We've been talking this week about open relationships - especially since Karly changed her Facebook relationship status to 'in an open relationship', with me. Some friends were curious about this announcement and what it meant. Most were supportive though also some appeared concerned for her emotional well-being.
Even though I'm a very private person, especially in the extent that I reveal details of my personal life on Facebook, I didn't mind her making this public declaration - even though I rightly predicted that it would likely bring an avalanche of propositions from admirers, upon seeing her as open minded, adventurous and available. I think it's an interesting discussion for our times, and an important one, worth having.
Even though we are very much in love and have a connection that is rare and beautiful in it's openness, honesty and passion - the fact remains that our relationship takes place mostly in virtual reality and in the aching spaces of the Internet. We live half a world apart and get to meet very rarely in the real world. For ours to be anything but an open relationship would be unfair on both of us, and ultimately unsatisfying. So we are exploring the possibilities of love as an infinite resource and what this means in practical terms.
We have seen that in other cultures of the world, as well as throughout history, there are different accepted models for relationships - from polyandrous, polygamous arrangements to strict arranged marriages in which young girls will be locked away with the man she is forced to marry (often as a financial arrangement on the part of the family) and will be stoned if she so much as shows her face to, or looks at another man for the rest of her life.
In the west, we generally walk the middle ground between these two extremes - with loyal, faithful, monogamous marriage being the accepted norm and ideal. This is generally supported not only by the law, but also in the arts, film, literature, mainstream media and religious institutions. The devastating choices played out in the novels of Jane Austen - where the unfortunate heroine had to choose between two suitors that she loved in different ways - still plays itself out in Hollywood movies, TV serials and romantic novels as well as in real life, even today.
To me it seems to be the case that in all the different possible arrangements, some will suit some people better than others. There is no 'one size fits all' model for what a healthy, loving relationship should or shouldn't be. There has been a lot of talk about the differences between so-called open relationships and how they compare to closed ones. I would like to explore a little bit, the similarities, as I see them, from what I have learned so far..
The main thing about open relationships, I think, is that the people participating should be as open with each other as possible. This is not always as easy or as obvious as it sounds. To be completely open with another person takes a lot of trust and a lot of courage. It also carries a lot of risk - but I think openness is an important factor in any relationship, to whatever extent it's open or closed.
There are those people who are in long term, stable marriages who will say that part of the key to success in marriage is not saying everything to their partner. Not sharing everything. Even telling white lies sometimes. I've no doubt that there's truth in this. It's always important to be considerate of the feelings of our partner. If we truly love them, this should come naturally.
It's also important and necessary to work on defining and establishing healthy boundaries. This may often require a great deal of soul searching - we don't always know what our boundaries are until they are crossed. It may also involve a lot of (often tedious and unromantic) negotiation in order that any boundaries set in place are mutually agreed and understood.
To me, from what little I have learned about love - love means allowing the person we love to be free, to help them be fulfilled and to live their life to the fullest potential. It's about giving and receiving support to and from the one (or the ones) we love and trying to do the right thing by them. In this respect, an open relationship isn't so very different from a closed one. It's just more open.
When looking at ways to create a better world, one critical aspect is the way we look at, approach and judge intimate relationships in our society. These things are not set in stone and are always subject to change. The recent introduction and acceptance of same sex marriage in many countries is a good example of such changes that are possible.
I would be very interested to hear if anyone has any thoughts on this subject, or experience they would like to share.
There are no right or wrong answers.
With love
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Here is a piece I wrote six months ago about how Karly and I met and fell in love
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