Paris is the most beautiful city in the world.
''See Paris and die!''
After visiting Paris, you are free to depart this world because you would have died a fulfilled individual.
I was once a Parisian. I used to live in Paris before my village people caught up with me and sent me back to Africa.
The French Ambassador was visiting Calabar in December 2012 and I was privileged to attend a banquet held in his honour.
“Take me with you to Paris! Adopt me as your son! I love France” I had shouted and raised my banner at Monsieur Andre as he was walking out of the hall.
He stopped and looked around.
“Who is the fellow that wants to go to Paris?”
“I am the one sir!”
“What is your name?”
“Monsiuer Leroi”
“Oh, you have a French name already?”
“Oui, Monsieur. I am a French soul trapped in a Nigerian body. Please epp me. Take me to where I am supposed to be. Take me to Paris the city of lights”
So I was taken to France. I was so happy that I have finally left Nigeria for good. I stared at the sights and sounds of Paris with glee. I enjoyed a boat ride on River Seine. I visited the magnificent and awe inspiring Eiffel tower. I visited the Notre dame cathedral. The Louvre museum left me breathless. The beauty of chateau de Versaille was charming. I didn’t want to depart from Arc de Triomphe.
I ate petit déjeuner at Le Grand Véfour restaurant. I gorged myself with exotic cuisines and drinks in the gardens of Champs-Élysées and on Tour d'Argent on the Quai de la Tournelle. I attended the Paris fashion week and was taken to the fashion houses of Dior and Chanel to make my pick of clothes, bags and shoes.
While checking out the clothes on display, I saw a sight that made my heart stop beating.
The most beautiful girl in the world was shopping at that moment. She looked so exquisite and charming!
I ran up to her.
“Bonne après-midi mademoiselle”
“Bonne journée” she replied.
I was tongue tied. I had forgotten that my vocabulary of French words was very limited.
“I like you. I want us to be friends. In-fact, i want you to be mine”
“Je ne parle pas l'anglais” I heard her say, shaking her head.
“What does that mean? Does it mean she likes me too?”
I reached out and took her arm while saying all the French words I could recall.
“Bonjour, comment ca va, ca va bien merci et vous, tre bien, j’mappele monsieur leroi, je suis Nigeriana, L’ habite Uyo, comment tu tapelle, mon cheri, ce’st ce se?’
The French girl flung my arms away and backed away slowly.
“Oh, she is falling under my spell…”
The next thing I heard was the shrill sound of a whistle. Policemen ran into the room and hijacked me like a bag of cement. I was dumped into a van and driven to the airport.
“Leave me alone!”
“Tais-toi! Why did you harass the beautiful lady Nicole? Don’t you know she is the great great grand daughter of Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte?”
I was flown away to Nigeria and landed in Uyo by means of a parachute.
I have been here since then. The French authorities do not want me back in their country.
Please help me beg President François Hollande.
I want to go back to Paris.
I am tired of Nigeria.
I am tired of kwaraption. I have not had light for two months now and my precious Gala is now N70.
Plis tell the French govt to epp my situation!