If life was an entity, a feeling, thinking being, I have to say I am a bit disappointed and angry at it. I want to curl up in the earth under a tree, being cooled down by the life giving soil. I feel the cool and empty tugging at me. Me eyes and head hurting by the smallest beam of light. How ironic that I am brought into this world with the deep love for art, the necessity to create and the need to dance. Just to walk into an illness that is challenging especially that.
Three months I have lived in utterly darkness, having adventures of leaving behind who I was. Days of one long dialogue of me and myself trying to find a way to the light. Hoping that understanding the why could give a clue. Days of darkness soft and sweet taking my pain away. Falling down into the place where the body doesn't exist. After the darkness is the visual symbolic language. That place is home and is one big interaction, using a language designed especially for me.
The road to recovery is the hard part. Fighting for my life against a bacteria, that is if you think about it, also fighting for its life. I didn't get depressed in those three months or the years following. But I am afraid, for the more intense pain the light is giving me now, going back to that place of almost nonexistence and than have to start the road to recovery all over again.