me, the story of a robot learning to love again.
Tomorrow is Lesson 5: Integrity.
Read Yesterday's Lesson 3: The Secret to Motivation is Getting Clear on Your Values
Read Lesson 2: Personal Responsibility
Posted from my blog with SteemPress : http://www.tantrabanter.com/20-things-i-learned-in-my-20s-lesson-4-thinking-with-the-heart/