Having my balls cut out and returned during a vasectomy reversal doesn't compare to my recent agony. For the past two weeks I have experienced the worst pain of my life. The intense misery was far worse than all three of my divorces combined. In comparison, my nine trips to solitary confinement now seem like a visit to Disneyland. On a distress scale of one to ten, I was between a "Y" and a "Z."
Instead of growing upward like a standard and orderly tooth, this particular molar decided to grow lying down. I thought the torture was a clever cavity hiding from my toothbrush by nesting under the belly of the lazy tooth. An X-ray proved the cavity theory wrong and solved the mystery.
Another bizarre trait was the lack of roots and the presence of an ass bigger than the body that protruded above the gum line. The purpose of it's big butt was two fold: To quietly imbed and anchor itself deep in my jaw and to kill me by intermittently pressing it's ass against the nerve of my jawbone.
I can prove this wasn't a toothache. Tooth decay doesn't cause a person to run around in tiny circles for thirty minutes while waiting for a bottle of pain pills to kick in. A toothache doesn't cause a person to make shrilling and indescribable noises that still make my neighbors think a serial killer lives next door.
I can also prove the culprit wasn't actually a tooth. It was a seasoned sadist with a sick sense of humor that disguised itself as a molar. To make me believe I didn't need the recommended surgery, the parasite would trick me by relaxing its ass for an undetermined amount of time. Sometimes I would go two or three days without any pain. When Mr. Manson wanted to see me go crazy again, it would re flex its butt muscles causing me to do unbelievable things.
A recent dinner date at a new friend's house is a good example of the sick level of torture it was trained to inflict. On my way from the dinner table to the restroom, Mr. Manson struck by suddenly butt punching my jawbone nerve. The shrieking pain caused me to involuntarily hit the floor. During the seizure I chewed a dinner plate sized hole in my friends living room carpet. So, before paying a strike force team to extract the fiend, I was already out 1500 bucks.
I'm convinced the CIA or ISIS planted my tormenter in retaliation for my activism. If it wasn't one of these two agencies then the rumor is true that one of my ex wives can cast a death spell. The attempted assassination has made me so paranoid that I mistrust my other teeth. I now carry around a pocket mirror and obsessively monitor each tooth for any unusual behavior.
A rare photo of the extracted and dead parasite disguised as a tooth.
My girlfriend is a registered nurse with a doctorate in human behavior. Seeing the urgency of a surgery, she hired a team of experts to do the extraction. They allowed her to film the exorcism if she promised to only show these two short clips. The team insisted they did not want to educate other demons by revealing the techniques used to permanently banish a killer hellion from a person's mouth.
After the two-hour tug of war between the doctors and the devil, I was left with a sore jaw and a hole large enough to store a small stack of dimes. The hole was filled with a bone like material and then closed with five stitches.
Update: In an attempt to recover the lost money, I placed the big-butt bone glob under my pillow. When I awoke this morning, I found the fairy bitch lying unconscience with a broken wing. Apparently the faux tooth was too heavy and caused her to crash into the the wall. I robbed her money stash and fed her to my dog. Save up your Steem Dollars because I will auction the tooth very soon. You may place an early bid in the comment section.
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Photo of carpet credit: rlrose.co.uk
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