"For this next one we will get up and wander around the tent to find some other partner. We don't want to get too comfortable with our partner from before, so say bye for now and randomly find someone else in the tent, you guys out there as well."
The next exercise had been about communicating our inner wishes, preferences and desires, and to feel the difference in receiving a conscious "yes" and "no" from our partner to our suggestion for eventually finding common ground.
"You want to ask your new partner something that he or she doesn't want to do. It's not the aim of this exercise that you actually do it, but rather that you experience how it feels when your partner says no to the thing you want to do to them. And please, we're all loving people here who want to work on themselves: Push it a little bit. Don't ask for the easy things if you genuinely want to ask them to massage their genitals. Remember: This is about receiving a no to the thing you want. So even if you want your partner to do the thing he asked please have them receive your no, we'll switch to yes in a few minutes."
And we did that, I said to the girl next to me that I was working with: "I want to get naked with you in the mud and rub my body on yours". She smiled, possibly because she wanted to say yes, lol. But the exercise was receiving a no so she did her best to keep a straight face and say "no".
"I want to shave your hair and draw my name on your lip with a permanent marker" - "no".
We swapped roles, and eventually came to the yes exercise, receiving a 'yes' and recognizing how that feels in comparison.
And that neither a yes nor a no have to mean anything other than 'this particular wish is not aligned with my inner world right now'. I realized how much we usually interpret into mere words like "yes" and "no" instead of getting back to the shared connection in order to find a way that works for both sides. We often get scared of rejection when we hear a no instead of building a bridge between the other individual and ourselves on common ground.
We swapped partners one last time, this time I stood in front of some tall dude with a blonde beard, I think he was from Scandinavia. I asked "Hey Simon, is it important whether we work with the other sex here?"
"Glad you asked, no you can work with anyone, as these exercises impact all social situations we find ourselves in, not only sexuality. Common ground is the basis for any constructive communication."
The dude said hi and so did I. We introduced each other and didn't feel weird about working together, quite the contrary. Maybe it was good to work from man to man on this one, to make it a little less comfortable.
"For this last exercise we want to push it even a little further," Simon said.
I want you to think of something you would like to do to the other person, and then ask permission to do so. This time we actually want to do the thing we are asking so it can be physical but would have to be something the other one feels comfortable to do in a public setting. So even when she wants to get naked with you, you can't expect to have her do that here. So be creative, think of something reasonable here, but at the same time something physical that would normally violate their boundaries. Ask permission, and if the other pseron agrees go do it."
The dude looked at me for a few seconds then said: "I would like to play with your beard, how do you feel about that?"
"I'd love to," I said. Always love playing with my beard and apparently so did he. He went with his fingers through my beard, taking time to play with the grain and to - dare I say - explore it! It didn't have anything sexual about it, but rather it was about the experience of open communication in order to allow for experiences not commonly tolerated in everyday society. Communication trumping the unconscious gathering of unfulfilled desires, with training wheels so to speak.
"Now the second part of the exercise is asking the other person the following: Do you like this? and if your partner says 'yes': How can I make this even more enjoyable for you?
This is about openly communicating our preferences and desires in coming closer to a mutually fulfilling experience."
So he asked me: "Do you like this?" - "Yes, feels just as good as if I were playing with the beard myself."
"Yay. How could I make this more enjoyable for you?" I pondered it for a second. "You could really be a little more rough with it, like petting a dog or something, you're not hurting me."
And he applied a little more force which felt good, almost like a jaw massage. "How is that?" - "It's perfect now" I said and almost wanted to fall asleep, feeling like a purring kittie.
We swapped roles and I asked him whether I could twist spirals in his long blonde hair that seemed to invite me to twirl and twist them into locks. I have always loved twirling and playing with long hair, though I found out that part of the fun is the sensation of the hair root's reacting to my own level of pull. He liked it, but agreed - playing with our own hair is more fun. "How can I make this more enjoyable for you?", I asked. "You can pull and twirl a little stronger, like you were combing my hair" he said.
"Like that?"
It must have looked priceless seeing random people of all ages in a tent touching each other in random places after a short respectful communication exchange. "We don't normally do this everyday out there do we?" Simon said.
And people laughed, there really was something here and many people I talked to afterwards felt like they had discovered something about themselves. I felt the same way. "Mainly the idea that we are not alone with our inner hangups and that presence and self-love are overlooked tools in developing the capacity to love others, also on a sexual level", Simon said.
I marvelled.
"So this is the end of our workshop for today everyone, thank you all for participating. If any of you want to go a little deeper, we invite you to come to our workshops tomorrow where we will have "the penis dialogues" for the men and "the vagina dialogues" for the women as some things are best shared among the same sex only. And we'll bring both workshops together when we're done and then go for the big finale. We thank you for your attention and love, and we hope you will take something home with you and can build better communication with your friends, family, partners and everybody else in your life."
Soaring applause, everyone cheered and Simon and Dara seemed thrilled and grateful for all the aware participants' presence. They bowed to us with folded hands and many little conversations ensued after the workshop with people sharing their breakthroughs and experiences with each other.
"Really fuckin' awesome I treated myself to this today" I thought gratefully. Now I'm off to the mainfloor to dance, I think all of this will need to settle a bit and be processed before I know what exactly happened here.
And it did settle and process as the day went on. I felt my behavior towards other people on the festival had changed slightly, there was more willingness to bath in the alleged "awkwardness" of looking at someone without wanting to obsessively talk before that connection had been established. I felt more solid in myself, more certain that my issues would soon be (or had already be) transformed with a little bit of work and focus, and I felt absolutely called to ditch another set or two at the mainfloor tomorrow to come participate in the penis dialogues.
"If this was only the beginning, I think I owe it to myself to go and listen."
And it turned out, participating in the next day's "penis dialogues" was not only rewarding but putting many things in my life back into a healthy perspective. Men talking to men about men-stuff to better find their way in life seemed too good to pass up, and I'm super happy I went.
Pt 1 - Piercing Through The Mindfucks
Pt 2 - Eye Contact Tension Breakthroughs
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