I can't even brainstorm.
That's bad.
I'm not kidding. This week, I think I've finally figured out what's wrong with me. I have NO TIME. No matter, how hard I try, or what I try, I can't seem to "get into" writing. If I do, only crap comes out.
For a couple of different days this last week, I tried brainstorming. Brainstorming is supposed to be easy. You write down whatever thoughts come to you no matter what your opinion is of any of them. You just get them all out.
I can't even do that.
I was up in the night waiting for one of my children's flights to arrive. It didn't come. The plane was delayed until the next day. It wasn't until my child arrived (who is currently sleeping in the other room) that I slept soundly for the next two nights.
On more than one occasion, between waiting for flights, not cleaning the house (just in case the cops or CPS stop by and bully their way into the house) and just trying to rest, I tried to at least brainstorm.
Then I asked myself a question that I thought would not only make me smile but would be easy to answer.
What would be fun to write about, just because?
Holy shit, I didn't have an answer.
I kid you not. I could not answer the question. I still can't answer the question.
Well, there is ONE topic I want to write about, but it surrounds the technology my workplace invented and there are lots of restrictions on how I write about it. I even feel paralyzed on that one topic. I tell myself to leave that one alone, because at work, I'll eventually get time to write about that too -- right?
I already write for them. All day, most days.
So, what would be fun outside of that to write about just because?
I still can't answer the question.
I've never been in a position before where I couldn't even brainstorm. I've never been in a position before in my entire life where I couldn't find something that is just "fun" to write about just because. NEVER.
And that's when it hit me.
It's literally like trying to start a car with a dead battery, busted alternator or a deteriorated starter.
I turn the key and sometimes you can hear it trying turn over for a few seconds and then -- nothing.
Sometimes it's just click, click, click, click. Nothing.
And I know what I need to cure it.
I also know, I'm not going to get it.
I need a sabbatical in my life. I'm in my 40's, haven't had a real vacation in 10+ years and now I can't even brainstorm.
I was able to write something the other day for another platform -- and it felt SOOO GOOD! But that was it.
And it only happened because I had already had two days off of work (preparing the house and waiting for the flight to arrive). It was on the fourth day off, the second night I got some actual sleep (10 hours -- involuntarily), first thing in the morning that the words came.
Four days in to being off the job. Four days.
I use all my "vacation" time to transport and arrange for my children to come visit every summer. Sometimes during the year, I'll use an occasional sick day. Even on 3 day weekends, it's never quite long enough to begin healing.
I need at least four. I need much more than that if I want to let my brain heal from being cramped up by the forced necessity of life in the deep dark cell of 9-5.
Feeling myself be able to write and create well again on a regular basis, to me, is the same as drinking sex with a hot partner after not being able to get laid for years.
And here's the messed up part.
Admitting any of this to my boss or posting it under my real name could have a negative impact on my employer (and then by extension - moi).
Taking an actual sabbatical right now would send the department of child support (I didn't capitalize their name on purpose) into demonized frenzy because I would be paying my monthly support with a credit card on my own instead them forcibly taking it out of a w-2 paycheck.
And I can't take the chance of not having income coming in, especially if another unwarranted legal crisis hits.
I'm not going to get my sabbatical.
While I'm at it....
When I posted that one piece on the other platform, within less than a week of it being up, I got MORE engagement on that one post, than I have on anything I've ever posted here on Steemit/Busy combined.
I didn't have to fight uphill for an audience.
And I certainly, didn't get the whole bandwidth error you get here.
I have no idea where I'm going to go from here.
One child is here. The other arrives shortly and all I want to do is be with them, fully and completely.
I know if I did get my sabbatical, for six months or longer, I wouldn't go back to the regular grind. I know how to be self-employed. At some point during that time off, I would light a fire under my ass to get it done again. I'd have to if I didn't want to be forced to going back to the grind.
I just can't do both right now.
For God's sakes -- I can't even brainstorm. I can't even answer the question of knowing what would be "fun" for me to write about!
And that worries me.