As I've started to get a little older my metabolism has started to slow a little bit.
A younger me would be able to get up from the sofa, go grab a beer from the fridge and and be back in my comfy seat before the commercial break was over. These days not so much.
I arrive at the fridge door a little bit winded, and while I hunt for a tasty treat to devour alongside my 6 pack of bud, my mind drifts off and starts to wonder if I would be better served working towards displaying a 6 pack rather than consuming one daily.
I think about heading to my local muscle factory and signing up for a year membership that I will likely never use, perhaps purchase some oily fish supplements and Vitamin A-Z which will apparently help me spell better. I see myself walk through the door where I am greeted by a part time 'teenie bopper' who grins from ear to ear.
"Boy, would she get it," I think to myself as I try to tuck in my gut. She asks me when the last time worked out was and I tell her me and the Mrs. had a 90 second session a few weeks ago. As she tries to hold back her gag reflex, I blush and tell her, "It's been a few years."
She offers to take me on a tour of the gym and I oblige.
First we stop by the cardio section where they have your basic treadmill, stationery bikes and elliptical machines. I must admit, it has been a while since my last gym session, but I had no idea elliptical dancing had become a thing. I do a double take to make sure my mind is not deceiving me, nope, there is a dude releasing his inner dancing queen. I was a little surprised, but chalked it up to having not been to the gym in a few years,
"Is this a new type of exercise?".
"Oh he's just doing his thang," replies the teenie bopper.
A little bit amused and a little bit confused I shrug my shoulders and continue on the tour of the facility. Next place we stop by is the free weight section. This was more of my forte back in the day and I feel a little more comfortable seeing people lifting weights and not dancing on the elliptical machines.
I see a trainer giving a spot to a muscle head lifting a fair amount of weight.
"Impressive," I think to myself. I haven't lifted that kind of weight since my college days. As I stroll by I see him getting ready for his set on the bench, I pause to see just how strong this guy is.
I watch the trainer help him get the bar off the rack and then ease his grip. Then I see the it come crashing down on his neck, almost decapitating this not so macho guy. Quickly the teenie bopper and I rush over, struggle lifting the bar, but eventually get it off the poor lad, saving him from a certain death. As I stand there in disbelief, wiping the sweat off my brow, I think to myself, "what the fuck have I got myself into".
Teenie bopper reassures me that this has never happened before and that it likely never will. Still a bit shaken, I get to my feet and say, "let's just get this tour over with."
Our last stop on the tour is the machine section. This section is a little less dangerous. Machines prevent meatheads from dropping barbells on their heads and there are stickers on each machine to show the would be users how to operate the equipment.
I stroll through the machine section and see that the gym has a decent selection. A chess press, a Smith machine and several others line the aisle. Then I see an old friend ready to hit the tricep dip machine.
"Hey @traf," I yell, but he doesn't acknowledge. It looks like he's focused and in the zone. I start walking a little closer to have a conversation with him, but as I get to about 20 feet away he begins his set. I guess it had been a while since @traf had last been in the gym as well. His gut was larger than I remember and it looked like he had forgotten how to use the tricep machine.
I felt embarrassed for him and decided to turn and walk the other way. I had seen enough. The teenie bopper could tell by the look of disgust that I would not be purchasing a membership.
My mind drifts back to the present, once again I am standing at the open refrigerator. A layer of perspiration covers my brow, a shiver comes over me. Quickly I grab the 6 pack of Bud and head back to safe place on the couch.
"No working out for me", I think to myself. I grab the remote and start flipping through the channels, I'm safe.
Thanks to @comedyopenmic for putting on this contest and all the people working behind the scenes to make it as successful as it is.
I would like to nominate @jcornel and @bunnypuncher to participate in the contest. The more people that get involved, the better the #funny community will be. I would also like to thank @traf for his willingness to let me video tpe him in the gym and for trying to get back in shape.