“Your task is not to seek for love,” the poet Rumi said, “but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
As with most things, this task is much easier said than done. Our insecurities run deep, many of them the response to traumas inflicted upon us when we were very young. Such traumatic events are among our earliest memories if we even remember them at all. If you are getting extremely uncomfortable or upset just talking about this issue, then stop reading this and come back to it when you feel you are ready.
Some of you have experienced things that are horrifying for most of us to even imagine. They include physical abuse, sometimes sexual abuse and abandonment by the adults who were our entire world at that young age.
If you have been the victim of very traumatic experiences and you suffer from mental and emotional issues, if you have been diagnosed with PTSD, an anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder or some other condition that would best be served by you getting in touch with qualified mental health professionals, I advise you to do that. I’m not one, and I’m not a replacement for psychiatric treatment or counseling. I’m a relationship coach, period.
But as your relationship coach, one of the things I’ll be discussing with you is your insecurity. As human beings, all of us have insecurities. No one is perfect. No one is flawlessly fearless.
We’re human. Any baby can be frightened and we were all babies once. If there are any 100% perfect human beings who got together and became flawless perfect parents, I’ve never met them or heard of them. So I’ll say confidently that to be a human being is to have some insecurities and issues.
The reason I’m qualified to help you with the problem of your insecurity laying waste to your relationships? It’s because I’m a flawed human being too. My own insecurities laid waste to my relationships also. I made the same mistakes not just for months or years, but for decades. I got so tired of fumbling around in the dark, and suffering needlessly, I finally did something about it. I sought out the understandings I was lacking.
For the first time in my life I started asking the right questions. After countless hours of focused reading, online research and contemplation on this problem, I became aware that the reason my relationships were disasters was my insecurity. I discovered ways of facing fear instead of being controlled by it. So I’m not an academic expert on dating and relationships. I’m a human being that spent decades suffering. My first hand experience with drama and rejection taught me a lot about what others actually go through.
I’m not scientist. I don’t have statistics or studies to share with you. I don’t want to inundate you with a myriad of hypotheses and theories. I’m going to share with you what actually worked for me when I was experiencing repeated pain and rejection, searching for a way out of it. I can’t guarantee it will help you. But if you are in the same situation that I was, you might find the ideas I share with you to be as life-altering as I do.
So what was your task? Oh yeah. It was to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against love. What is it that’s getting in the way—not only of loving and being loved by others—but also getting in the way of self-love, self-esteem, self-acceptance, self-forgiveness?
I’m a big science fiction fan. I could blissfully watch sci-fi films for hours everyday. One of my favorite lines is from author Frank Herbert. “Fear is the mind-killer.” You know what, though? It’s also the relationship killer. It’s not just a mind killer but also a heart breaker.
So breaking free from being controlled like a slave by fear, anxiety and insecurity? That is the name of the game. Your own insecurity is the boss you have to fight, and defeat, before you can level up. You need to level up if you intend to meet the man or woman of your dreams and actually remain in that relationship long-term.
If you hear nothing else I say to you, hear this: It’s not about you finding a loving fearless partner. It’s about you becoming a loving a fearless partner. Say that to yourself until it really sinks in. It’s not about finding the right person. It’s about being the right person.
You’re in an abusive relationship with a dominating monster who barks orders at you, who pushes you around day and night. This monster, the insecurity monster, destroys everything good and robs you of any chance to be happy. It’s a big bully. This abusive relationship between you and this bully is going to have to come to an end, meaning, you are going to have to stop being this monstrous bully’s obedient bitch. Understand?
The insecurity monster must not be allowed to rule you any longer. I can coach you. I can tell you how to win. But this fight is yours alone. I can’t get into the ring with you. I can’t be there in your head with you. But the things I tell you can, if you make an effort to understand and remember them.
First things first, however. It has got to become crystal clear in your mind why this fight, this battle, is necessary. It isn’t going to be pleasant. It isn’t going to be easy. In fact the reason the insecurity monster barks orders at you, and the reason you obey, is because you know to be true what I’m about to tell you. ITS JOB IS TO KEEP AWAY THE PAIN.