Oh If Only
The Tale of A Missed Opportunity ~
Hullo My Steem-fellows,
You know those moments where you can’t help but beat yourself up for the way a conversation played out and you’re like, "Oh if only I said this, maybe things would have been different" or "Ugh what’s wrong me!"
So an overwhelmingly strange thing happened yesterday. I was asked to assist a customer with a sales purchase from the gift store upstairs.
A guy, just a bit taller than I, with a white shirt and black pants, his arms covered with tattoos on his upper arms and a gelled Mohawk entered my visibility range.
We climbed the stairs and promptly he got two items, immediately knowing his specific purchases. I ensued to write the bill, and he asked for my name. I hesitated momentarily but I told him anyways.
He then proceeded to tell me that he’s not really a full blown Christian or anything (very out of the blue but this could be due to the fact that this was a Christian based gift store), to which I was surprised (granted that I asked him nothing related to his religion), but I felt spurred to question him more.
I asked him,
“How come?”
He seemed a bit caught off guard, but continued saying,
“Because I’m too angry and violent.”
The answer definitely seemed unusual and yet highly truthful. Of course the psychologist in me couldn’t resist asking more questions. Like why in the world would this guy describe himself in such a manner? What reason would cause such an assessment and even more puzzling was why was he being so honest and straightforward with me a complete stranger?
I felt like this.
But hopefully I maintained this composure (fingers crossed).
Who am I kidding, I’m pretty sure my face passed through several expressions as I tried to formulate the right words to respond.
“Violent? What makes you say that?”
“Because I like to fight.”
He then pulled down the neck of his shirt exposing some very deep slashes. The different widths and positions and directions were quite disturbing. Oddly enough I felt no threat, it’s only now that I’m writing this do I actually see the inappropriateness of such behavior – one stranger to another. The moment progressed so quickly it was a bit hard to grasp the immensity of the situation in its entirety.
“Fight? What do you mean?”
“I like fighting. I like fighting with other guys. Helps with stress“
“Those look like knife marks though. Is it like a Fight Club?”
“Yep.”
At this point all I could think of was the movie Fight Club (as you could probably tell :P).
Like I had no idea my country had such things.
(tsk tsk)
Even the sheer intensity of the violence they fostered was quite disturbing. My curiosity peaked even further.
"I get into bar fights as well. Just recently I got into one.”
“So have you ever tried any anger management?”
He responded, “Yep and I resigned from my job about a year ago. It was definitely too stressful.” He continued expounding on the responsibilities and how he had to work long hours every day and that it became too much.
I commended him on knowing himself well enough to step away from the stress. It was definitely a move in the right direction in terms of dealing with his anger.
Somehow however, I was unable to bring the conversation to a resting close and it ended a bit abruptly as we proceeded downstairs to cash. I found myself tripping over the words to end appropriately after such rugged, blatant honesty and exposed glimpses into this guy’s life.
I then used the Linx machine and typed the wrong value being an entire zero off from the purchase! But that is a different story altogether. (Look out for that post!) What was meant to be $140 instead became $1.40 (which I only found out later that evening). Guess I was definitely overwhelmed.
But I think my ending remarks were the most detrimental to my psyche and definitely left a lot to be desired. As he geared up to leave I ended with the worst possible final words ever!
“Take care and don’t die.”
Who says that to someone so clearly involved in death-like situations! If only I said something more encouraging. I absolutely beat myself up for saying those words. Undeniably not a wise move.
Anyhow, after such a revelation, I stood for a few moments trying to fathom the unique interaction and did entirely what we all do and rehashed continually what I should have said instead.
Clearly this guy found himself being open and honest about something so prominent and personal in his life and I treated it as if he was playing cricket or football and just so happened to acquire occasional severe injuries. Like what in the world was I thinking?! I had no reaction of shock or fear whatsoever!
I chastised myself for not being more compassionate. Clearly this was a person with very serious issues and I reacted so utterly nonchalantly! When what he needed was to see someone cared enough for him to actually want to stop hurting himself. Whether it be directly or indirectly, he was bent on allowing his aggression or maybe even using his aggression as a means of feeling alive, or feeling something-anything at all. Maybe he just needed someone to care enough to dissuade him from hurting himself and damaging his body, or possibly from having a death wish fulfilled.
But this is me hypothesizing. If there are any persons versed in psychology and human behavior, please feel free to let me know your thoughts on this entirely unusual scenario.
But more importantly I was very distraught that I didn’t maximize on the opportunity to share Christ, as well as something encouraging with him. To tell him Jesus loves him and he is valued. What he is doing is toying with danger and his life. That there are other ways to cope with stress.
He most certainly left an imprint on my mind for the rest of the day as countless alternate conversation responses crossed my mind. For some reason he chose me to open up to and I certainly felt like I let him down.
But I suppose that is the beauty of speaking to a stranger, no judgements, no backstory. Just someone to listen to a story needed to be told. Just a release of the many tightly bound secrets pouring over the edges of an already overfilled cup, unable to hold anymore.
But Oh If Only….
(Images and Gifs sourced from Google Images)