But it hurts... more than anything.
These two boys are my life. When they were born, something in me changed forever. Motherhood, huh? It'll do crazy stuff to you. But apparently not enough changed in me. Life has been seriously tough lately and I don't know if it's the death of my father, horrible family problems, or just on going relationship bullshit that is pushing me to the edge, but I have a feeling that it's a vile, unhealthy mix of it all. Or, as my nagging mind tends to tell me, it's just the monster inside me that is causing all these problems.
Now, I'm bearing my life and dark mind for you all to see and I don't really care about the comments that I will get. Right now writing is the only outlet I have and I just need to get it all off my chest. A little backstory, I grew up in a broken home. My parents were either never there or fighting and my mother was the worst at venting her anger on us kids, me especially, and she was constantly drunk there at the end. They finally got a divorce in '99 and since I was the last child left in the household, it meant that I needed to go with one of my parents. My mom blatantly told my father that if he didn't take me, I would end up in foster care, because she just didn't want me. She never did. So my father and I moved to Missouri knowing that he didn't yet have a job or any money for that matter. Especially since my mother was taking all that she could from us. She was a monster that took everything she could, even your mental stability. I've been scared from that woman my whole life. I have anxiety and bi-polar depression from the horrible childhood I lived through. And it has stuck with me all these years, despite the love from others and good times I've had.
As I was growing into a young lady, my father would always remind me when I was acting like her, and that I should change myself to not be that way. And oh how I tried... I didn't want to be hated by all those that loved me for being a huge bitch, and running all my fiends and family away with my attitude. I didn't want to end up alone and hated by all. My father was my strength that helped me keep that beast in it's cage. Or so I thought... But is it really possible to repress those things that we get from our parents genes? After all, it's part of your DNA, right? It isn't just the way you act, it's the instinctual reaction you have to things like stress and pain. So to me, after all these years of trying to battle that monster, I've come to realize that I just can't kill it or hide it. It will surface and ruin it all. And in turn ruin the lives of these amazing children of mine. If that isn't done already...
I love my children more than anything in this world. They are some of the brightest, kindest souls I have ever met. And truthfully I can't even see how they came from me. And I will never forgive myself for the crap I have already put them through. They deserve to be saved, and that's what I plan on doing. Although I have already talked to them about leaving, they are stuck on their decision of me staying. But I know that if I stay, they will pay. They don't see it, and they don't understand that even though it will hurt for a while, they will be better off without me in their lives. Because they won't have this monster on their backs for the rest of their lives, like I do.
In the end, I am of course torn on what to do. I don't want to leave them either, but I know how it's going to turn out. And I know what's best for them. I would rather them hate me for leaving, then for them to hate me for the way I've treated them throughout their lives. I hope that one day they will understand and know that I did it for them. Because I love them so much. And I know the damage that this monster can do. I don't want them to suffer anymore or for the rest of their lives like I have. I've been crying and lying in bed for days, sick to my stomach and barely able to eat. There is no strength left and I can't find my bearings. I know they see it and it pains them to watch me at my lowest. It's embarrassing and something I am not proud of. So sharing this on here is so very hard for me to do. And the talk I had with my boys yesterday ripped out my heart.
But I've also been noticing that I'm utterly alone. Friends are already leaving, family has abandoned me, the signs are already showing their ugly face. Might as well get it done and over with before I hurt the only two people I care for the most, right? I've already tried everything I can think of, all to no avail. The only thing left that I can do is to save those beautiful souls from myself. I have to use the last of my strength to pack my stuff and leave. I just can't find another option...
