"Your page has 40 new views and 1 new preview"
Well, at least they don't have to scroll very far.
-Me, every time I get the notification from Facebook that people are in fact looking at my page… the one that has a single article pinned to it, lonelier than an elderly relative at a Christmas party.
It has been ten months since I posted my first (and last) article, excited by the idea that I was now a proper writer; completely underestimating the fact that the accountability of having a website, Facebook page, Instagram linking to them, and actual followers (be it a handful) wouldn't make me as motivated as I'd let myself believe.
This wasn't an issue of "too much to do", or even "nothing to write about" (as I like to tell myself when I gaze forlorn at several years worth of notes and undeveloped ideas scrawled across scrap pieces of paper and abandoned word documents).
So why haven't I put anything out in so long?
Procrastination is a web spun of multiple different reasons, and we get so caught up struggling against it that it's hard to see where the strings lead.
Habit, is one thing. We're trained by evolution to keep doing what we've been doing so far, not deviating from the routine too much for fear of making a mistake and either starving to death or being eaten by a fucking lion. And yeah, I watch a lot more YouTube and play a lot more video games than I probably should, but not enough to take me away from something that I feel in part to be a kind of life purpose.
No, there's another factor in play.
Fear.
I just like this image.
I'm not scared of writing, just as I'm not scared of going to the gym. But there's a need that we all have as humans that dictates the decisions we make about almost everything we do (or don't do): The need to fit in, to belong, and to integrate well in a social hierarchy.
Back when we were bashing rocks together and drawing crude tits on the walls of our caves, our tribe's opinion of us could mean the difference between having the nicest fur pile and choice of mates to warm it, or being cast out in the wilderness to die alone.
If nobody liked you, you didn't get to pass on your genes.
Fundamentally, we all have the need to be loved and feel important, and all but the most secure and self-assured of us worry sometimes that we may not be enough. By putting ourselves out there, we're exposed to the kind of criticisms and opinions that we're most afraid of hearing.
It's often easier for me to say nothing, that way when I'm not getting any positive feedback it's because "I'm lazy" or "I'm a procrastinator", rather than putting myself out there fully and realising that what I have to say isn't valid, appreciated, or important.
Similarly: If you're badly out of shape, one of the reasons you may avoid doing something about it (besides the addiction that comes with unhealthy diet/over-eating and the tremendous initial difficulty of change) is that it gives you something to hide behind.
If you're lonely, you can say that it's because of your body: people are fickle and vain. But if you do put in the time and effort to look good, and people still aren't attracted to you, it's because of who you are. That's a far deeper, more personal feeling of rejection.
I don't necessarily think this is a conscious decision, in most cases I think it's definitely subconscious, but it's something that we're all guilty of at some point.
So how do we overcome it?
I think that the only way to "overcome" fear is to push through it. The only thing that makes a fear real is your allowance of its power over you.
Now, I realise this is kind of shitty advice because: "Yeah, Ben, that's all well and good n' all, but it's still a really fucking difficult thing to do or else I'd already be bloody doing it, wouldn't I?"
A very fair and well rounded criticism, and one that I can't give you the answer to. Everyone's journey is their own, and I can only offer some of the mindsets and practices that have helped me.
Love yourself.
In a different way from your usual method.
I know this is pretty common and airy-fairy advice that most people would laugh off, but that's the problem.
People dismiss it not because it's obvious or stupid, but because on some level the suggestion that they need to love themselves makes them uncomfortable.
Sit with that for a minute.
If we really, truly had enough love for ourselves, there wouldn't be a damn thing that anyone else could say or think that could take away from that.
This doesn't mean that we should be arrogant, or self-serving, only that we should be self-accepting.
If you can get to the point where you feel love for yourself, no matter the circumstance, you'll be a freer person. You'll feel less stress, less anxiety, and have more acceptance, understanding, and empathy for others.
Those are the kinds of people that others are drawn to the most.
The problem is that we let other people's perceptions of us dominate our own opinion to the point that when looking at ourselves on the deepest level, with all our flaws and imperfections, we can't even feel a basic sense of self-love. We desire instead that other people fill that void with temporary validation.
Take some time to feel love and acceptance for yourself as you are right now.
Stop looking for perfection.
Absolutely nothing in life is "perfect". In fact, most of the best things in life are far from it. Striving for perfection is one of the main things that holds us back from ever finishing something in the first place.
Because "finished" is an arbitrary term. Everything can always be rewritten, remoulded, redefined, and trying to go for perfection with everything is a gigantic waste of time and energy.
Make what you're doing good, make it great, but don't bother trying to make it "perfect", it's already there.
To paraphrase Alan Watts: You don't skip through a piece of music to get to the end as quickly as possible, you listen to the whole song. Life is a journey and we're all too busy trying to get to the end that we don't appreciate the process.
Forgive yourself for past, present, and future mistakes. Realise that nobody is perfect and that perfection as you think of it now doesn't exist. Move forward without trying to get everything "right".
Get control of your inner voice.
These are the aspects of my mindset and my thinking that I've been working on recently. Changing the way that you think and feel about yourself/your place in the world is one of the hardest and most mentally challenging things that we can do with long term impact.
With the help of determination, repetition, and in my case a five minute hypnosis session to hammer things home, I've been doing exactly that.
Which leads me to my final point:
Everyone has a voice in their head, talking to them and repeating mantras and thoughts that aren't always for their benefit.
This voice cares about you, it wants you to stay alive, but it's overprotective and overbearing. It cares too much for the opinions of others.
This is the voice you hear when you have the thought to do something that intimidates you. Could be public speaking, making your opinion heard, or simply approaching someone that you look up to/are attracted to. Usually it involves other people, but not always.
You can gain control of this voice, but it takes practice. Do the things that scare you, and through evidence you'll realise that you're not going to die. Challenge that voice again and again, and change the stories that you tell yourself, before long you'll find that it's a different voice in there telling you very different things.
Maybe then you'll be able to post that article without giving a fuck what anyone thinks about it, because it's your truth that you're sharing.
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