CHAPTER 4 – COMMERCIALS
REAPER’S RUNDOWN
[An electric guitar can be heard in the background as Sully Sphinx is seen front and center.]
Sully: Hey guys, look, I’ve heard Genuin making all these claims about me.
[Quick shot of Sully taking a guy down with a clothesline]
He’s saying that he’s so much better and can beat me super easily.
[A clip is shown of Sully knocking Genuin off of the apron of the ring. Genuin fell with his back against the apron and rolls off the apron to hit the floor with his side.]
Not to mention that I’m some kind of coward.
[A clip plays of Genuin and Sully in the back of a limo. Sully is pounding on Genuin with punches while Genuin is trying to get away.]
Genuin: DRIVER! HELP!
[The music stops as the screen goes back to just Sully]
Sully: He said that I’m a coward, right?
[The same clip plays of Genuin and Sully in the back of a limo. Sully is pounding on Genuin with punches while Genuin is trying to get away.]
Genuin: DRIVER! HELP!
[Back to Sully and Sully waves his hand to the screen]
Sully: That guy needs a dictionary or something. Whatever, tune in to Reaper’s Rundown where I’m going to have a couple guests as we talk about our roots and what’s going on right now. I’ll also be giving “Mister Genuin” an answer to his lovely question, even though he never answered the one my super fan asked. It definitely wasn’t me writing all that.
[Sully looks left and right while looking guilty.]
Tune in, it’s gonna be awesome.
[Screen fades to black.]
1-800-YOU-SUCK
[The screen fades into a junkyard on a sunny day. Brent Banks walks over in a nice suit and looks right at the camera.]
Brent: Is this what your life feels like? Do you look like dirt? Are you embarrassed to be seen in public or even by people as a whole? Well there’s a simple fix, you need to take the time and admit that…YOU SUCK!
[Bells ring as subtitles saying “you suck!!” flash on and off. The camera moves over to Chelsea.]
Chelsea: Hi, I went on a date with this guy that I met online. He said that he had a nice car, a great body and even a lot of money.
[Brent walks over to get in view of the camera.]
Brent: Really? What happened?
Chelsea: The guy only makes 40 grand a year.
Brent: WHAT?
Chelsea: I know! His car was from two years ago and he was not even close to buff. I was expecting a ripped beast and I got some skinny stick.
Brent: Who wants a stick figure?
Chelsea: Nobody does! What a loser, he sucks.
[Brent looks at the camera]
Brent: This guy could have done the world a huge service by calling us and letting us take care of the problem. That’s why we urge all of these losers to call “1-800-YOU-SUCK”.
[A subtitle saying “1-800-YOU-SUCK” flashes on and off and stays there. Val and Sakura of The Entourage then walk over.]
Val: Hi, this is OCW’s finest: Val and Sakura of The Entourage.
Sakura: We know as well as anyone what it’s like to meet up with a loser and be disappointed.
Val: That’s why we happily endorse “1-800-YOU-SUCK”.
[A short, bald guy walks over to the four of them.]
Loser: Hi, I’m a total loser and I need help.
Brent: Great, we have just the thing.
Loser: Oh thank-
[Sakura puts the loser in a sleeper hold. The loser struggles, but soon passes out.]
Chelsea: Thank you, one less loser in the world.
Brent: Next, we will call up one of our classified and certified winners to take over whatever you were supposed to do and enjoy everything while you cease to exist.
Val: I can’t believe nobody has ever thought of this.
Brent: I know! “1-800-YOU-SUCK”, call us before you ruin someone’s life. “1-800-YOU-SUCK” does not call any next of kin or pay for any sort of funeral service. No offense, we just don’t care.
[The four of them give a big smile as the screen goes to black.]
BEER AD
[Fade into the living room of someone’s apartment. Two guys come in while holding a new couch and place it down in an ideal place that happens to be surrounded by opened boxes. GUY 1 looks around at all the work they will have to do when his eye catches something.]
Guy 1: Hey.
[Cut to a TWENTY FOUR PACK OF MISTER BAIT EXTRA with a WI-FI ROUTER sitting on top of it. Guy 2 grins.]
Guy 2: You thinking what I’m thinking?
[A knock off of the theme from Rocky begins to play. The guys set up the Wi-Fi and put the drinking in the fridge. Guy 1 gets out his phone. The phone screen soon reads “Network Name: MOVE-IN PARTY. 4B. ICE-COLD MISTER BAITS EXTRA.” The mouse clicks OK.]
Guy 1: Let’s do this!
[The two guys each drink a beer while a white van outside the building parks. Three masked robbers are seen; one girl and two guys, all wearing ski-masks, striped shirts and black gloves. Robber 1 gets the others attention to reveal that his phone just joined the Wi-Fi network.]
Robber 1: We need to make a quick stop.
[Cut to the apartment door opening while the music starts the chorus and soon turns into a Latin style remix. The three Robbers are at the door. One is holding up their phone with the Wi-Fi showing, another has a gun drawn, and the female robber is waving.]
Robber 2: Seriously?
[Guy 1 and 2 are just standing there with two very obvious erections.]
Narrator (OFF SCREEN): Mister Baits Extra, for the men that need a little help to master the bait.
[The robbers soon close the door, leaving the two guys staring back at the now-closed door. The two guys shrug and keep drinking. Fade to black.]
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