How to overcome the fear of change and independence
Like always, on my TED talks I’ll talk about my experience in dealing with an issue like this. For those of you who do not know what I do for a living, I am a cook on a cruise ship. So, this story is going to be the story of my first contract and my first experience that far from home. I’ve been living on my own before that and been independent from my parents for a few years. That boosted my confidence and independence, but each month, when I had trouble getting to the end of the month with average salary I had, my mother would jump in and buy me food, give me money and drop by. Whenever I had mental problems, there were always two - three close friends that would make me feel better just by listening to my problems. At that time I was thinking, I am not specially tied to anyone here and it would be easy for me to go six to eight months away from home. I won’t miss my parents I am not super close with them, who cares. It’s all going to be easy and okay. How wrong was I!? I went to the job interview, passed it all good, and they were asking me for an amount of money that isn’t easily acquired here. In order to start this contract, I had to loan money and after that, there was no going back. My first contract was starting from the Carribean islands and for the first four months the ship stayed there. After few plane rides and 23 hours later, I was in Jamaica, so far away from home, with an uneasy and anxious feeling in my gut. At that point, half a world away from home, all alone, with eight months of having no idea what is waiting for me, the panic woke in me. Right then and there I regretted going! Once we got to the ship, they gave me the uniform and threw me right into the kitchen, with people from all over the world: Jamaicans, Philipinos, Dominicans… All of them were speaking loudly, running, sweating… Whatever I saw I had no idea how to do, since the only experience I had was making pizzas. Reasonably enough, the anxiety rose… They assigned a man from Honduras to train me and show me the work, but, unfortunately for me, he was short-tempered, not very good English speaker and whatever he told me, I asked him to repeat it. Every single time he needed to tell me something he would get angry. Every time I misunderstood something, he would get mad, and when the chef of the kitchen would shout at me, he would shout at me too. I would as always completely lose myself to the point that couldn’t do the job properly. With each new day after finishing 10 hours of work, I would go back to the cabin, look at the calendar, stressed, tired, scared, with no friends, no parents, half a world away from home. I thought to myself: ‘’Seven and a half months more, how will I ever get through this?’’ A week from starting my job I had no pause, there are no days off, I couldn’t catch a break nor think. I broke, out of anxiety and fear, on the work pause. I broke, and started crying, a grown man who was under so much pressure that I hated myself for even coming here. I went to the open deck, we were in Costa Rica at the time, and thought: ‘’I’ll loan money, and buy a ticket back home. I can’t do this, this is too much…’’ In spite of being so far away from home, I took my phone and called my mom, told her what was happening - which was a mistake since she’s highly paranoid woman. She started plotting how to get me back, what to do, but after awhile we realized that I need to stay at least one month so we can pay all the loans back. I decided to just endure it, no matter how bad it is, no matter how much pressure there is. The call helped me, I heard a familiar voice, felt a bit less alone, but only for a few hours, before I came back to what I thought in that moment was hell.
I’ll get back to my anxiety and what happened next, but before that, I need to describe a very important person to the story. His name was Leiva, he was a 6 feet tall, big black guy from Guatemala, with dreadlocks… Despite his physique, he gave me a feeling of a gentle giant, he was so gentle-speaking and calm, mannered man, reminded me much of the actor from the movie “Green Mile, Michael Clarke Duncan. Leiva didn’t speak English very well, so the chefs and the other workers vere giving him so much trouble, made fun of him, made him work overtime, finishing jobs he wasn’t supposed to… No matter how hard they made it for him, he never cursed, looked angry, he would just shrug it off and keep working. When we had time after work and when we would go out, I would often go out with Leiva. I remember, some street people, in Cuba, Havana, locals scamming for money would come to me and asked me if I was alone, probably thinking of robbing me, but Leiva who was buying something nearby, would usually say with his deep voice: ‘’No he is not.’’. I remember them changing the look on their faces and moved along right away. At the end of every shift, Leiva needed a trolley to bring the food for breakfast. He could never finish the shift on time because of other workers. They would hide the trolley on purpose so he would have to search for it and lose the precious time. I decide it to take it on myself and every night, when I would find a trolley, I would hide it in my fridge, because I was working beside one, and gave it to him at the end of the day. So, me and Leiva became good friends. Now, back to the happenings. One day, there was a famous British person coming on the ship and in the kitchen they told us that we can not make a mistake that day and that we need to work the best we can. As usual, the anxiety hit me, but the whole staff was on edge and that didn’t make things easier. I remember having troubles cutting cucumbers, my hands were shaking and the worker from Honduras was shouting at me to hurry up. I couldn’t stand it anymore, I was ready to give up, I was ready to either break down and fall into depression, or get mad and curse all of them out and get expelled from the ship… In that moment, Leiva was making a food delivery into that kitchen, and they started shouting at him, he forgot or didn’t understand all the items he needed to bring, the chef was calling him dumb, incompetent, stupid big guy, while others were laughing at him… Leiva understood it all, and he looked at me, saw what state I am in, and how I am acting. In the middle of all that commotion, Leiva started to laugh out loud, and since his voice was deep you could hear it better than everyone else. Everyone was confused, including me, why would he laugh at such a bad time under such high pressure. I didn’t understand how someone locked in a voluntary prison could not care that much. And then Leiva shouted: ‘’Stefaaaaan, what’s the matter my friend, what is the problem? You work with your heart, brother and when you work with your heart, nobody can take that away!’.’ After he said that to me, Leiva continued to laugh as he went out the door. In that moment, I couldn’t stop tears, but not tears out of fear or sadness, but the tears of realization of his words. In that exact moment, I thought to myself: ‘’Yes, you are a half world away from home, you are giving your all, can they expel you from the ship because of that, can they not pay you? Nope, none of that is possible, so why not just let go of this and do exactly what Leiva said - work with your heart, no matter how much work there is or how important that work is. Right there, in that moment, all the worries, all the fear and anxiety was gone, just like that. I realized that I am not a boy anymore, that I have myself to lean on, that I am a man responsible for my own actions, my own fears, doubts, and that it’s all me and my mind - problems and solutions for it. When nothing really bad can happen to me, aside from being tired and yelled at, I was ready. I was okay, my hands stopped shaking and I started working, twice as fast, twice as good. Not paying attention to any offences or harsh words of other people, I used them to learn and better myself, I used them to get closer to people, to communicate, and all of the sudden, that kitchen that seemed like hell wasn’t hell anymore. It was just a kitchen, where I can do my work the best way I can, and when the work hours ended one day, I would out in Cuba, than Colombia and Jamaica, and make memories of my lifetime. By myself, with myself, believing in myself. From that point on, there was only one possible direction for my work - up, getting better and better. I’ve written this before, in a shorter and less descriptive way, and when someone did read it, she told me: “This is beautiful, we all need Leiva in our lives”. I agree, but not in the sense she meant it. You don’t really need anyone to tell you that you can succeed, you don’t really need anyone to tell you they’re proud of you, even though it feels good. Leiva can be a book, a song, an inspirational speech, this speech can be your Leiva. Most importantly, you can be Leiva to yourself. So, be it, you can do it all! I am not religious but one religious line stuck with me: ‘’The kingdom of God, is within you.’’ The only thing you need to do is realize it, and pardon my French, catch life by the cojones (esp. balls). Any of you is capable of that. All obstacles, illusions of fear and anxiety are just your brain making you stronger, testing you, so what are you going to do, give into it or work and live, with all your heart ??
After three months, Leiva told me he is going back home to Guatemala. He will start working in United States and bring his family. On the last day of work he asked me to go with him, on my work break. We went out on the port and we came up to a beautiful lady, who was in traditional Guatemalan dancing clothes, and he said: “This is my wife”, and introduced me to her as a friend of his. He spoke about how precious and good his kids are. He was so happy, like always. It was a beautiful day. I forgot to add Leiva on Facebook, I forgot to ask for his contact, we were too busy having fun. After that day, Leiva went home with his family and I never saw him again. But what he had done for me will always remind me of a happy giant from Guatemala, and I will always be happy I got to meet him. And every time when I think if I can or can not do something, I’d think: ‘’What would Leiva do?’’ and the answer is always the same, he would smile and do the best he can, because in life that is all you can do!! As for me, I finished the contract with good evaluation and went home like another man, a man more sure of himself, by no means perfect, but on a good track to become a better version of himself!! Now, for all of you that do not believe in a story like this, when you are faced with a tough obstacle in life, think to yourself - what is the worst that can happen and if it happens, can I get through it and try again, or get over it? If the answer is yes, which usually is, then what are you waiting for??