quote>quoteI met him towards the end of 2015. He was good looking, tall and spoke impeccable English too. I could tell he was intelligent. As we sat in the bus, we struck up a conversation, and before I alighted that day, we had exchanged phone numbers. He called me later that day to invite me to his family house; that he wanted me to meet his family. At first, I resisted but later capitulated, as it was just nearby. The next day, I went to meet with him. I was well received and I made to feel very much at home. It turned >quote
* itemout, oga was on a trip to Lagos and was putting up with this family that had been friends with his own family, almost his entire life.
It was the beginning of what I thought was my "love story". He was caring, open, attentive, and God-fearing (or so, I thought). He told me he was a servant of God. He had come to Lagos to make arrangements concerning his admission into Bible school, as he couldn't be ordained in the Anglican Church as a Reverend, without going through a Bible school. By the way, he told me he was a graduate of Computer Science. He came clean with me concerning his financial state. I didn't mind. I have always believed that money is a visitor that can visit anyone, anytime. Besides, it's human beings that make money. Money doesn't make people. So, we continued. He travelled after that first visit, back to his base and was away for about a month. We spoke daily, regardless. When he returned, he came visiting. Not long afterwards, my guy proposed (without a ring) and I accepted.
A few months later, I visited his village to meet his family. They all welcomed me. I felt loved. I spent about a week with his aunt. He also took me to most of his relatives, to introduce as his wife -to- be. It was a glorious time. All was going smoothly. Another thing was that he had opened up to several men of God concerning our intentions and they all prayed and gave their go ahead for us to go and get married. Prior to that, I had also done my own prayers and felt I also got a go-ahead in the spirit. There was one thing that struck me initially and that was his tendency to get angry easily and start raising his voice, whenever we would have a difference of opinion. He would always say i'm too opinionated and argumentative anytime, I had a contrary opinion. From there, it degenerated to verbal and emotional abuse. I had told him everything about my past, after he proposed to me. My reason? So he'd know the woman he wanted to marry and decide if he still wanted to marry me. It turned out that all the things I told him became weapons with which he struck me every time there was a quarrel; which was often. With the benefit of hindsight, I now regret being so open with him. I told him about my past relationships, names, all concerning my family (I come from a broken home). Hmmm...it was a cycle of quarrels and make ups. I also found out that he was a nag. He would keep sending me hurtful messages from morning till night to blast me if I wasn't picking his calls after a quarrel. Sometimes, it would get so frustrating, that I would just give in and say sorry. Immediately, he would stop and all would go back to normal.
This guy doesn't give me money or anything. I never bothered, since I had a job and could take care of myself. I just wanted to make the relationship work. I met him at 35 and I so wanted to be married and have my own kids ( I'm crazy about kids and can't bear the thought of never having my own). My guy is so manipulative. He would do or say anything to score a point; including being abusive and cruel with words and all. I still stayed. With time, we started making plans for our marriage. So, introductions were done early this year. As is customary, he was given a marriage list of things to provide for the marriage. Actually, I come from an averagely Well-off family and we usually do not compel our inlaws to provide everything in the list. This was made known to him by my elder brother. In fact, he still reiterated it, so the young man would understand and not get scared since he didn't have money. My family actually loved and welcomed him.
After the introduction, oga started harassing me, that I must come to Anambra to see his aunt concerning the list and state how much I would contribute. I told him that it wasn't in my place to alter the list as he was demanding I do by going to speak to my village elders. Also, that I had to work, so there was no way I could travel down to Anambra from Lagos. That was a major wahala. He flipped out! Started with his verbal/mental and emotional cruelty again. Eventually, it got so bad that I told him he needed to go for psychiatric evaluation and he retorted by telling me to go to hell. That the marriage was off. I said fine. The next day, his dad called and invited me. I honoured his invitation and it was there that peace was brokered, yet again. There was no kind of insult, bobo didn't hurl at me even before his parents and siblings. No wahala shaa...we still made up before I went back that day. Within two days of my return, he was asking me to come back to Anambra from Aba (I had travelled home for xmas then) and there was no way I was going to be endangering my life in that manner. I told him that Anambra wasn't my back yard naa. Moreover, my family wouldn't hear of it. The guy started raking again but I maintained my stance but promised that I would find a way to visit Anambra from Lagos later in the year.
Since then, everyday he would ask when I would come to see his aunt concerning the list. That his aunt would be in charge of the marriage proceedings. Even before coming for introduction, oga was quarreling with me that he would not give my people the "hot drink" that's mandatory for such occasions. Because I didn't want trouble, I offered to buy the drinks he would present that day and he agreed. Problem solved!
In March, he came to Lagos and said we needed to go to one church for deliverance and I said no. My reason was that I didn't fancy the idea of going from church to church for deliverance as he was trying to make me do. (meanwhile, I had undergone three deliverance sessions at his command prior to this time o)He said I was possessed by marine spirit, that I had foundational problem and that I had spirit husband. Only me! Haa! This was always the cause of many a quarrel. He started asking me to be paying my tithe to him. I even stupidly complied for about 4 months before my senses returned. Every month end, he would call to find out if I have been paid salary.
Back to the church matter: Oga insisted we go to that church for deliverance and when I said no, he started telling me that so so and so person that wasted my youth and dumped me after they had used me for years nko? That, where was this my wisdom when I was with him. All the men that wasted my life, where are they? Kaii! I saw red and blasted him back that 50 of him cannot measure up to that guy he was referring to. That was how oga got up from the bed and started beating me in his friend's house, where he was putting up, during that trip to Lagos.
He was like a mad man. Raging with fury!
I wanted to call it quit that day but he begged and begged and sent people to beg too and I later capitulated, again, but with a condition that I was putting him on probation and that if I didn't see changes that I would move on. He agreed and promised to be a better man.
At the time of this quarrel, my bank account had been blocked due to use of non-regulatory ID. Oga knew, yet he didn't help out. I found a way around my problem myself, as I didn't have any valid regulatory ID at the time and had no access to my money for up to a month. I had to go borrowing from friends to survive. Eventually, when I cleared the bank issue, he called me one morning to ask if I had sorted it out, I said "yes". Oga started giving me story of how one babe he dated before would kneel down to serve him food and afterwards she stopped...I cut him off, asking what he was driving at, 'cause I was getting ready for work. He then said : "whatever you can't finish, don't start. Have you been paid?" I said yes. He started accusing me of not sending his tithe for many months. I immediately told him that my tithe belonged to God and I had decided to be paying it in church forthwith. Oga spark! Begin curse me. That I was possessed..yada yada yada! Started with his nagging texts and I just told him it was over! That was it.
2nd of May. I made up my mind that I'd had it with him. It has been able very toxic relationship. This guy talks down at me. He trivializes my little accomplishments, ridicules my job as and tells me when we marry, that I will stop working ( on top money Wey e no get o). He doesn't even have a house! Yet I stayed. I just paid rent and I didn't mind starting life with him in my own house. I didn't mind that he had no money. I just wanted a good man. That's all. A good man may not have today but would still know his responsibilities and whenever he finds his feet, would compensate his wife. I didn't care. Even the marriage list sef, I wanted to contribute to it but his forceful attitude put me off. He so just wanted to control the entirety of my life. He said I must not wear trousers again. No more make up ( even though I never wear heavy make up), no jewellery, no nothing anymore! He told me that I was proud and that he would clip my wings. Even he said God was going to empower me financially, so as to run the home; while he gets dragged off into full time ministry! Chaii! Oga was planning to dump his manly duties and all on my head after marriage. He wanted all the benefits of patriarchy without it's attendant responsibilities. He told me I should get off my high horse. That he was God sent and was saving me from menopause by marrying me. He was doing me a favour! The highest thing a man could ever do for a woman was marry her, he said.
After I told him to move on, he's been harassing me, that i'm already his wife because of wrapper he gave my mum during introduction. That the 1k he gave my dad with the drink for introduction makes him my husband. That he won't let me go. All sorts. He calls me up to 80 times a day. I had to block him. He sends hurtful messages. Then ,sometimes, he switches to begging mode. It is so draining. I'm convinced he is mentally unstable . He just says anything. He won't let me be. I have begged him to just move on. He won't. He's still begging me through emissaries even now. I just want this to be over. I just want to forget and move on with my life without all this drama. His family members are also begging on his behalf, that they don't want to lose me. I'm just tired. Sometimes, I remember the good times we had and I wish all this wasn't happening.
Now, he's going around, telling my family that he has slept with me many times. That he has had unprotected sex with me and all. He's just doing his damndest to smear my name, as long as it means getting what he desires. Even now, he's still calling my phone... what do I do?
Now, he's asking me to return ordinary 3k wrapper he gave my mum and the wrapper and perfume his uncle gave me when he took me there.
In fact, my guy says i'm 42 years old, that am older than him. That I lied about my age. That at my age, his mum don born finish.
He is now accusing me of dating someone else who has money. He says that is why I'm leaving him. Meaning he doesn't even believe he's done anything to me whatsoever to make me feel bad. No empathy, remorse or respect for me at all . All he's after is to control my whole life. He usually tells me "just follow me sheepishly"
He says I must carry myself as his wife by "conforming".everything about my life with him was force. Even his incessant calls was a way to keep tabs on me. I would never complain about anything and he would listen and respect my feelings or wishes.
The essence of this post is not to ask for advice, as I've already moved on but to let women know that there are all kinds of monsters out there walking about as men. So many with mental issues on the prowl looking for women to destroy. Please sisters, let's all be at alert for those danger signs in relationships because there are always signs.
Story by Floxy from FINN