Wow, it's been a whopping 6+ months since I've last posted.
So much has changed over these last 6 months. The biggest one? Leaving my husband. Remember how I mentioned I was in an open marriage and how tough it was but I was doing what was best for us? Well, I couldn't do it anymore. I was sacrificing a lot to be in an open marriage, considering that it was never something that I wanted to begin with. However, when you keep sacrificing things or values of yourself over a prolonged period of time, you have no idea who you are anymore; no sense of self. I was unhappy. I was depressed. I contemplated suicide thinking the world would be better off without me and I would be better off without the world.
I was wrong.
I met someone through a dating app and realized what type of relationship I deserved. I experienced what it was like to be genuinely happy again. He connected with me on an emotional level, and with his support, I finally felt like I was being understood.
By the time I made the decision to go on dating apps advertising myself in search of a deep human connection, I already had one foot out of the door in my marriage, and I was looking for a reason to let my other foot follow.
While everything seemed to be working in my favor, I failed to realize that I wasn't taking responsibility for my own happiness. I was blaming my husband for my sadness, then I was making my new interest responsible for my happiness. I actually wasn't taking responsibility for myself.
I wasn't taking my wellbeing into my own hands. It seemed like I was when I made the choice to leave my husband, but I was essentially leaving him for another guy who was making me happy. I can tell you now that I am no longer romantically seeing the latter and he has become one of my best and truest friends. However, I've fallen in love with him and loving someone who doesn't want to be with you in the way you want is one of the saddest things.
Nonetheless, I have been taking action to becoming the best version of myself. I am learning to be emotionally independent, and I now take full responsibility for all of my choices.
These past 6 months have been a journey of its own, but it's one I will never forget. The most growth occurs through the most struggle, and I will always be thankful for all the struggles I make it through.
