Another one of those nights.
Words bouncing around inside my head like silly putty off a childhood wall.
Secret pain secret tears just keep laughing. Keep laughing. Cryptic antiseptic for the flailing soul.
Darkness.
Shame.
What would my mother say?
You don't talk to her anymore.
What would my father say?
You don't talk to him much.
Can I call myself a part-time orphan at 41 or do they stop running after midnight?

Reparenting.
It sounds ugly.
It's part of the journey. The journey gets ugly.
Should I have said that? Should I have done that? Should I have eaten that bought that looked at that wished for that fucked that signed that taken that step off that train and onto this high speed terrain that won't stop won't stop god please make it stop?

People stuff. Just everyday normal people stuff. It doesn't matter that my journey is unique. Nobody else can take it with me. [kick and scream]

How did I get here again?
Oh, yes, the journey.
Did I wake up to this or am I still dreaming?
Both. It's the journey. Remember?
I keep forgetting. I keep losing my mind and finding it again in these painfully sane places. [kick and scream]
Why did I put it there??!
No, wait, don't tell me.
The journey.
Tricky bastard.
Making me work for it. Making me fight for it. For what, though?
What am I fighting for?
My life?
Happiness?
What is happiness? Is it eternal bliss or a two-second burst of laughter? Is it marriage kids dog cat car car mortgage christmas at the beach house? [kick and scream]

Is it love?
Oh, love.
You fucking asshole. You manipulative narcissistic strength-sucking liar. I used to trust you, you know. I used to believe in you. Used to think you were all I needed, love in a cottage, all I wanted, love is all you need, until you turned into heroin dope crack cocaine sugar all I could do all I could think about, love conquers all.
Stay the fuck away from me, you edge-stealing freak. [cold shoulder, unreturned text messages]

No.
Don't tell me. Don't tell me that finding love is part of the journey. I'm still clinging to the delusion of happily ever after and once I figure out what happiness is I'm gonna go talk to the captain and see if we can't point the boat train wagon plane car bus love lust toward that golden horizon and keep heading into that shit until I die of an overdose.
Is that what you want? To derail and capsize and crash all this hard work?
No?
Well then what do you want from me, journey? Where are we going? What is our purpose?

.

.

.

.

.

...silence...

[kick and scream]

_{all words and photos made by me and cannot be used without my permission}