Before I became a mother, I did not believe that children as young as one day olds could teach you so many profound lessons about life in general. I did find them adorable and loveable but I never thought they had within their tiny bodies the power to change you and make you a better person. I just viewed them as tiny humans who knew how to coo, cry, smile, drink, eat and poop a lot. However, it was only after I held my tiny cub in my arms that I realized children had so much to offer to us and the world, and can really help you become a much better person but that too, only if you wish to extract positive lessons from that experience.
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I was quite a judgmental, impatient and not-so-accepting person about 9 years back. Meeting my husband changed me a lot and helped me become quite nonjudgmental but it was my son’s birth and the experiences I had with him and are now having with him with each passing day that are really bringing a huge and positive improvement in my emotions, thoughts, attitude and behavior.
Some of you may judge me for saying this but before I became a mother, I had set certain standards of cuteness. I did not find every child I came across beautiful and used to hold or show my affection on only those that fulfilled the criteria I had set for an adorable child. So yeah, I was quite judgmental and honestly, writing about this right now is quite embarrassing but I feel it is good to be open about my experiences so I can help others improve and also reflect on the positive changes I have brought in my personality.
Coming back to the topic, I was quite judgmental when it came to appreciating and showing affection to babies and people in general, and had some comment to make about someone’s facial expressions almost always. This changed instantly when I had my baby. To me, he was the most beautiful child in the world. He was my tiny bundle of joy and the light of my life- something I call him repeatedly nowadays so he knows how he lit my world and how he continues to end the darkness within and around me with his beautiful light. However, when I analyzed him from the viewpoint of a third person and using my judgmental lens that I wore previously, I did not find him too attractive. His eyes were big and beautiful but the rest of his features were simple. His complexion was slightly tan and a tan complexion is definitely not a sign of beauty where I live. I don’t believe in that but people here do. But did I think he was not beautiful? Of course, not! I was all praises for him and could speak for hours on how amazing every tiny feature and part of his body was.
At that very point I realized that every person in this world is beautiful and special. He may not appear very attractive to you but there are people in the world who love that person and are nothing but all praises for him. It was then that I stopped labelling people as ugly or not-so-beautiful based on their features. Who was I to judge anyone? What gave me the authority to put a label on someone? It was my son who taught me to let go of my judgments and accept everything and everyone. Each one of us is beautiful and special in our own amazing ways and we need to acknowledge that.
I wasn’t just judgmental when it came to beauty but I was also judgmental to the parenting approaches used by parents and the way their children reacted to different situations. If I saw a 3 year crying and demanding for a treat, the first thought that I used to think back then was ‘His parents aren’t doing a good job parenting him/ her’ or ‘They really need to teach him/ her to calm down.’ What I completely used to ignore in all those instances was that it was just a little toddler throwing a tantrum. He does not know how to express himself in the most pleasant and decent manner. This is his way of dealing with his frustrations and his way of expressing his disagreement. He is just 3 and it is okay if he is behaving like that.
I then remembered a few adults I had seen behave in the most unacceptable way with their elders and parents when things did not go their way. Their behavior was arguably one of the worst displays of behavior ever. I won’t lie but I wasn’t a very obedient and well-behaved kid when I was an adolescent. I loved my mother and was really nice to her but when things did not go my way, I was quite difficult to handle. So when I felt at that time that I had the right to behave that way, I was in no position to judge a 3 year old or his parents.
However, I did not understand this till my son turned 2. He used to throw tantrums almost always and did not accept things easily and this went on till he was 3. If I wanted him to dress up, he wouldn’t do it without crying for an hour at least. If I asked him to eat his food, he would make sure to throw quite a tantrum first. when my son started behaving this way, I did quite a lot of research on the issue and found out that terrible two’s as the experts call this stage in toddlers is not an easy phase for them. They are beginning to understand things and throwing tantrums or crying out loud is mostly their way of expressing their frustrations. We are not easy on them either. When they touch something, we tell them not to. However, we forget that we told them not to touch things when they don’t touch their food and feel the child is being fussy about eating.
So it is usually the way we handle them that makes them feel frustrated and throw tantrums and we are in no place to judge them. Since that time, I have stopped judging parents at all and when I see a child in a public place going through a hard time, I usually approach the mother and tell her it is going to be fine.
When I stopped being judgmental because of my son, I started to nurture more patience and humbleness too.When my son was going through one of his tantrums, I watched him patiently. Of course, I used to talk to him and help him understand things but I did not force him to accept it quickly. He used to take his time to understand things and throughout the time that he threw a tantrum and jumped up and down, I used to wait patiently for him to calm down. Was it or is it easy? Not at all but it is definitely doable and helping me become better. I have now become more patient in almost all areas of my life and in other relationships too.
Moreover, I became more aware of my blessings and started cultivating a thankful state of mind. Whenever I was going through a hard time with my son, I used to think of all the reasons why I love him and how he has made my life happier and that helped me nurture gratitude. Gratitude breeds humility so as I became more thankful, I became more content with my life too. Honestly, I have come quite far and feel nothing but happy and proud of myself. My son is amazing and I will forever be indebted to him for making me a better person. Love you Faateh!
Thank you for going through this long post and do let me know if you have ever learned of anything nice from your kids or kids in general.
Lots of love
Sharoon
