I wrote the following on January 3, 2010 in a facebook post. I'm so grateful to have recorded the thoughts. Because I'm even more grateful to be the person I am today. Thank God I had the courage to be me!!! Because... I've become who I want to be in the place I love to be me. This was the motivation talk I gave myself.
It's a tremendous feeling to look back because at the time I was suffering. Depressed and lacking my normal passion or direction. I relegated myself to effectively being a bum. That went on for years. Thank goodness also that I had a few people around me that understood.
With that said, this is what I wrote:
I am a failure.
Do I hate myself?…Oh hell no! I love myself even more for being able to admit it, it takes courage and it means I’m already half way to something else. But nevertheless I have to deal with being a failure.
I was raised in two systems, among others… the military and construction, both are highly dependent on making progress. It’s really their only purpose. In the military you have the mission. The mission has an objective. To take the objective there is a plan, it includes a time frame, resources available, the enemy situation, etc.. In construction there is also a plan with milestones, schedules and budgets. Needless to say in both when the plans meet reality …it almost never goes as planned. Assumptions have been made… and some of those assumptions were dead ass wrong. So the quickest thing to do is to admit mistakes, reassess with what information is available and determine either to continue, to quit or to seek more help. Needless to say failure is to be expected, dealt with, and overcome.
It’s easy to separate one’s self from failure in these situations… their are plenty of things to blame from people to the weather, malfunctions to misunderstandings, the list goes on forever. In addition their is an objective and time is of the essence! A person just doesn’t have time to lollygag! Others are depending on the decisions to be made and the actions necessary to be taken. But when it comes to life… the decision a person makes are their own and theirs alone… and regardless of who a person blames… the only one they can really point to is themselves. I could fall into the trap of denial…blaming others… or the environment… I see people do it all day. But that is just weakness. I can easily join the crowd… I can easily fall into excess… in food, or drink, pills or smoke…escaping from the reality… but that’s just laziness. I can blame the whole shitty world, religion, politics, corporations and just tell myself… the walls of my cage are just too high! But that is just ignorance. There’s many suggestions of what others have done. Ways to get out of the mess. Hope that maybe someone will have mercy on me. But that’s just a lack of creativity.
Gandhi in his finite wisdom said "Strength is not a measure of physical capacity. It is a measure of the indomitable will." We really do have the ability to accomplish anything we wish. We are only limited by our imagination. However… the old adage… "be careful what you wish for", is true.
I have wished for many things as a child and as a young adult and many of those wishes have come true. I was an exceptional soldier, someone to be proud of, someone to admire. I was able to lead men on adventures and pull the trigger of one of the deadliest machines ever created. “One Shot! One Kill!” I’ve seen many things that the vast majority of people will never see. The most beautiful things and the ugliest. I tasted the mud, the blood and the beer… and relished in it. I have been intimate with the most beautiful women and have loved and felt love as passionately as can be portrayed in any movie. I have stood at the front of academic organizations as one of the brightest. In front of major multinational corporations as the best. I have stood in front of projects that experts had declared impossible… but I, with help and determination… accomplished. I have had the ability to own the things I most wanted… cars, trucks, motorcycles, houses to name a few. Yet… there is always another day… after.
What comes to my mind is that all these wishes were not really my wishes but others… what I was told would make me happy. But that was always someone else’s dream. In achieving these accomplishments I know I have ability, I know I have capability, I know I have an indomitable will. I know I can do anything I want. When I have the passion and I can feel the power I wield (Energy is abundant…every atom contains the power of an atom bomb) any objective is like a target in the reticle of a tank‘s gun site and I‘m at the trigger. It‘s mine!. But what is it that I want? Or is it just more of the same? More things someone else has wished for and I’ve just loaded on my shoulders? And this is my real failure… a failure to accept this system. The religious adoration of money. The endless chase of pleasure and consumption. You can hunt and call yourself the greatest hunter of all time the day you kill the most ferocious beast… but what do you do the day after that? Even Michael Jordan has to wonder… what’s next? Getting your wish or accomplishing your life long dream is sometimes the cruelest joke…
I’m not interested in climbing Mt. Everest because its there anymore… or helping the unfortunate souls of the world just because people say it’s the right thing to do. I have to wonder have I reached the end too soon? Or is there something I’m just too scared to confront? Too blind to see? Too ignorant to acknowledge?
Oscar Wilde said “Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." I’m a failure at being someone else… now the real task begins… who am I and what do I really want? I’m writing the book now… and it’s going to be my story no one else‘s!
PS… In general, I don’t give a F#@K what people think about me, unless they are divinely inspired!
In that case, I’ll reserve the right to listen.
I strive to be a Peacemaker, an Entrepreneur and a Ambassador for Great Ideas (ie a Problem solver). I also wish to be a Poet, a Mentor and an Ethicist one day. At times I struggle to communicate the passions I have but I endeavor to do so meaningfully from my heart to others. All as I enjoy my life as a never-ending vacation in a place I adore. I care about what I do, I care about the people I do it with and I leave the rest to fall into place. ~ MikeonFire