I had an agitating day today.
A few conflicts were experienced where I was faced by the infection of people I am around, that I love and people I interact with through the meatspace on a daily basis. The conflicts manifested outwards as instantly loud, head-shattering explosions where my unruly pent up psychological distress was unleashed through emotional torrents.
I dropped my bomb and moved away to retain a peace after shellshock but the shellshock piles up.
Trying to explain how I got through these interactions where people in my daily life were starting to gas-light me on the merit of their own fears added to the distress today. On Clown World I aired my scorched & charred experiences with these others, these people being turned in front of my eyes into something inhuman, abhuman.
Situations making me so sharp & vehemently explosive in my retorts that I disliked what I was turning into. I shared this on Clown World and heard from most gathered the same, and I saw a mirror reflecting me back at me. So no, I am not alone in this alienation and confusion...
I got home after having dinner with an old work colleague and was manic throughout. I used him as a sounding board for all of this and unfortunately he was like a mirror near the end, reflecting the same angst back at me. After all, that's what friends are for and for a while misery did indeed love some company.
It was a relief and i'm very glad to be able to interact with friends in meat-space still (as opposed to the population in my proximity being potential adversaries). Comfortable, relief and despite sharing our distressing experiences, immensely cathartic. I relaxed.
Got home and wanted to watch something not immediately recognisable as dystopian, sci-fi, horror, documentary, investigative reporting et, al. Endless #covid-19 propaganda, interrogations, panic started auto-playing. My irksome twitching resumed anew.
Then I saw this title and had to watch it all. Chris Martenson, with his channel Peak Prosperity has been one of the most calming, rational channels to watch for the latest on the latest covid-19 clown world insanity.
His question to the viewer made me feel lighter from the outset so I started doing some menial OCD tasks that I do when in states of agitation.
I started flicking through the scanned visual diaries from my Young Adulthood spent in Fine Arts College.
- Lo and Behold the first full page I read synced up perfectly with everything I was trying to explain, to describe to get the fuck outside of me and onto some creative format as a record
And I wrote this in 2003
