SONNY BARGER MOVES BACK TO OAKLAND
Ralph “Sonny” Barger, founder and former president of the Hells Angels Motorcycle Club’s charter in Oakland, has decided to move back to California from his previous residence in Cave Creek AZ. As explained on his personal Facebook page, he did so in order to escape Arizona’s permanent disenfranchisement of convicted felons. Whereas the state of Arizona requires that a felon first receive an executive pardon before voting again, the state of California automatically restores voting rights upon the completion of sentence. Mr. Barger has a series of felony convictions stretching from the 1960s to the 1980s, for crimes ranging from marijuana possession to conspiracy to commit murder.
Barger states that he plans to vote for Donald J. Trump, presidential nominee of the Republican Party, in the 2016 election. On August 20th of 2016, Mr. Trump criticized Virginia governor Terry McAuliffe during a campaign rally, due to McAuliffe signing an executive order restoring voting rights to over 200,000 convicted felons in the state. Trump accused McAuliffe of doing so because they would likely “vote Democrat”.
The Trump campaign has not yet released a statement on whether he will appreciate the votes of convicted felons such as Barger, who do not plan to vote for democratic candidates.
Uncle Buckwheat is of the opinion that Mr. Trump (nor any other politician) gives a rat’s ass about Sonny Barger (nor any other voter).
HARRIS COUNTY JAIL NURSE SENTENCED FOR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH INMATE
Thirty-one year old Bridgett Map, a nurse who worked in the Harris County Jail located in Houston TX, was accused last summer of engaging in a sexual relationship with an inmate. Texas law says an inmate may not consent to a sexual relationship with correctional institution staff, including guards and health care providers.
Map was given a deferred-adjudication sentence involving 2 years of probation, thirty days in county jail, 120 hours of community service, and a $300 fine. Because of the “deferred-adjudication” of her sentence, which will remove the record of conviction after completed, it is unclear whether she will lose her state-issued nursing license.
Uncle Buckwheat is of the opinion that persons, even incarcerated persons, should be allowed to engage in consensual sexual relationships. Uncle Buckwheat is also of the opinion that these thirsty-ass ghetto broads need to quit screwing around with criminals. That look ain’t sexy, dear.
WINTER STORMS KILL MILLIONS OF BUTTERFLIES IN MEXICO
Monarch butterflies, easily one of the most recognizable insect species, typically migrate south into Mexico during March of 2016. Mexico was hit by winter storms that destroyed more than 150 acres of evergreen forests outside Mexico City. That forest land is used as a habitat for the monarch.
It is thought that the unseasonably cold and wet storms claimed the lives of more than 7% of the monarch population due to freezing and habitat destruction.
Uncle Buckwheat is of the opinion that he truly doesn’t give a shit. They’re just butterflies, and the ones that didn’t die will just make more baby butterflies. Or caterpillars. Or whatever the hell it is that they make. The trees will grow back. Get over it.
VIRGINIA MUSLIM SCREAMS “ALLAHU AKBAR” BEFORE ATTACKING COUPLE WITH KNIFE
A 20 year old man named Wasil Farooqui attacked a man and woman as they entered an apartment building on August 20th. It is alleged that Mr. Farooqui screamed, in Arabic, “God is Great”. The statement is commonly said prior to engaging in acts of violence committed by those who profess the Muslim faith. Mr. Farooqui is currently being held without bond on two charges of “Aggravated Malicious Wounding”.
Mr. Farooqui is said to not know, or have any connection, to the couple he attacked and claims to have heard “voices in his head” telling him to commit the assault. He was arrested at a local hospital while seeking treatment for wounds suffered when the man he attacked fought back. The FBI is investigating alongside local police, and have not yet uncovered a motive for the crime.
Uncle Buckwheat is of the opinion that people who are directed to commit acts of violence (or acts of gardening, or anything else for that matter) are fucking nuts, no matter who they think may be speaking to them. If you encounter a person claiming to hear voices in his head, and he has a knife, either kick his ass or try to run away. If you hear a person yelling “Allahu Akbar”, you should probably try to run away.
INDIANA WOMAN’S INFANTICIDE CONVICTION OVERTURNED
In 2013, Purvi Patel was 32 years old when she was arrested after throwing her dead fetus into a trash dumpster. Patel had ordered abortion-inducing drugs online through an overseas pharmacy, and delivered a 1-1/2lb male in her bathroom.
Prosecutors alleged she was beyond the point of “viability” and at least 25 weeks pregnant at the time, as well as alleging that the baby had taken at least one breath outside the womb.
The appeals court ruled that the Indiana law was intended to apply to 3rd Party actors, not women who self-abort, and that Patel should instead be sentenced for a lesser charge. The trial court ruled that she was guilty of both murder and child neglect for causing a premature birth and not immediately seeking medical treatment for the baby. Defense attorneys claim the evidence did not support either charge. The State’s Attorney has stated that they will not appeal the ruling that vacated the conviction.
Patel was returned to prison while awaiting official certification of the court’s ruling, and will be remanded back to the trial court for resentencing. Even if given the maximum sentence for the lesser neglect charge, Patel would be released from prison in late September after time-served and good-behavior credits are factored in.
Uncle Buckwheat is of the opinion that these crazy broads need to learn how to make up their minds, and also to learn what a coat hanger is for.
SAN DIEGO ZOO KILLS ELEPHANT
Zoo officials in San Diego CA have euthanized a 50 year old Asian elephant after it fell ill and did not respond to treatment. At the age of 50, the elephant named Ranchipur had lived eight years longer than the average life expectancy of 42.
Ranchipur was obtained from a private owner at the age of 15, and lived on the zoo’s “Safari Park” before being transferred to a 7.5-acre dedicated elephant habitat also located within the zoo.
Uncle Buckwheat is of the opinion that people need to stop putting wild animals into cages, even if the cage is really fucking large and doesn’t have a roof over it.