Oh, forgiveness. It’s a crazy tricky topic, isn’t it? Do we really need to forgive anyone for anything ever? Are we all really doing our best with what we have in any given moment, or do we just give lip service to that whole idea? We are especially hard on ourselves. I watched a video the other night. A man was talking about a conversation with a friend whose granddaughter had committed suicide. She was berating herself as most people do, and he stopped to ask her if she thought her husband had been neglectful. Was there something he could have done differently to create a different outcome in the situation? Did she blame him? Of course she said “no.” We don’t abuse others half as bad as we abuse ourselves. Do we really need to be sorry ever? Subsequently, do we ever need to forgive someone?
As tricky as it is, it’s still something I do. I apologize to my children when I yell and ask them to apologize when they abuse one another. It doesn’t feel like exactly the right way, and I imagine at some point I will choose to find another path where we somehow discuss that it’s not ok to walk around hitting others with sticks. It hurts the other person and usually makes the one hitting feel like shit.
All that said, without a doubt, I am holding myself accountable for a host of things, many of which aren’t my fault to begin with. I wish I was a better mom. I wish I didn’t ever lose my temper. I wish I was better at manifesting money. I wish I made better decisions about relationships. I wish I could let things go easier rather than riding them to the dark and bitter end. I wish I was happier more often. I wish I didn’t get depressed. I wish I was more playful. I wish I spent more time outside. Holy shit. I wish I wasn’t so damn hard on myself.
That’s it. Winner, winner chicken dinner. I am constantly abusing myself in the never ending drive for perfection. We all do this. I’ve no doubt. I think I might be a tad extra on this. When I was a child, my brother was pretty, um, challenging. He was high spirited, constantly into everything, very rebellious and mischievous. In his teenage years he was drinking and smoking whatever was available. He wrecked a car, got arrested twice, and used to have nasty screaming matches with my mother. Well, I took one look at that and said, “no, thank you.” I was the good child. I was smart, obedient, quiet, gentle, and kind. I got along with pretty much everyone and always got good grades. One of my mother’s friends named their child after me because I was some kind of model child. And the pressure started building. I periodically heard things like, “we just know you’re going to do great things and make the Harling family famous.” No pressure, though. The push, push, push got more intense. You need to go to school here and take these courses and be in these honor programs, and are you sure you don’t want to be a doctor?
Looking back I can see that somewhere underneath I began to believe I was loved because I was good. So, I decided to test that theory. I started getting in all kinds of trouble. I think I just wanted to know if they still loved me when I wasn’t some kind of startling success. As it turns out, they do. And I’m so grateful for that. Now I just want to have an easier life, but I don’t exactly know how. I seem to be stuck as "the troubled one." I don’t ever want to undo or unlearn all the magical discoveries I made by exploring all kinds of different drugs and spiritual paths and even bad marriages and single motherhood. I’m grateful for all I know now, but maybe I still feel like I am supposed to be punished for not having my shit together.
So, here we go. Kristin, you gorgeous rockstar badass mama bear powerhouse genius woman, I forgive you for not having your shit together. I forgive you for being so hard on yourself. I forgive you for needing to test others' love for you. You’re perfect the way you are. Your children still love you through the poverty. They’re grateful for time spent in your arms. I forgive you for not believing you were magical fairy enough to deserve both money and time with your children, or anything else you wanted for that matter. I forgive you for buying into the lies of the patriarchy and the capitalist death trap. I forgive you for being human. I forgive you for thinking you were supposed to be perfect.
Obviously this pic is mine
There it is. That’s the thing. All these things we think we’ve done wrong were never really wrong to begin with. This living in the body business is complicated, and it gets confusing, and I think we all need to assume more often that we are all doing our best with the tools we have. I couldn’t have done different than what I did because that’s who I am, and I’ve learned so much.
Still. I forgive you anyway, you gorgeous goddess, you.
For this I nominate @eco-alex, @vegan.ninja, and @holisticmom. I look forward to seeing where this conversation goes from here.
As always, all pics are mine or pixabay unless otherwise noted.
I’m a passenger on the @ecotrain, as well as a member of @teamgirlpowa and @steemitmamas. All three are worth taking a look at, and all three are on discord.