Hello, hivers. Good day to all of you and I would like to apologize if I didn't make another post due to my busy days again related to our Foundation Week. But it was done now and have a 50% rest yet still focusing on posting and engaging this community. I really miss reading and reblogging some post that was related to me especially in my that I wanted to share some of my experiences that I have lately. Actually, I've been thinking if I'm going to share about this of my feelings and emotions to all of you, but since I was envy to all of those hivers that I've encountered posting about their stories of emotions and feelings that they've felt, maybe it is the time to share mine. But before that, I would share first some short story of mine.
I was first a little girl back then. No friends, only me and myself alone. I was preferred by my grandmother to stay at home when I was a little to avoid some unneccessary surroundings that would cause to hurt myself in the future. That time, I was looking myself at the window, felt envy while looking at many children who were happily playing outside. I can’t count how many are they that time, but I can see their happy eyes that was full of joy and freedom. Every night that I’m sitting at the window, always sad and lonely. At that situation, I always ask myself when should I felt joy and freedom from this kind of painful situation that I have? Until my grandma decided me to attend my first day of school in elementary.
Well, I did it on my first day of 1st Grade in the elementary school that I’ve studied. But in my elementary times, I was bullied by my classmates because of my insecurities and broken family situation. Just damn it! It was almost 6 years that I've been bullied by them. Even though that the most traumatic and depressive experience I have, I still managed to finish my studies and graduated as an honor student in my elementary school.
After two months of summerbreak, it was now my time to have an experience in proceeding to my next experience of studying highschool. For 4 years of my experience in my highschool life, my life was tougher added by trauma and depression. Tougher because I've encountered many few but real friends, even tried on develop my unexpected social skills like joining and participating any activities and competitions in every events and recieved many awards and certificates on every recognitions and trauma and depression, again, since my traumatic and depressive experience in my elementary times came back and let it happen again which was made by my classmates who were envy at me, the people that I'm not close with and my love ones, who was cheated and betrayed me through my money. For me this was my worst experience I've experience again even though I've managed this time to finish and graduated with high and high honor awards.
Now that I've managed to surpassed it, I thought that this time, I will not experience this kind of traumatic and depressive experience again. Hahaha, it was really just my thought. This kind my experiences became worse when I stood up in my senior high school and college. But allow me to tell you what kind of traumatic and depressive experience did I've experience in my senior highschool. Although I was happy since I was not bullied by my classmates, I've got depress and anxiety both in on studying and working in my modules and household chores everytime, added by the toxic people around my safety environment. Also, I have an LDR boyfriend at that time, but was still cheated and betrayed by having another girl in their life and telling me that they need some space to think without knowing that meaning was "I'm not enough to be loved by them". Funny,right? That was the most freaking funniest words I've ever encountered in life. Even though I've still managed to finish and graduated in senior highschool with and with high honors this time, but still, the pain that I've encountered in my toxic environment was still there. I've already felt it that this time, it would be continued in my college life. And my thoughts about really happens when I was now stood up in my college. Although I've encountered many friends and colleagues, still the toxic environment was still there, made me tortured and heartbroken everytime I've encountered it, which was the result for me this time to having some trust issues to every people around me. Not only to that, every mistakes that I’ve encountered by others was all my blame. Yes, I've managed to study well but when I'm around to people, I felt that I'm still alone, not deserved to be loved and valued by them (except to my family).
Now, at this point of my traumatic and depressive and experience that I have, if I'm going rank at all, having traumatic and depressive experience that I've encountered in college is the worst experience that I have right now. Not only it would lead to have torture and anxiety in times now, but also it makes my heart weaker, causing to have an abnormal heartbeats that I felt everytime. I don't know why is this happening to me lately, but let's just skip that kind of my weak heart for a while. All this time, I've realized and asking this kind of following question that still stuck in my mind until now; (1)Why did my fate let this things happened to me?, (2)What should I really do or what kind of things that I can do to make my heart ease at pain from this kind of experiences?, (3)Am I still deserved to be valued and loved due to this kind of traumatic and depressive experiences that I have?
With these questions, I kept telling to myself that I can surpass this and everything will be fine, but this time, I don’t know if I can really managed to surpass all of it. I can’t blame HIM🙏 for these kind of experiences that was happening in my current life. Everytime, I think of HIM, all I can say that he has mains reasons why did this experiences happened in my life. But I hope after all of this, I still believe that with his guide and support, I can surpass all of this and with HIM, I believe that someday he will let me understand this kind of questions and everything will be fine.