CONSIDERATIONS FOR E-MAIL RESPONSES
Audience cc: FWC Deputy President and Assistant Commissioner, Gil Conn legal team appointed to represent respondent, principal respondent M.D.
1. Politeness and excessive courtesy to the point of being pedantic.
2. Oblique and casually conversational tone in email correspondence to the point of exhibiting obvious smarmy attitude upon first reading, yet having some points raised for the purpose of dwelling in all respondents’ minds when trying to fall asleep at night.
3. Unnecessarily didactic and self-assuming of my own authority in this matter.
4. Cheerful and helpful countenance when giving my e-mail updates to an unwanted audience, as if I was authoring a newsletter that they had subscribed to.
5. Make sure that the latest news covering how COVID-19, governmental & bureaucratic responses, Vaxx stabbing mandates and increasing number of reports detailing vaxx stab adverse effects is delivered in a dispassionate manner.
6. Yet when updating with any latest news that directly affects or could have potentially devastating consequences to the audience members’ sector or specialty, ensure that tone and content of the email update contains ill-fitting but good-natured humour.
7. Intent of this is to subconsciously try simulating each audience members’ internal monologue, full of lame ass excuses and justifications for avoiding any cold truths or for deflecting steadily rising anxieties. Boiling the frogs, Roiling the Flogs.
8. Cryptic typographic and grammatical errors, consider using inappropriate ASCII Art?
9. Followed up by phone calls / voicemails and/or e-mails seeking their apologies.
10. Perhaps I should use a fax machine as e-mails are so easy to misplace, accidentally delete or make embarrassing spelling errors in. As for fax number and try to spark up a conversation on the pros and cons of using a fax machine.
11. Never question the integrity of the audience members but incessantly and brusquely correct them when they make an error (whether procedural, factual or legal – it does not matter!). Make sure there’s lengthy and overabudant text in such coarse corrections, exploring possibility of making it hard to follow on purpose.
12. Ensure that once all audience members are patterned into this type of communication, I then proceed to purposely make mistakes when communicating a correction to audience members over a tiny, perceived error. Intent of this purposeful mistaking of errors is so audience members are baited into relishing correcting my errors. “taking the bait.”
13. Immediately respond to any such reply trying to dress me down, cut me down to size with the most dismissive, surly and unprofessional acknowledgement of same. Basically replying to the effect of “Yeah, whatever. You know it and I know it: I don’t even read your shit.” OR MAYBE “ah yeah, ok. I’ll read your reply later when I can be bothered getting around to it as I’m currently drinking a chai-latte while finishing the pickling of my next batch of Plum Jam, FIG JAM, yams and salted herring for the coming Winter. It’s a time-critical & seasonal process that I have to complete in that sweet-spot between Summer and Autumn. Thank you for your patience and understanding.”
14. Start gettign specific regarding certain events other staff and stakeholder relationships to emulate still being employed and involved in workplace matters. Stretch this out to imply a scenario where i’m employed by ALL audience members.
15. When mentioning other people or audience members in email responses, be vague enough to avoid all implication or allude to any allegations of a person mentioned. This is made blatant (legally or otherwise) on the email correspondence chain by only recalling positive and praise-worthy things e.g. “Blah, blah was such a good worker and they were so supportive of my cigarette addiction. I wouldn’t have been able to withstand the working environment without bumming the occaisional lung torpedo off of blah blah.”
16. Request that audience mbembers that aren’t related or included in the email correspodence pass on my recollections of praiseworthy moments and compliments to the others. Request confirmation that this has been noted on the record. Do this everytime the audience member I would normally direct such compliments to is already included in the email, giving the impression that I had forgotten that audience member was cc’d into the email correspodence the entire time.
17. Apologize sporadically for my oversights, not realising Principal M.D. (for example) is included in email correspondence. Silly me... then leave my apology hanging, as if to impugn that athough my compliments are sincere, I can’t be fucked addressing them to the appropriate audience member.
18. Consider doubling up on this e.g. ask Legal Counsel whether they could pass on compliments to Ops Mgr (F.D.) knowing full well Principal M.D. is still cc’d in the email correspondence.
19. Ask whether any faxed or posted correspondence is likely to be delayed in delivery due to floods, earthquakes or “some sort of weird-ass flu.”
20. Follow this up by asking whether Floods, Earthquake or Flu is why Commissioner’s Chambers are making simple errors with confirmation of time zones and accurately communicating conciliation dates (refer to first round of conciliation hearing dates occurring on public holidays and Easter holidays).
21. Acknowledge that despite such erorrs, they are only a minor inconvenience and easily forgiven considering how promptly the Commissioner’s e-mail inbox is attended to and incoming emails are speedily replied to.
22. Remark how fast and prompt the email correspondence is when replying to legal counsel. Sulk over how you wish you were a lawyer so FWC would provide you the privilege of prompt response.
23. Insinuate, confide to audience members that despite giving credit where credit is due, you still think “Slow and steady wins the race, but it’s all a balancing act between speed and accuracy, isn’t it?”
24. “I learn this maxim very early on in life, specifically by doing Typing Tutor lessons in my computer studies class as a student in Grade 8.” Not intending to say the esteemed commissioner types too slowly, not at all! (I wouldn’t ever dare suggest such a thing!) but perhaps the FWC could consider typing their correspondence and acknowledgements within the body of their email correspondence instead of generating a separate .pdf letter document that requires to be attached, proof-read and printed onto the FWC’s letterhead.
25. Could it be that too many attachments slow down email delivery more than the Floods and some sort of spooky sniffles/ flu does?
26. Always give salutations & well-wishes that are contextually appropriate, e.g. “Good Monday Morning All & Sundry. I was going to attach a funny meme image of Garfield grizzling over his most dreaded day of the week, Monday, but wasn’t sure whether cats would be allowed in the FWC’s Deputy President Commissioner’s Chambers.
27. “Monday’s aren’t so bad now I’m not working in an office full of broken hearts and concealed farts. After all, it’s possible that maybe Garfield got it wrong?”
28. Be constantly and insiduously implying you are taking great efforts in your ongoing FWC application & truly appreciate being given the opportunity to do so, hint at being eager & receptive for any free advice the Chambers’ could provide me.
29. Ask Gill Connell (legal counsel), whether Insurer’s legal panel rates were indexed to CPI every quarter “because they should be, you deserve that extra 1.3%”
30. Review Gill Connell job opportunities and ask for a job or internship. Ask to whom I could direct any enquiries regarding job or work experience opportunities to? Ask whether they have a fax number.
31. Ask if it is ok for me to put down Principal MD & Ops Manager FD (aka “DARK”) as references, knowing full well he is cc’d into the email corro.
32. Ask if they’ve heard of Substack, “it’s like a cleaner, more streamlined microblog service – kind of like what Elon Musk wanted to turn Twitter into.”
33. Send blank or 1/2 written emails, apologize that it was sent in error. “I belched loudly and hit a keyboard shortcut to send this email prematurely. I did not know that such a keyboard shortcut existed to send emails.”
34. Openly admire all audience members, announcing dramatically that the future of compassionate workplace relations and disputes shall be built upon this special time we are currently spending together in Cyberspace.
35. Request Gil Connell’s to send Financial Lines National Claims Manager “Irish Guy,” my well wishes and is he looking forward to Winter skiing season this year at Thredbo.
36. Ask for any gossip re: Deputy President Commissioner which advocate.me solicitor Serene Teffaha tore strips off in her Telegram chat rants.
37. Would it be ok to use some of my experiences of this process in comedy sketches? I’ll anonymize the names and companies involved of course (as much as is required by law, of course) but the situational comedy in this Covid-era presents so many absurd laughs! I’m doing dial-in Zoom calls and my audience is growing every week (substack really helped get the social media engagement out there!)
38. Accidentally include iceni/Spartacus substack in same corro asking if anyone would like a zoom call invite?
39. I’m using William Burroughs’ cut and paste writing technique where I’m writing hard-hitting matters of fact and corn-ball jokes onto index cars which I lay out face-down then pick at random.
40. Sprinkle obvious masonic phrases like “Let’s Square This Off,” “I’ll Get One Matter On The Level To You,” “Wolves In Sheep’s Clothing,” “Hoodwinking,” “Scapegoating,” “Revelation of the Method.”
41. Are emojis allowed in our email correspondence?