"For the good and for the bad, in health and in sickness, all the days of my life, until death do us part"
This is what we have been told, right ? One gets married for a lifetime,marriage is a life time contract.
Currently , one in two marriages is broken . Why? There are so many and many theories. Do you know what I'm saying? I do not care what the motives are, that what really matters to me is the emotional health of all those children with a divided heart, of all those mothers who see their "children's fairy tale" truncated, and for all those parents who do not see their children become everything they would like. Are they guilty? Usually not.
Years pass, people change, evolve and sometimes take different paths. This separation of feelings is !
brewing for months, years. Little by little, with the passage of time, one realizes that his traveling companion is in another car, even in another train ... Suddenly a day comes when you look in the mirror and say: "My children deserve a happy mother ". Because you know something? In order for your children to be happy, they need a happy mother . The same words for you, the parents.
There is no doubt that the "selfishness" of children leads them to want to keep their parents together, at all costs, and whatever the cost; even if that means seeing your mother or father in sadness. And it is like that. It is the nature of the children. I do not blame them.
But as parents, we must be aware of this, as we must also know that seeing parents who do not love each other, indifferent to each other, without joy or worse, with arguments and arguments at home, does not benefit them at all. . Moreover , it will mark their emotional development and their way of relating to your future partners . How many adults are there with the famous fear of commitment that are children of traumatic divorces? Many, and many more will be if there is no change.
In separations, usually there is always one that wins against the other, this is so; I wish we could change it. I wish all the separations were made from the maturity of two people who are no longer happy and decide to take separate paths. But this, almost never happens like that. There are so many years living with a person, so many things in common that one can not understand what has happened. At what time has my marriage been broken? At what point have you stopped loving me? Has another person appeared and why he does not love me anymore? Why do not I feel the same?
There is no turning point. There is no one before and one after. There is no other person who suddenly makes you fall out of love with your partner and leave everything behind. That only happens in movies. It is much more complex.
It is a slow process of a long time. The feelings towards the other person are exhausted, they are extinguished, slowly ... we hardly realize until there comes a time when if you listen to your inner voice you discover that the life you lead does not make you happy.
The decision is hard, very hard . It mixes the love you feel for your partner and unconditional LOVE to your children. You fear to hurt them, you fear making them suffer, you fear to be wrong ... but at the end of it all, if you have enough courage, you will think of yourself and say: "I need to be happy!" And that feeling begins to round your head, it prevents you from sleeping, it prevents you from eating, it prevents you from smiling ... And it becomes a vital necessity.
At this point, there are people who fear blocks them and keep quiet, where they are, doing nothing more than what everyone expects of them. They renounce their own happiness and there they stay. I respect them all. It is your decision. They maintain the traditional "family unit". But do you really think that this is "unity"? Is it really a good example that we give the children seeing that father or that resigned mother? Is that love selfless? Worth? I do not think so.
There is another series of people, brave and fighters by nature, who refuse to accept this new reality; who refuse to abandon themselves to that emotional indifference and decide to take the leap. And most of the time, they are not wrong.
In times of major crisis in life, it is not worth what others tell us, not even what you tell yourself, it is only worth what you feel.
When a misfortune occurs, human nature goes through different phases. And this happens with great diseases, with disasters of nature, with accidents, with losses ... and with separations also:
First we go through a phase of denial , we can not believe that this is happening to us; then we get the pain , anger, pain ... Then we look for the guilty: the doctor who treated her did not do it well, if I did not get to take the car it would not have happened ... We tend to look for the guilty ones. Many times there are not.
Life is in continuous movement. If we find the one we consider guilty, we deposit in him or her all our rage, all our anger knowing that it does not comfort us, on the contrary, it fills us even more with rage and pain. That is not the way. We must overcome what happened and reach the acceptance phase .
Being a father / mother is for life. No matter the circumstances, it does not matter under the roof where you sleep, it does not matter the kilometers that separate you ... It's an unconditional love; It is something magical. And that is what must remain INTACT; this is sacred.
The differences between the mother and the father only to them corresponds to handle them. I know you have heard this a thousand times but: Do not involve your children . Do not use them as currency, they are not the missile weapons of your war . Do not do it, please.
The only ones who will lose are the children ... the damage done to them is irreparable. You may lose money, status, comforts but your emotional resources as an adult that you already are, will make you, over time, recompose and recover. Your children do not have those resources, there will be no going back. They will only add scars. Do not let that happen.
Speak with your children calmly, expose the situation calmly and relaxed: "Dad and mom have decided to separate. From now on we will live in different houses to be happier. We will continue loving you very much, both of you. We will continue to be by your side whenever you need us. " Make it clear that they are not to blame for anything.
Young children often feel guilty . They think that dad has left or mom has decided to separate because of them. Do not let them believe that. Turn your most tender love with them.
Adolescents tend to look guilty : sometimes they blame the father (for having left home, for working many hours, for falling in love with another woman), sometimes for the mother (for being a grumpy, for not being at home when needed , for falling in love with another man ...). Sometimes those who consider guilty are third parties ... Understand them, give them time. They also have to spend their grief. Talk to them as much as you can, respect their periods of silence. Do fun activities with them and above all, be patient.
Respect ALWAYS the one who was your life partner. Never insult him in front of your children (behind either ...). Do not speak ill of him / her. Do not discharge your anger in that way ...
Try to maintain good communication with your former partner ... there is no better example for your children. Think of them. The important thing about the family is not to live together, it is to be united.
When you are tempted to vent your rage: Stop, breathe deeply, count to 10 and think about your children. They will give you the light you need.
What does one have to "swallow" certain things? Yes all. On one side and another. But carrying a cordial divorce and maintaining fluid communication is priceless. There will be no better life teaching for your children than that,he Fact that you are no longer partners does not make you enemies, think of your children!
Families are not destroyed, they are remade, they are rebuilt ... Remember that once the mourning and the reconstruction phase have passed, your children will see a mother and a father, happy, smiling, vital ... living in two different houses, yes. And that's wrong? Who determines which is the best family model? Based on what?
If mom and dad are happy, our children are happy . Under different roofs, but happy. Happiness does not mean roofs or walls ... Happiness knows no limits.