Nobody wants a miserable life, we all went through the dark nightmares, the worse experiences that we never want to get back to. But there were times that we need to reminisce our past to inspire others that despite all the harsh experiences we continue to stand up and become strong and we even loved ourselves more.
It is humiliating to admit the fact but who are we to judge others life? We all have flaws, we all commit mistakes. We were the ones who made our life journey and we are all victims for the wrong deeds we committed. What is more important we learned from that mistakes and eager to change for the better.
I grew up in a big poor family. I have seven siblings. I went to school everyday wearing only my overly used faded slipper. After school instead of resting I have to be next to my icebox full of icecandy then stayed in the tricycle's terminal wherein I worked as a barker as well, if not, I sell bananacue everywhere. That was my day-to-day activity when I was a kid; school, terminal, and bananacue and if weekends if there were harvest of my grand father's garden I also sell vegetable crops in the neighborhood. My partner in all that experiences is my brother who is next to me. We also experienced selling dried fish and smuggled detergent soaps like Aktif. I can say that our life was not that easy, we have to work at an early age because our father told us so. We did not enjoy our childhood. There were times that we fled from home to free ourselves from work. As a kid I longed to play or even watch TV because we never have TV since we're kids. We only watched tv in our neighbor's house I just sat down in their doorsteps. Then one time I could almost eat the dust because the owner of the house swept the floor in a bad manner. There were times also that we cling in their window then they slightly closed it.
(I am the youngest here the three siblings were not yet born)
How many times I was beaten by bamboo stick because I went out playing and not doing our duties. It seemed like we have no right to live our life as kids. We live to earn and help support the needs of our family. So everytime we play we were subject to bullying. They scared us that we should hurry run because our mother is behind us carrying a big bamboo stick again. We were became their laughing stuffs. It was so embarrassing for us so I stopped going out. I focused my whole time helping the needs of our family even if it breaks my heart if I saw other kids enjoying their playtime. My life revolved in just four corners of our house. I felt like a prisoner, doing all the household chores, I even learned to cook alone.
When I was in highschool everything for me is new, I am very ignorant in almost everything. I live in the City yet I am more likely living in the mountain because I was lacked of everything. I even afraid to ride in a jeepney alone. My parents took away my self-confidence. Everyday we live in fear and forced to do our responsibility, we don't even have time to study because we were already exhausted due to responsibilities that we shoulder everyday. They never taught us how to enjoy and live a normal life as kids. We didn't experience going out together even once like eating in the fancy restaurants or even just fast food chain. I can't even remember my mom brought me into the mall to buy me a dress. The only thing I remembered was the doll that she bought in the market that gave sounds when you pressed its tummy. Then we had a new neighbor that was my first time seeing all kinds of Barbie dolls, barbie doll's house, and other different kinds of toys and board games. I felt so jealous and began to think that life is unfair. I compared their life as heaven and ours was in hell.
I am so vulnerable that time but still I'm glad despite all my discomfort I was able to finished my High school.
I stopped studying after graduation, still I went back as prisoner in our house, then one day my elder sister told me she's the one to shoulder our studies me and my brother who's next to me but it was not for long because she will get married soon. So my father compelled to support us. He told my mother to ask our neighbor who's the secretary of the president in the institution where we about to enroll that she will help upon our school admission. So all our school transactions will go through her. All the exam permits will come from her. Then on the final exam our professor told us that we should show him our examination permit so we could take the exam. I looked for the president's secretary in her office to get our permit but she wasn't there. So I went to the cashier and asked for duplicate of our payments but she told me that she cannot find our names because we were not in the records. She told me to look our names in the treasurer's office but still they didn't have our names even in the registrar. I was thinking we were deceived by the secretary. I went back to our room and begged our professor to give us chance to take the final exam then he agreed.
But on the next day the secretary of the president summoned me to come to her office then she was very upset. She asked me why I approached the cashier and the treasurer without her permission. She uttered me these words Don't you know that your parents have no money?! You enrolled and study here because of me!. She insulted me and my family's status because I went to the cashier and found out that we have no records. After that I dropped from school.
Before that incident I was an ROTC sponsor, I escorted the army who became my boyfriend. He is six years older than me.
He courted me in our house, everytime he visits me he never forgot to bring presents for me and for my family. My father likes him so much. We never go out on a date only our house was our dating place because I'm afraid of the possibility that we two might lose because he was so sweet yet aggressive. It was my first time I felt electrified by his gentle touched more so when he embraced me tightly and kissed me so dearly it seemed like our body burns on fire. 😝🤣 He was my first kiss. Then one day I was worried because it's been awhile since he never had contact with me. He never visit our house for almost two weeks unlikely to what he usually did. I made him a phone call but he never answered. I called his office at the barracks but his co-worker was the one who got my phone call and told me that he is on sick leave. I asked all the details of the hospital and hurriedly went there but I found out that he's with someone. I can see that he was so shocked upon seeing me there. I saw the girl beside him caressing him which enough for me to realized that there were something going on between them. I almost lose my balance I just don't know what to do and how to face the situation. It was like I was the one who felt guilty I can't stand it anymore, so, I walked away. I was so damn hurt! I wanted to cry but I can't. I felt like I was stabbed right there in my heart that caused me hard to breathe.
He was not my first boyfriend I had my first when I was 16 years old. He's my neighbor, my elder brother's friend. He courted me for months through love letters. When my parents had to go to Manila that was the time he got a chance to visit me at home, of course with the helped of my brother. He visited me fourth times and on the fifth he got my big yes. We also had lots of kilig moments but our relationship was just a secret because I don't think my parents will allow me because it was not yet the right time for me to have boyfriend and knowing that they are very strict. Since my parents went back home we rarely see each other we just talked through love letters again with the helped of my brother as well. But one day I heard from a friend which also our neighbor that he will become a father soon. He was seduced by our friend's cousin that is badly in love with him.
I wasn't that hurt unlike what I felt from my army boyfriend.
Days past our eldest brother who is based in Pandacan, Manila worked in Malacañang as PSG (Presidential Security Group) in Ramos time decided that I will stay with him to look for his kids. So, I go to him because I wanted to change my environment and somehow it's one way to heal my brokenheart. I stayed there for quite sometime but I started to think independently, I want to be productive. So, from Pandacan Manila I went over to my sister's house in Carmona, Cavite. I started to gain my self-confidence and become independent and slowly learned how to stand my own two feet. I took all the papers that needs for me to applied work. I went to NSO and NBI Manila alone with much determination.
I fell in love again, he's different. Very manly I almost gave-in but I refrained myself because I stand firmly that I am pure. I made vow to myself that I will just surrender my whole being after I get married. I want my first night to be the first literally. I want it romantic, I want it special.
I got work in Laguna Technopark, I worked as a production operator, at first I really don't know why my line leader always gets upset with me even if I didn't do wrong. He always gives me fault. All does he sees is me. Then one time he was riding on our bus which is not his route. He sat right there beside me, I can sense he's uneasy of course I am too. Out of the blue he said sorry. He began explaining things but it seems I heard nothing I only thought about how rude he is to me. He pressures me and gave me hard time during my work then there he is saying sorry!? What kind of fool he is!? Does he thinks that was so easy for me to forgive him? After that I filed a resignation letter. In my remaining 15 days of work he became so gentle. He wanted to make up all the things he did to me. Yes, he was forgiven but I still resigned because I don't think he's truly a good man to be around. Then I just heard that he's obsessed with me because there were many times that my co-worker caught him staring at me. But that's out of my concern anymore.
It was in the midst of my father's retirement as a PNP. When he found out that I resigned from work he said I go back to Davao because I will continue my study and because I really wanted to pursue my studies I went back to Davao. I told my boyfriend that we still communicate each other either way we can. He also said that he will wait for me to come back.
But it turned out that none of us had this urged to communicate each other. Slowly I forgot about him.
It was so sad, my father's planned to support my studies didn't happen. My three brothers end up being a security guard. No one of us finished our study unlike other policemen who devote all their lives to give their children a better future. My father is opposite to them very opposite.
It came that my parents always had a fight. My mother had to enroll in tailoring. Thanks God she passed and she started to have her own ways of livelihood until this days.
I have to find myself worth I applied different kinds of works in Davao. And I had my two relationships but nothing so special, nothing so serious. My father gets worse so I had to run away from home. I went outside Davao City, that was in Tagum. I worked there as aschool supply wrapper. But seemed like working there didn't satisfies me. I have a very arrogant cashier who acted like a boss. I don't know what I did to her why she's so mean to me. I don't know why it so hard for me to have girl friends. How many times I'd been rejected it seems like they don't like my friendship. Yes, I experienced lots of girls hate me. Is it because I'm to ladylike? Or I'm just too modest for them.LOL! That's how I feel.
I really don't know why it's hard for me to have friends. What is wrong with me? Why it seemed people hate me? I didn't do anything to harm them. Yes, I'm a loner but I'm not a snob type of person that is why I felt a bit upset when I feel somebody ignored me especially if I was trying to reach out and get their attention. But it's okay God is my witness and that is more important to me. God only knows what kind of person I am.
Because I have no friends there, I swallowed my pride and went back home to Davao.
It was this time that my sister-in-law recruited me as one of the talents in Japan. At first I was hesitant because I know the kind of work their it is opposed of who I truly am.
When my father knows about it, he said; why not going to Japan and work there? Earning money is so easy there. All you have to do is to show your #?@?#@! Then in just one blink you get money!. When I heard it I felt my blood goes up in my head.I felt like I was losing myself. I lost control. I wanted to punch his face! Of all people your own father were the one who had the guts to say that right through your face!
It is so painful knowing that the first man who defend on your behalf was the first one to push your life in doomed.
I felt so helpless, I felt so weak. I was thinking nobody loves me, my life turned out in great despair.
I became rebellious, I took the opportunity for me to work in Japan without thinking my own self. I was more focused of the money I could give to my father if that's make him happy then be it! If he don't care about his daughter me I was willing to surrender my life to devil for them to have a better life.
As I have expected my life there was hell. How many times I'd been harrased with my customers but I have no right to protest. I been poked many times because I didn't understand what they said to me. What I always did is saying hai which mean yes. Yes! Yes! Yes! is my only dialect there.
How many times I cried in the rest room because I wanted to quit. But I won't go back empty handed because my family already expect so much from me, all I did was tried to be strong.
Alex is a Romanian, she became my best friend she patiently taught me how to speak nihongo. She's very diligent with me, she became my comforter. She's the one who defend me when somethings go wrong with me and my customers.
It was my third month in Japan.
Then one day this japanese guy came to the club and became my knight in shining armor. He rescued me to all those pervert customers. I thought it was my happy days.
We dated almost every day. Go out and eat outside. He bought me jewelries and everything he pleased to give me. He's so generous. But I really don't know what kind of relationship we have because he never courted me. At first he's more like a father to me. Until the first time he kissed me happened when he dropped me to our mamasan's house I felt like I'm in cloud 9. I am in love again to the man who is my hero, my friend, my father. I feel so lucky and blessed that time. He took away my sadness, all my fears in my work had vanished because of him. Because of him I gain respect and got closed with my co-workers.
He is a widower he has two kids his mom doesn't like Filipina because of what had happened to his cousin. His cousin married a Filipina but this filipina abandoned his cousin after she gets all his money and run away with another guy.
I can't blame her mom if that's her impression to me. But still Hiroshi always on guard with me at the club. The first night we met he asked me everything about my work and how do I coped with it. Of course without any hesitations I told him it was stressful. I really wanted to give up the job because it's so hard to handle those pervert customers. They never respect me as a woman. They touch my private part if they want to. I can't help my eyes filled with tears fallen down my cheeks and he lend me his hanky while I'm telling him my situation my heart beats fast my hands were shaken my lips trembled it was like there was somebody wants to kill me.
The night after that he was the first one arrived in the club. He payed the club for me to be requested to sit with him the whole working hours. I can feel his good intentions with me he wanted my work to be worry free because he's there. Same scenario every night. Then one time his mom called in the club looking for Hiroshi. His mom wants him to go home and told our mamasan (club owner) that she will not welcome Hiroshi to come to the club anymore because he abandoned his work in their hotel. Hiroshi is an engineer but he stopped from his work so he's the one who managed their business hotel. Everytime that he is with me nobody was in-charge in the desk counter of their hotel.
But Hiroshi was so stubborn he still went to our club despite he's banned from coming over. Until one day my mamasan decided to transfer me in Tokyo to avoid chaos. I spent my 3 remaining weeks in Tokyo but nothings gonna stop Hiroshi from visiting me there. He drive more than two hours just to visit me there.
Until I reached my six months there. I have to say goodbye to my hero. We spent our night together. He promised me that he will go to the Philippines soon. He forbid me not to go back in Japan because he will help me. He will provide me everything I need even my plans that I will support my siblings in their studies.
Because of that I break my vow. I knew it was not the right time but Hiroshi wants it. So I gave in. I gave in because I truly love him and I know he loves me too. I loved him so much and I am also grateful in all the things he had done to me and I want to pay him back by giving myself no matter what the consequences may take. What is more important for me that time is to proved to him that I also love him and I am willing to give up the most precious thing that woman could give to the man she loves.
I went back to Philippines, a month ago he came. My family loves him so much. Hiroshi gave me money to start my Sari-sari store business and my three siblings studies. He stayed here for 2weeks. and fulfill what he had promised. It was May his first visit. I did not go back to Japan anymore. Hiroshi wired me money twice a month. Then it came out that my parents abuses the blessings that I have. They always asked me money. I have no right to say no to them. Then it was December Hiroshi had finally decided to live in the Philippines for good. He left his family for me, he wanted to marry me that time. But I don't know how to decide my own because I was thinking if we get married my family and relatives expect a grand wedding. He gave me all his money we assumed my eldest brother's house then renovates it and bought a second hand van for public vehicle as our business. Then accident happened but we're still lucky we were all safe.
Days past and we're run out of money. So it's possible for us to get marry because I have three siblings who are still studying. We always spend money but we have no earnings. So he had to go back in Japan to collect his money borrowed by his bestfriend. He cannot go back to their hotel because he already abandoned them and chose me because his mom doesn't like me he had to chose between me and his family.
After he collected the money from his friend he returned to Davao again.
When he came back he brought all kinds of dildo. He wants me to play all of those dildo to #@?%@#¢ his @#%€!!! Stupid!!! I was sexually abused. No one knows it because I don't want to disappoint them. It took months I became his sex slaved. Everything was changed the hero I've known was just a devil in disguised.
How many times I wanted to commit suicide.
No one knows how I feel. My love for him faded away so fast.
We are out of money, we almost have nothing to eat so he said he have to work to Japan as bodyguard of his uncle eho is Yakuza and he will come home every after 6 months. (Para akong nabunutan ng tinik. Kahit papano makakawala din ako sa gabi-gabing kademonyohan!) At last I can get rid of him and escape the nightmare.
He went back to Japan but after a month we have no contact. It was okay for me at least I'm free already. My worry is that my siblings they can't continue their studies. But life has to be that way. I need to be happy! I realized I've done so much, I sacrificed a lot but seems like they never contented about all my effort. All the things I've done to them has no value. They didn't even asked if I am okay. What is more important for them is the things they can get from me. They love money more than their daughter.
I was thinking I still have my aces I still have my jewelries enough to support my brother's Criminology course.. He only have two months before his graduation so I pawned all my jewelries so that my brother could finish his course.
It was months that I didn't have contact with Hiroshi. It was my sister-in-law who made steps to get in touch with Hiroshi again. But his mother got his phone call and said Hiroshi is in prison because there was drug seen in his pocket.
I felt sad no wonder why he did those horrible things to me. God is still good to me.
Days passed by I met the love of my life, he accepted me with all his heart. He doesn't care about my past. And I can say that he completes me and made my life anew.
Through him I learned to smile and forgive.
What value life if we don't know how to forgive. If God forgave all our trespasses in life why can't we?
What is more valuable is that we never dwell on the past instead let go all the heartaches and bitterness in life. Let us learn how to compensate all our mistakes and fight for what is right.
Remember no one gets succeeded in an earthly and selfish living.
Respect begets respect
@tpkidkai Thank you!
