In my first BLOG, (Do you have autistic children? You may have Asperger's Syndrome) I mentioned when the psychologist asked me, "Is there anyone else in your family who's Autistic?" And I responded, "Well if it would be anybody... It'd be me." Because of my OCD. Not thinking it would amount to anything. Then the psychologist immediately turned her attention to me. Turns out I've had Asperger's Syndrome or "High Functioning Autism" all my life and didn't know it. But I also mentioned in that BLOG that I always knew there was something different about me. But if you wanna know the truth, when the movie "Rain Man" came out on HBO (probably around 1990) I remember specifically thinking, "I think I have what he has." But Dustin Hoffman's character's Autism was so severe that I also thought, "Well it can't be that." Because most of my childhood my family always said I was gifted, which is common with Asperger's Syndrome. Back then no one knew of the spectrum. But I never was able to shake the feeling that I was Autistic. Well, if you know anything about Autism then you've probably learned that we have "mind-blindness" where we miss the obvious things in life. For example social cues and just simple things in general that most people take for granted. But even after having this feeling I was Autistic, after my first daughter was diagnosed with Autism I still couldn't put the pieces together...
I was so amazed by her that I use to think, "Man I wish I was Autistic!" Crazy right? And yet when I got my diagnosis I became angry. Not meltdown angry or anything like that, but regular angry. So, after looking into this I'm thinking I might've been going through the first stage of grief for several years. Stage one is denial. Basically, denial helps us to cope and make survival possible. I honestly believe that deep down I've been in denial about being Autistic ever since I saw Rain Man. I just tried to ignore it. Besides who would've listened to me back then. I was only 12 and this was 1990.
Next, the second stage of the grieving process is anger. After my diagnosis I immediately went to the most basic form of anger, which was anger directed toward God. I thought, "Why did God allow me to have Autism? I didn't do anything to deserve this!" But I have to give myself some credit. My anger only lasted about a day. And why's that you ask? Well it's because I do believe in God. But long before I knew I was Autistic... I was an atheist, who was seriously struggling with alcohol. First thing in the morning I use to chug a large glass of tequila, which went on and on for months. I was totally oblivious to how belligerent I was being around my wife. It finally got to the point where she said she was leaving. Of course I begged her to stay saying, "I'll go to Alcoholics Anonymous. I'll even go to church. Whatever I got to do. Please just give me another chance?" And when she said she would... I said to God, "Okay, if you're up there God, I'll give you one shot to convince me your real... If you'll help me keep my family." Then I promised to read the bible every day for forty days. About a week later, I became a believer. So, like I said, I already believed in God when I got my diagnosis. In fact, there was a period of about five years where I was obsessed with reading the bible. And that knowledge I was given of God's word was how I was able to let go of the anger I felt about having Autism so rapidly. Of course the whole bible is amazing, but there's one story that really resonates with me concerning my acceptance of having Autism... The story about the blind man in the Gospel of John. Jesus literally healing the blind man is a picture about how everyone is spiritually blind before they come to the truth that Jesus is God. And Autism of course deals with mind-blindness. But more specifically, there's this part when Jesus' disciples ask him why the man was born blind...
John 9:1 And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him
It didn't take long for me to remember this story. I realized that God wants to be glorified through my Autism. You see, I know I can communicate better than most people with Autism, so my goal is to be one of the major mouth pieces for the Autism community. I can teach what no neuro-typical doctor can. And I want to stick up for those who can't stick up for themselves. So, stay tuned to hear more deep, heartfelt messages like this one. Get ready to hear what you've never heard before about things like... Why we lack eye contact? Why we have meltdowns? Do we lack empathy? And many, many more. Plus, a lot of other silly BLOGS to even it out. If you have Autism/Asperger’s or know someone that does please follow me along this journey as I try my best to give insight into the world and the mind of Autism. Plus don’t forget to UPVOTE, SUBSCRIBE and also to check out my group on FACEBOOK: AUTISM BAD ASSES..."We don't look back at explosions. We have them!" This is Aspie Joe. Thank you and God bless.