There is no rule book on parenting, and there definitely isn't one way that is right for everyone. The choices and decisions you make will depend on you, your child, your culture, location and life situation. With that said, there are some general things that I think applies to almost everyone, because they are about developing character and qualities that can give your child (and your family) a rich, and beautiful life. Building character and shaping a child’s behaviour is something some parents try to do intentionally, whilst others let a child’s natural tenancies develop without any attempt to change it. Whatever path you may choose, there are very strong messages and 'rules' being learned by your child due to the way in which you communicate with them and the things you say, and more importantly the words you use. Language can be use to liberate and free us, or it can be used to coerce and manipulate.
This world is based on a dominating culture, that enjoys violence in all it forms. Conflict is perpetuated all our interactions. It is bred into us, and is the general psychological make-up of much of the world. The way this world operates is by congratulating or punishing. If we make a mistake, we think that we deserve to suffer. Conversely, when we do good things we thing it is OK and even good to bestow great praise and even rewards to encourage such behaviours. Its all a game, a part of the who's right game. This game has created so much violence on this planet, and permeates every moment an interaction in our lives.
I would like to bring in a different concept. It can be called Natural Giving. Natural Giving is what we were born to do, and anything we do in life that isn't coming out of that energy, we pay for it, and everybody else pays for it. Anything we do out of fear or punishment, everybody pays for it. Anything we do for a reward, everybody pays for it. Everything we do to make people like us, everybody pays for it. Everything we do out of shame, duty, guilt, obligation, everybody pays for it. That isn't what we were designed for, and most people don’t even realise what we are doing to each other when we bestow praise or judgement on each other. It may seems normal to us, but that’s only because we’ve been bred into this way of thinking. Let me say here, normal doesn’t mean natural!
So how did we get off target? How did we stray so far from our natural beingness? Well, it started around 5,000 years ago, around the time that people starting thinking that people are inherently evil. They also believed that when people are behaving badly people should be taught to hate themselves for what they are doing. For political and other reasons we started to develop a new language that cuts us off from life, and makes it very easy to be violent. In 75% of programs that children watch today the hero either kills somebody or beats them up, and this happens at the climax of the program. We have been programmed for quite a while to make violence enjoyable, even though its not our nature. We have even learned to be violent to our children, with moralistic judgements to enforce change in their child. A parent playing this game may say things like, SAY YOUR SORRY!, until they can see their child looking sad and remorseful. Now, if that is how a parent responds to their own child, what are they going to do to people from other cultures who behave in a way they don't appreciate? This is the seed of violence! This is how we got off target, even though we could be making life wonderful in each moment, we have been programmed to play another game, "who's right".. and to think of everything in terms of normal, abnormal, good and bad. A totally polarised world!
I would like to demonstrate how our language has been used to do great harm to each other in a plethora of ways with a short quote from The Trial Of Nazi war criminal Adolf Eichmann. He was asked:
Interviewer: "Was it hard to send tens of thousands of people to their death?"
Eichmann: To tell you the truth, it was easy. Our language made it easy.
That answer shocked his interviewer
Interviewer: What language?
Eichmann : My fellow Nazi officers and I had our own name for our language, we called it office speak. It is a language where we deny responsibility for our actions. When asked why we did something we reply, we had to, we were under orders, it was our job, its company policy, they made me do it. "
This is very dangerous language, and is responsible for incomprehensible oppression and violence.
All this is bred into us through the use of language and the game of I'm Right !
Request or Demand?
Our teachers and parents should never use words that are in the spirit of "YOU MUST ... or .. YOU HAD BETTER OR ELSE" . We should NEVER teach our child that they HAVE to do something, We should never force our children to do something because we want to change them. This is so damaging to our Children's psyche, and percolates to our entire culture and world. We can request, instead of a demand!
If we bring up our children in the atmosphere of demands and punishments then it will then be hard for them to understand when a request is being made, and not a demand.. for the rest of their lives. They will feel coerced by even a nicely asked request, and become a part of the who's right game of submission or rebellion. Incidentally, NVC is a pretty good cure for totally rebellious children!
No Labels!
This concept is the core of non violent communication and it is about SO Much more than not shouting at one another! It is about honouring our true nature. When you label people and judge people, they end up acting that way. Labels lead to self fulfilling prophecy. This world is based on labels, and judgements, and violence in all it myriad of forms. Imagine a school when a teacher makes polite requests of the children rather than dominating conditions where authorities claim to know what’s right and we must comply or else.
Nonviolent communication is a paradigm shift, and when we give this gift to our children as we bring them up we will be empowering them rather than giving them two options, submission or rebellion.. which isn't good for anyone. SO it's not important HOW we say things to our children, but how we TREAT them when they don't do what we want!
It's not important HOW we say things to our children, but how we TREAT them when they don't do what we want!
No, No's!
All of our needs can be met. If a child first feel empathy from others for THEIR feelings and needs, they are left feeling at least that their needs matter. This makes a world of difference. When we are saying no, we should not use the word no. We should not say I CANT, I DON'T WANT TO, I DONT' HAVE TIME, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE, NOW YOU KNOW HOW NOT TO DO IT, HERE'S HOW YOU DO IT. To say no in nonviolent communication you need to be conscious that a NO is a poor expression of a need. So instead of saying no, say the need that keeps you from saying yes! There begins dialogue, understanding, and all our needs being met!
Say the need that keeps you from saying yes! Don't say No!
Never praise, complement, or reward.
No more praise or complements! Especially when you intend them as a reward. .. that's the ultimate dehumanisation ... to get someone to continue behaving a certain way. No more punishments. No more blame. This game destroys the beauty of Thank You because children have to wonder what the intentions are of others when they are giving praise. Children KNOW the intention of a parent instinctively. Research on the ideas of praise and complements discover that praise ONLY works to help motivate children for a short time.. and then it backfires. It goes wrong because it destroys the beauty of thank you, because now you can not even trust gratitude without wondering if its being used as a reinforcement. You may say it helps to build up the self esteem of a child! BUT, if a child only learns to like themselves when someone else complements them they have no self esteem. You just addicted them to your rewards, that they only feel good when you say something good about them. They have no self esteem!
If a child only learns to like themselves when someone else complements them they have no self esteem.
So how do you show gratitude to a child then!?
The first thing is we bring to the child's attention what they have done that has made life more wonderful for us! That's what we need to do, every day. We need to bring our conscious attention to the power that each one of us has to make life more wonderful. Each of us is a Power House! We have words that have the power to contribute to making lives more wonderful. We can touch people in ways that can make life more wonderful. The more we remember this, we won't get caught up in violent games. Why would we use our energy in any other way then to make life wonderful. That is what we have to make clear in our expression of gratitude. .. specifically what the person did, not a generality. For example:
"Your are brilliant!" Is not a good complement to give your child! And even worse is You are a Good Boy!
Here is why, and the actual response of Marshall Rosenberg (A NVC master) to the same praise from one of his audience during an NVC lecture:
Then instead she opens up her notebook and shows him two things that he said that helped her during the lecture:"I’ve been called a lot names in my life, some positive and some negative.. and i can never recall learning anything valuable by somebody telling me what i am. i think there is Zero information value in being told what you are.. and great danger.. It's just as dangerous to believe you are smart then if you are stupid. Both of these labels reduce you to a THING.. but we are much more than a thing."
Tell them specifically what have they done that has made life more wonderful!
"Marshall: That helps me now, to know that my saying those two things made your life more wonderful"
Secondly, when we share our gratitude, we can also say how we feel about the person having done something good.
So then we can say "I feel hopeful and relieved", "or very grateful" for example.
This is So different to "You are a good boy!".. and you will never scare your child into submission or rebellion.
I have learned so much about the roots of nonviolent communication this past few weeks. Its a beautiful new world for us to discover, and we can instil it in our family at any time! When we start to live like this, we can learn another way of life for us all.
"It's our light, not our darkness that scares us the most. "
I have learned most of what I have spoken about in this post from one very amazing man! It's not often I'm blown away listening to someone talking, but Marshall Rosenberg did just that. If you have found this interesting then Please watch this video below. It is long, and probably the best 2.5 hours i spent watching anything in a very long time!
Solutions Communication Workshop - Marshall Rosenberg
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