I always found people complaining about the present day saying that the old days were better and I'm like "Bitch, the past sucked, they didn't even have WC what are you talking about?" For real, in this wonderful, stress plagued pre-dystopia we call the present you could be actually be sitting in the WC while connected to the internet via radio waves (yeah, wi-fi are radio waves, look it up, don't be lazy... like me) if you took a crap in say, the 17th century, you could catch cholera in the long run, those time were riddled with hysteria, panic, ignorance and violence, you could literally begin a witch hunt based on superstition... WAIT THAT HAPPENED!!! THEY CALLED IT...
THE SALEM WITCH TRIALS!!!
Source: Baker, Joseph E. | Wikimedia Commons
A really REALLY bad trend
The Salem Witch Trials were a series of really unfortunate events occurred in Massachusetts and Connecticut between 1692 and 1693, but you don't think people just got up one morning and start burning witches right? (I know they seem that stupid, but let's give them the benefit of the doubt, ok?). Hunting and killing witches was a really known activity in Europe because of th...
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Well, not exactly the spanish one (but I bet you didn't expect that), but all of the religious inquisitions had a campaign of pursuing and punish devilish behaviors and links, these were not exactly one event but many, they spawned from decade to decade and of course they were used to convict and neutralize political and economical competitions to the popes or religious organizations, humans being humans, you know how it is.
It only takes one asshole
And we have the name of ours, Joseph Glanvill, who in his Wikipedia page clearly states that he's "Not himself a scientist" claimed in his work Against Modern Sadducism from 1668 that he could prove that things like angels, demons and spirits are alive AND EVERYONE WHO DENIES THAT IS A HERETIC!! Of course, everyone believed him (the age of smartness and science for sure), not only that this text was used as a prove later in the Salem Trials almost ten years later, good job guys, I know he's a pretty face, but lets not give ourselves to the desires of the flesh... you know, because of the demons and shit.
But we need more than one dumb fucker to achieve this level of clusterfuck
Let us say that being a rational person in 1692 wasn't fashionable and everything could be a threat and when I say everything it was EVERYTHING from possible Indian attacks to the fear of a punishment from a higher being, you could be justifiable (or not) for anything you could see or imagine in the new world. And all of this paranoid hysteria was very present in Salem, there were rumors not only of Indians nearby but witchcraft, the devil and very bad omens, the population of Salem being Puritans, of course, were in panic, all of this is added that the social situation of the village was dedicated because of several disputes between the important families set the stage for a crisis to snowball with a little push (did you get that reference guys, haha pretty funny right?... guys? Ok, here you go).
Source: GIPHY
Let's start this party
Once upon a time there were two sick girls who did nasty inexplicable things, Betty Parris and Abigail Williams, they screamed and yell and hide under tables, doctors couldn't find out what was wrong so they took them to the meeting house and when the minister started to preach the girls screamed and wailed and said they were cursed by a witch... AND THEY BELIEVED THEM, THEY WERE 9 AND 11, THEY COULD HAVE MADE EVERYTHING UP, FUCK THIS SHIT I'M OUT!!!
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Ok, not really, and you would think "but two girls won't convince a whole town that witches are causing chaos and bewitching everyone, right?" Well, you have to take something really important into account... THIS IS THE 17TH CENTURY GUYS, OF COURSE THE WHOLE TOWN WENT INTO PANIC. And in this collective panic attack 3 women were arrested, Sarah Good a homeless beggar who rejected the Puritan principles, Sarah Osborne a woman who rarely attended church meeting and rejected puritan ideals as well (Do you guys see the pattern here too?) and Tituba a South American Indian slave... This is unbelievable America, you were profiling people even before you were America, well I guess now we know where it came from, witchunting... OOOOH, SO THAT'S WHERE "WITCHUNTING" COMES FROM!!! WOOOW!!!
Source: GIPHY
Those three women were "questioned" about their diabolic nature and horrid habits and two of them told everyone they were innocent, but shit hit the fan when Tituba confessed being a witch and everything else that she was accused, of course, witches don't exist ( stop whining, you all know Harry Potter is a work of fiction, FICTION, Hogwarts isn't a real place and you'll never be a wizard, grow up) and she wasn't one but we have to remember that these "questioning" came often with a bit of extortion and torture, god demanded it what can we do...
And you guys may have thought "Oh, case closed let's all head home and pray" HELL NO! This whole "witch stole mah broom" business lasted an entire year and killed 25 people, 14 of them being women 2 infant children who died in prison and one poor bastard that who was flattened by huge, heavy stones until he could no longer breath ( people are the most productive when you tell them to find a really creative way to kill someone...). This period of time in American history was so fucked up that accused people confessed just to accuse even more people and this cycle went on fueled by superstition, ignorance and hysteria.
But where is the evidence?
Oh, you wanted real evidence? What about comedy material instead? First we have Spectral Evidence, basically, this is a testimony of someone who was "afflicted" saying that they could see the shape of the person who cursed them in the first place, sometimes entering into a "demonic" fit, screaming and faking pain, the same thing Neymar does to convince the referees when he wants a free-kick, yeah a legitimate strategy.
We have too, the Touch Test ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)... No, is not what you're thinking guys, is way more absurd, this "test" consist on touching the victim of bewitchment while he/she is still neymaring (yeah, that's a word now)and if the victim stops fucking around then WITCH CONFIRMED. The logic behind this is that the witch send part of her evil energies to the body of the victim causing the curse and when it touches the victim again the energy comes back...
Source: Imgur
But at last, we have the best method, the ultimate way to find out if someone is part of the sex dungeon with the devil, rejoice because THE WITCH CAKE HAS ARRIVED. No no no, wait this was a thing, I know it is unbelievable but c'mon we are talking witches here. Ok, these people made a cake (it's ok if you're still laughing, I still am) from rye meal and urine from the afflicted people (you can continue laughing) and then feeding it to a dog.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SHIT THOSE PEOPLE WHERE NUTS! Ok, the reasoning behind this is that the dog eating the cake with the witch-particles would hurt the witch making her scream in agony, all aboard to the ROFLcopter.
Source: GIPHY
The real deal
Obviously, something was happening in this enlightened period of time in American history, and experts have some answers explaining the behavior of the Salem villagers. One of the most popular is Ergot Poisoning, this happens when people consume the fungus Claviceps purpurea which infects rye grain, this fungus makes people experiment LSD-like symptoms, however, this theory has loose strength with the years because it can't explain every symptom seen in the Salem Witch Trials.
Some other blame encephalitis lethargica, a neurological disease that causes symptoms similar to the ones told to be bewitchment or even Lyme disease, this is caused by the bites of some kinds ticks, their saliva contains dangerous bacteria that damage the nervous system, this theory makes some sense due to the conditions the villager lived in, you know, pooping in the ground, we already talked about this guys.
But the most disturbing theory comes from some historians (of course my mates have to be the weird ones) who blame not only some diseases but the whole emotional and social weather lived in the Salem village, mass hysteria caused by the looming threat of Indian attacks and aggressive projections from younger female villager against the old women who via the strick system of the Puritan lifestyle "controlled" the life of the younger generation, this theory comes from the fact that most of the victims and accusers were young females and the witches or accused were older woman in the top of the Puritan society, and baby boomers say millennials are entitled lol, these girls killed the old ladies when they told them to do their chores.
Yep.
And now that you know how to make a village do stupid shit, please don't do it, our world is already fucked up... unless they're flat-earthers, if you found them gathered you can make them believe anything or nothing... really they are really weird, but what do you know they might accomplish something.. just kidding those butt-brains know shit about, well, nothing really. You know what they say...
Source: GIPHY
Leave me a comment below
Other Sources
The Salem Witch Trials (1692) Cartoon
The REAL Cause of the Salem Witch Trials | Cool History
Almanac: The Salem witch trials
Salem witch trials | Wikipedia
A Brief History of the Salem Witch Trials | Smithsonian
Salem witch trials | Encyclopedia Britannica
History of the Salem Witch Trials
Five myths about the Salem witch trials | The Washington Post
The 1692 Salem Witch Trials
THANKS FOR READING!
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