You probably think: what the hell is that woman talking about now? And I will have to agree. Not much.
The title of this blog would be the answer to the question 'Where have you been?'
Truth is, I've been around, stalking my favourite Steemians, but not too much either.
We've had a few wonderfully sunny days here in Ireland, and I've taken some time to bring the kids to the beach or the lake, and a walk up the mountain. After a shitty, rainy, and dark but not too cold winter, they deserved that much and I thought it would get me out of this mood I'm in and have been for the past few months. I was wrong. I have to keep doing it for a bit longer.
And it's funny because even though I am pissed off with myself about not posting nearly as much as I want to here (it's been nearly a month!!!) every time I come up with something to write about, I can't get it down right. This mood, I call my BLAH mood. Everything is BLAH, and nothing can really excite me. Until it does. And it did!
So misslasvegas is back, and this time, you won't get rid of me if you poked me with a stick.
So what have I been doing?
I would love to say that I've been keeping myself busy with very constructive things, but that would be a lie.
For a moment, there was an attempt to do a spring clean, but then I did this in January already and half-way through I thought it was enough. I just can't seem to find the energy to do long stretches of cleaning or anything really.
Then there was the thing with the 'job search'. I really, really needed to do something about my financial situation, and a part-time job just seemed the best answer to this issue. But there's always something. The thing is, the kids are homeschooled, so in order for me to take on a job, I would have to find something for evenings or nights so my eldest daughter can mind her siblings. Reality is that I can't afford full day-care or hire someone unless I want to work to pay the babysitter. That's not an option. And besides this: I'd much rather pay my daughter than some stranger.
But every job I apply for is either at the wrong times or in the wrong place, and I refuse to drive for an hour to get to my job, it would hardly be worth it and take too much time from my family. I know, it sounds like I'm complaining, but I'm not. I would literally take on any kind of job, as long as I can work around my time with the kids.
And then, every time I start to stress out because finances are tight and I haven't found anything yet to bridge us over to the next rain of bills, somehow I get bombarded with work for 2 to 3 weeks to come. I am not complaining about that, it's a welcome change and income for the time being.
The black hole around me
There has been at least one day in every week when I thought: 'What the hell was I thinking when I thought it would be a good idea to move us to rural Ireland?' It's not that we haven't had good times here, I would be lying if I said that.
There have been times when I actually loved being here. No traffic jams, the beach only a couple of miles away, or the forest, the lake, you name it. We have pretty much everything here. Everything... but people.
The funny thing is, that I am not particularly fond of having a lot of people around me (an exception was Steemfest), and even though I love it when we go somewhere else to meet-up with homeschoolers for instance, or we get visitors, I always love seeing them go too. I used to be much more of a social butterfly than the last few years. Now, I really appreciate the time alone.
But lately, I've really been craving human interaction. With adults. Not kids. Don't get me wrong, I love homeschooling and having the kids around all the time. They grow up so fast anyway. But, at the same time, it can be very challenging not to have 'people' around to hang out with, or even just for a chat on the phone. It can become quite lonely rather quickly when you have no one around you who shares the same interests.
You could say that I've dug myself into this black hole, and then couldn't find a way out. But now...
It's time...
Plans that have been postponed
Some of you already know that I've had plans to travel through Europe for a while with the kids. I think that this will be a great thing for all of us. My eldest daughter wasn't too fond of the idea at first but is starting to come around. I think the one thing she's dreading is the kids' endless questions ('Are we there yet?'), their complaints ('Mommy! She's sitting on my book!') and the endless: 'I need to pee...' But I think this can easily be solved by having lots of breaks. I mean, it's not like we'll be in a hurry most of the time. She's going to be 18 in January, and although I really think that it's far too early to move out on her own, I wouldn't be able to stop her if she did. So in order to keep that from happening just yet, I will just have to keep her close (and her boyfriend, who's pretty much part of the furniture here).
Anyway, as our financial situation wasn't the greatest, there was no way I could even plan anything just yet, and this really got to me. I usually don't make plans until I have something concrete in hands, and I've learned not to make too many plans since mine always turn out differently than planned. I've learned this the hard way, and if I keep this rule, there won't be any disappointments. It didn't work out that way this time, as I was really hoping to be gone from here right around now, so a little I did feel a little disappointed. Also, I felt a bit useless not being able to do much about the situation. In fact, there were many emotions that went through me, from anger against my youngest son's father for not taking responsibility at all, to sadness about not having anyone, any friends, here at all.
Well, I changed a few things. Not that I have more friends here now, but I have been in touch with some of the people from the homeschool group more. I've also told my ex exactly what I needed to tell him. Not that it did much because the guy still acts like he's dumb, but I got it out and at the same time: his behaviour will make it that much easier to break the ties when we leave. It's not like I haven't been giving him chance after chance. His priorities lie elsewhere, and I can't keep sitting around waiting for him to change. Tough shit. I can't always make everyone happy, but I'll sure as hell try to keep the kids and myself happy. So this is where it's at now. It's us.
Those things that fall into your lap...
And then there was also the thing that I just didn't know where to start. Literally. I want to do a festival in the UK and then spend some time in Holland (not too much though) and after that sweep through Eastern Europe, and eventually land in Southern Europe. However, if the money situation isn't clear, and there is no clear plan, nor a clear 'goal', then it's very hard to do anything really. So all I could really do was sit back and wait, meanwhile preparing things here (getting rid of stuff) and try to improve our situation here. One step at a time. There was really nothing else to be done.
And then, out of the blue, there was something. I should really start to trust more. Trust that everything will fall into place eventually. It's been the story of my life. I have a problem, I start stressing about it, then realize that stress is not going to help the situation in any way. And I let it go for the time being. And THAT is exactly the moment something comes on my path...
By now you'd think I should know this... Next time I'll remember lol.
Anyway, that something that came on my path is the goal. I can't tell you if it will be the forever goal, or long-term goal even, but it's a goal nevertheless. And this is where I leave you. I will tell you all about it in another post. But I can tell you: I am pretty damn excited about it! And the kids are too. The goal is set, now I will have to work on the things in between.
I will just let go of those things I can't change and trust that it will all fall into place too.
Thank you for reading!
