Hypomania.
That’s what happens to me, that is why I am here writing, most of the time. That’s what I am most prone to do when I am hypomanic. Now, this is different than a full blown manic episode where someone might not sleep for 3 or 4 days. I’ve been close to that. You eventually kind of snap. I’m not sure how to describe it but, particularly if you are drinking, or using drugs, which mostly I don’t do anymore, that’s when it can get really bad. It’s not fun, not being able to sleep. I should have Valium, but I don’t. You see, physchiatrists find me interesting, but very hard to diagnose. A doctor did say I had Social Anxiety Disorder and PTSD from 9/11 but was “over it now.” Yeah, I don’t know about that, I had a nightmare about it last week.
So, depression has always been an issue for me. In general I am very frustrated with the world and I think most people are idiots and I just find it very hard to get along with people. Many years ago, before 9/11 even, I was involved, regularly, with people on a fantasy football message board. It was interesting because at that time, those people, for whatever reason tended to be more right wing associated people. I am quite the opposite, voted for Bernie Sanders in the primary. Hope he runs again. I think he could win, and actually fix a lot of things that are wrong in this country. Including the big banks, and the federal reserve, there needs to be a slow transition to financial sovereignty or, frankly all Hell breaks loose, but I digress. When I am depreessed, that becomes my normal kind of floor. If I feel like things are not going well for the country and the world, I will be depressed. All the time. It’s like the boss I had where I was alergic to her perfume suggest I see an alergenist about it. Uh, I am pretty sure, as long as I am able to smell, there is going to be an issue. You can’t really medicate me for my depression unless you can convince me the world is not totally messed up and human being are doomed. We are not built for space travel, anyway. Cephalopods (octopus and squid) are the future space pilots that will escape this planet that mamals just ruined.
Now, I have been perscribed an anti depressant, I was off, now I am back on it. I think, if anything, when I take it, I am more succeptable to hypomania. Hypomania is pretty specific to Bipolar 2, from what I have read. I am pretty much self diagnosed, doctors wont agree. If they test my IQ they will find I am in the 135ish range, just smart enough to know I am not a genius, but it’s not hard to make that kind of detemination very quickly, if you are a trained psychiatrist. So, for them, that’s a challenge. I will, as I am prone to do, especially as someone who has played a lot of live poker, show you what I want you to see. In general, I hate therapy, I’ve wasted a lot of time in my life in therapy. Maybe it’s not me that’s crazy, maybe it’s the rest of the world that is fucked up. Can you stop me from smelling? I suppose. The correct anti-depressant would make me so messed up, I wouldn’t care. Heroin, maybe is what I should go for. I’m serious, I have a lot of pain issues too, spinal stenosis and severe early onset arthritis and man ... Heroin ... never tried it. I’m afraid I would become a junky very quickly. If I drink, like a lot, also my pain goes away. I find that Marijuanna, and I grow my own, totally organic, works the best for me on most of these issues, pain, insomnia, hypomania, etc, with the least side effects. I can administer it, right away by smoking it. I smoke a lot of pot. I try not to drink, at least like I used to ... I get surly and say weird confusing stuff, make inappropriate jokes, it’s not good.
So, the fantasy football community I had been a part of for many years, they turned on me. They didn’t like my politics, I was very out as a liberal, proud liberal. Like I would kiss another dude who was a liberal, even though I’m not gay kinda liberal (there he goes with the inappropriate jokes again). The problem really started like a couple years after 9/11, I posted from my office in a thread there, on 9/11 saying something like: “Confirmed. Both towers hit by different planes.” They knew I lived and worked in Downtown NYC for years. But they built this lie. I was turned away from giving blood at St. Vincent hospital. I told this story, a line a block long and people were handing around sliced turkey and whatever because you are supposed to eat. Nurses wanted people that ate breakfast and knew their blood type. Cops wanted people to disperse. So that is what I did, I have a loud voice, I can really project, so I helped relay the cops messages to the crowd, “THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO TO HELP IS GO HOME!” and that is precisely what I did. With my parents, we went and ate lunch in their West Village apartment and of course watched the news. Anyway, somehow at one point I had said that I went to the hospital to give blood, but then did not actually give blood and they said I ”lied about being a hero” on 9/11 or whatever, and at first it was kinda funny, but it turned into a situation where other people with similar politics would get attacked. They wanted us to leave. They wanted their own little bubble where they can talk about how great Alex Jones is, or whatever. But it was pretty evil, this character assasination that these geeks on a low rent fantasy football board had pulled. And there was a time, I was drinking a lot, having issues with the PTSD and not being able to find work and having no access to any kinda medication besides alcohol, in the years after my brother committed suicide. And that was a joke to them. I opened up to them and told them about it, and they made jokes about it. I stayed. I argued with them. Eventually I was banned, ostracized, called crazy. Yeah, maybe. I’m hard to diagnose.
“Little bit of everything.” a doc once told me. “Nooooo.” I quickly said. “I’m not scitzo and I’m not a sociopath.” She agreed. It’s just the human condition.
So, after and during that, I also was involved a lot in the poker message boards, got myself banned there too. I wanted to do this very Charlie Sheenish, kinda stream of consciousness shit that just nobody liked. One question you get asked in a psych exam is, “Do you ever feel like you are they greatest, smartest, grandest person on Earth?” No. I always answer no ... BUT ... ya know, if say I am exageratimg a bit and my IQ is only 120 ... or if I have wore it down to that from 135 ... that still puts me in the 99th percentile. From my perspective, I have to deal with stupid people, making things harder than they need to be, every God damned day.
It’s funny how people on Twitter right now are bashing the whole concept of getting a Phd. I have a BFA and an MS from NYU. Like, if I got a Phd from some online scam University, that would taint my actual academic achievements. Of course, if I ever do become famous, doubtful while I am alive but possible, NYU will want me to come talk about, how whatever it is ... I convinced people to be nice to each other. That would be something I would like to be known for. Children that are bullies, grow up to be cyber bullies. Nobody is talking about this.
So, in poker, partly because I can do the math in my head, ya know, I will take your money. Also, if we ever played before I will remember how you played. I might have changed my style, but you haven’t. I’m a have fun typa guy at the poker table, talk about anything but politics ... but I will take your money. Friend or not, I can’t help it, I am just a killer. Yeah, that doesn’t lead to a lot of REAL friends. Just sorta dudes I know that hope I don’t show up at their poker table.
Never meet any available women I want to date. At my age (late 40’s) even though I’m “crazy”, hard to find a woman that does not also come with a lot of baggage. I told my mother years ago, and she cried, “my only dream left, is to just be left alone, and it shouldn’t be that hard.” Yeah that’s still my dream. I want to be the crazy guy, lives over there in that 400 acres, all by himself. Have a pet dog. Simple things. Maybe a woman. Or sometimes, some women, I still like women. Don’t think that’ll ever change.
However, I gotta say ... and word to some people on twitter like @cryptodale and @bitcoinbella_ and @cryptogayguy that get it. Sometimes, I am a little bit manic. I’m a lover not a fighter though. I just want to talk. That’s all. About anything. But it would be good if we both agree, like how Trump is bad.
If you still believe Donald Trump after the whole “I meant to say would and I said wouldn’t” thing ... there’s no hope for you. But I feel, in many ways accepted, in the crypto community, even the people I disagree with politically. And I know some of you have asked, like WTF dude, why are you talking so much?
Sorry. I am not well.
Thanks for reading.