Characters
(All are British)
NIGEL, male; homeless; Cockney accent.
ELIZA, female; homeless; Cockney accent.
UPSCALE WOMAN, female.
(At rise, NIGEL sits with a change cup and a cardboard sign that reads "Will Fix Teeth for Food." Theme song plays.)
Theme song
(Sung to "On the Street Where You Live")
He lives on the street
He likes to fix teeth
And to pay for booze he'll even swallow yards of meat
He is Nigel, He is Nigel
Nigel, the homeless British dentist!
NIGEL
(shaking his cup) A little change, please! A little change!
(UPSCALE WOMAN enters and steps over NIGEL.)
NIGEL (cont'd)
Now that wasn't very nice: stepping over me like I was some piece of garbage.
UPSCALE WOMAN
Shut it, you homeless bastard! Why don't you get a job?
NIGEL
I had me a job--a business really--but it went under.
UPSCALE WOMAN
You had a business? I don't believe it.
NIGEL
I did so have a business. (To audience) I had a business fixing teeth in downtown London. I saw a need, and where there's a need I reckoned there was also opportunity for an enterprising young gentleman like me-self. But then it all went wrong; terribly wrong. I discovered, quite reluctantly, that the English...just don't care about their teeth.
UPSCALE WOMAN
Oh rubbish! You're a madman, that's what you are.
NIGEL
Am I, Miss? Am I really?
UPSCALE WOMAN
Yes. I'm English and I care about my teeth.
NIGEL
Well open up and let's see them pearly whites.
(UPSCALE WOMAN opens her mouth.)
NIGEL (cont'd)
Bullocks! I should've said "pearly champagnes". And they're all over the place. I pity the poor bloke that has you tokin' on the old chap.
UPSCALE WOMAN
How dare you!
NIGEL
What I mean is, it looks like you tried to chew through a chain link fence...but in a good way.
UPSCALE WOMAN
You horrible, horrible man!
NIGEL
I may be horrible, but I've seen teeth all over the world, and all I have to say is...
(Sung to "Why Can't the English?")
It's tough when you're in England and meet a girl who's great
You have a pint and have a smoke and take her on a date
You take her home, you're all alone, and feel the passion flaming
Sit on the couch, look at her mouth, and are reminded of Lon Chaney
The Phantom of the Opera, you know...but without the feminine charm.
Why don't the English care a bit about their teeth?
Norwegians flash their perfect smiles, as do all the Greeks.
Indians eat their curried meat with teeth so white and sparkly.
The Arabs too, and all the Jews, and the multitude of darkies.
I should've known that dentistry would be a well-failed venture.
Every goddamn tooth is crooked here, even the ones in dentures!
(UPSCALE WOMAN throws change in NIGEL'S cup.)
UPSCALE WOMAN
Here you are. Just please stop singing.
(UPSCALE WOMAN exits.)
NIGEL
Much obliged, Miss, much obliged. Are you sure you don't want a root canal or enamel bonding for your trouble? Here, I'll clean you off a spot of sidewalk.
(NIGEL sprays Windex on the floor and rubs it with his sleeve. Then he takes the spray-top off and chugs it.)
(ELIZA enters with a basket of flowers.)
NIGEL
Hello there, Love. New to this sidewalk vent?
ELIZA
Yes. Me name's Eliza.
NIGEL
Nice to meet you, Eliza. I'm Nigel. Are you a flower girl?
ELIZA
No--an orthodontist.
NIGEL
Orthodontist? You poor, poor dear.
ELIZA
Tell me about it. I figured I'd either clean house or go broke here in London. Turned out I went broke.
NIGEL
I'm a dentist me-self. It's tough around here for those of us in the business.
ELIZA
I know. I came here to straighten teeth, but now I'm only left with me dreams.
NIGEL
And what dreams might they be?
ELIZA
(Sung to "Wouldn't It be Loverly".)
All I want is a room somewhere
To tighten up teeth tighter than a snare
For girls who look like mares
Oh wouldn't it be loverly?
Big tanks of nitrous all mixed with air
Huffing all day long without a care
Till it straightens my pubic hair
Oh wouldn't it be loverly?
(NIGEL and ELIZA together.)
Loverly? Loverly. Loverly? Loverly.
NIGEL
I must say, Eliza, you have quite a loverly smile.
ELIZA
So do you, Nigel. It's so...un-British.
NIGEL
You know, there's a nice park bench built just for two right around the corner.
ELIZA
You don't say? I think I might like that.
NIGEL
Really? With me?
ELIZA
Yes. Let's go straight away.
NIGEL
Well...I am supposed to blow a member of Parliament for a pint of Guinness in a half hour.
ELIZA
Forget about him. Let's you and me go play dentist. Can Mister Thirsty come out and play?
NIGEL
On second thought, the good book says it is better to give than to receive.
ELIZA
If you don't mind, I'd like to skip the spit and rinse part on account of I'm rather starving to death.
NIGEL
That would be champion!
NIGEL AND ELIZA
(singing) Oh wouldn't it be loverly?
(Blackout)
END OF PLAY
I nominate @kat1977 and @tenhanger