It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I was miserable at the place where I worked.
It wasn't always like that...
It once was a place I looked forward to go every morning, it made me feel safe and supported, I was constantly reminded of my value and how quickly I took over responsibilities. I was genuinely happy, we all were. Things changed when a new owner took over and the soul of that place died.
Some months ago I found myself crying uncontrollably watching This CGI Short FIlm
I really felt how I ended up giving up on my dreams, maybe even never allowing myself to have a dream because I didn't believe I could do it. I took a generic job... I thought I had set out to travel and learn and grow and years later.... I was hunched over a desk with a horrible boss doing tasks that have absolutely no meaning to me. Other than getting me a check.
My life is right now upside down and at a stand still...
I have been out of town for some weeks now. Taking care of my dad who suffered a stroke. Spending time with my family. Working remotely. Stuck with a broken down car. Man, these all deserve their own post... Anyway, I got a call yesterday from my boss, the company is not doing well and they need to cut down expenses. That meant me, and some others.
And deep down I know this is probably the best way for me to get out of this vicious cycle. I often day dream about not having that job, and pursuing a life as a musician. I never say it because I think people will laugh at me. But is this the time to take risks that might just make me happy?
I've taken so many such risks in my life tho. And I don't regret them, I've had a somewhat unusual life. Moving a lot, taking chances. Sometimes I think moving on is the right decision. Sometimes I think maybe I leave right when things were starting to happen. Is there a formula?
I have so many options right now...
I could move back home, live 3 blocks from the beach, build a small house, maybe take a job I can do remotely and form a band. Be surrounded by music. Boom, I actually have that option, since all the members of my family are musicians. It would be like.... the lost child came back to the tribe. I'd have all the support and encouragement I once was too insecure to seek. The downside: start over. I mean everything, friends, routine, lifestyle. No acro.
I could stay in the town I live in. I love that town. It's full of trees and close to the river where I like to spend most of the summer. It's so small I know most people involved in the activities I do. I can walk pretty much everywhere. My community is full of loving and open minded people who make me feel so free and happy. Friends who have become my family, I could stay for that. Take another job. Do the things I like as a hobby. This is the place where I can be surrounded by acro and yoga. And keep my small apartment. The downside: expensive. same job situation..
I could give up most of my expenses and go live with friends until I figure shit out.....
I could try some kind of amalgam of all my ideas.....
I literally spoke to the universe a couple months ago and I said "I know I'm not meant to be here for this. I am meant to be doing something else, something meaningful".
(Yes, I speak to the universe). I think what is really scary isn't not having a job. But what it represents to me: The chance to make the right decision to steer my life towards something fulfilling. What if I don't make the right choice?
Today was my first day unemployed... And I still don't know if it's the best or the worst in 5 years.
Disclaimer: Earnings on this post will actually buy me food.