I remember my mom always saying, "I earned this one". She was referring to how I always got good grades, kept my room extremely neat and for the most part pretty much obeyed her and my dad. However, these so called "good" things I did were not done by choice, but rather because of my OCD: One of the many symptoms of Autism. But when you compared me to my other siblings, who created total chaos, I came off as the golden child. To my parents, my OCD wasn't a problem... It went entirely undetected. And In fact, I was actually rewarded because of it. I got my Black Belt in Karate when I was 15, graduated with a 4.0 GPA, which led to my dad buying me a sports car for graduation. And then shortly after I even joined the Navy and excelled there too. Now I'm married. I'm 39, I have two beautiful daughters, who just happen to be Autistic.
But I can't work. The separation anxiety I feel when I'm away from my daughters makes it unable for me to hold down a job. When I was on my own, things weren't so bad as far as being Asperger’s, even though at the time I didn't know I had it. I had no one to worry about but myself. If I felt stressed, I'd self-medicate with either alcohol or weed. And as far as finances go, I was succeeding. But right before my first child was born, something changed. A break down. The feeling of being away from my daughter when I was at work terrified me. You see, I was abused as a child and my birth father also abandoned me. And I promised I'd always be there for my kids. But when you're Autistic, it's above and beyond having to be there. I can't function unless there with me. Very problematic for a man who's supposed to provide for his family. No amount of therapy in the world can cure this either. This is how I was designed. But it wasn't until my second daughter was being diagnosed that I got the diagnosis as well. I never even considered it. Though I always knew there was something different about me. I didn't fit in in school. I just didn't know how to communicate socially. I remember asking my mom, "Why do the other kids seem to have it all figured out?" She answered, " They don't. They're just pretending they do." Though that was true, they had a lot more figured out than me. Okay, so I'm getting my second daughter diagnosed and the psychologist asks me, "Is there anyone else in the family who's Autistic?" And I say, like it was no big deal, "Well if it would be anybody... It'd be me." Because of my OCD. Not thinking it would amount to anything. They immediately turned their attention to me. Turns out I've had Asperger's Syndrome or "High Functioning Autism" all my life and didn't know it. Of course, I knew a lot of the symptoms, because I already studied it after my first daughter was diagnosed. But now, I was looking at the list of symptoms differently. Like a mirror. It blew me away. I never even believed in any mental conditions before my diagnosis. I thought they were all BS. You know Bi-Polar, Schizophrenia etc. I thought the people were faking or they could change if they tried hard enough. Not true. Some people are actually born with things that are wrong with their brains that they can't change or fix. Coincidentally at this time, when my daughter was being diagnosed my relationship was severely on the rocks. My meltdowns I was having become so explosive that it was destroying my marriage. When I had finally come to the realization that my anger was caused and fueled by sensory overload... My life became a lot easier. I recognize the triggers now and avoid them as much as possible. When I feel a meltdown coming on my wife gives me a massage, which helps tremendously, or I just understand that there’s nothing actually wrong. That it's just my condition, and before I know it's blown over. Now my marriage is great. Our sex life is better than ever!
And now I am able to understand and help my kids as they navigate through life, and others as well. If you have Autism/Asperger’s or know someone that does please follow me along this journey as I try my best to give insight into the world and the mind of Autism.
