I've been researching the practice of shamanism for the last few months so I know exactly what I'm getting myself into next year when I visit Peru for the first time. I stumbled upon a specific article that really caught my eye. The author explained that all people want to hurt others in some way or another (either out of spite or cruel intentions), especially shamans. The goal for shamans is to learn self control, so no matter what situation life hands them, there is no threat of vindictive behavior. The second a shaman becomes vindictive, they are no longer shamans. Instead, they are considered sorcerer who use their powers for the wrong reasons. I have chose a very challenging road. Learning self-control in all aspects is extremely difficult, even for a shaman who has practiced for years. But life has thrown me curve balls this last month. These extremely tough life challenges have almost knocked me to the ground, but I have not fallen yet. And I don't plan to.
I am not writing this article for pity. Rather, I am writing this to show what I have learned from this extremely heart breaking experience. Shamans go through a lot of challenging things. It is no walk in the park, and I've learned to accept that.
A good friend of mine is an amazing astrologer, who (luckily for me) is very interested in my birth chart because it is so complex. Apparently my chart is the kind of chart you give to someone who has been studying astrology for twelve years because it's that complex. I met him through a friend of mine back in June, and through a simple basic reading then, he hit the nail on the head. He was even able to tell by my chart that my father was astray. So I eventually wanted to learn more.
At the end of August, I asked him for a detailed reading, looking into my life timeline. He was able to pinpoint certain dates, challenging points in my life, and when relationships started and ended. What really bought me on his work was when he pinpointed my lawnmower accident date (clearly without knowing the specific day of the incident). More interesting, however, was my career line. The turning point of my career was February 22nd, 2016. My eyes got wide while staring at my unique timeline. That was the day I experienced my first ayahuasca ceremony. Even more interesting, is that 2017 is when I enter Gemini in Career. February 17th, 2017 is the day it finally kicks off, and it does not end until 2051. Since I have had such a rough year, this has become my beacon of hope, and what has gotten me through rough periods in the last couple months. I see my goal to become a shaman, and that is all. I focused on nothing else .. until recently.
He also had some bad news for me, and because he was able to point out past challenging periods, I believed him, even though I didn't want to. He told me that March and April of this year were extremely rough for me due to Mars and Saturn (my strongest planets) constantly touching due to retrograde effects. That period of my life was so hard, and I was so incredibly depressed that I saw no way out other than to take my own life. Luckily I didn't. And I'm glad I didn't, because I got myself out of what was making me so miserable, and essentially saved my own life. This year has been a blessing because I've realized how strong I am because of how much I can take.
Even worse, he told me (back in August) that the month of October was going to be hell for me, and that it would not ease until December. I was a little disappointed, but I knew I would see through it. I mentally tip-toed through September, taking it as easy as I possibly could. I still wasn't out of the the very dark woods, but I at least had more money in my wallet than I've seen in the last two years. So I was happy that I was out of the depths of Rock Bottom. I even planned a trip to Mexico in the beginning of October. I remember thinking to myself, October can't be that bad.
Wrong.
A week before I left for Mexico, my mother had a seizure. I was up north with some friends and had no cell reception, so I did not receive the news until three days later. When I finally got the message, I learned that my mother had a CAT scan done, and they had found a brain tumor. The doctors said that there's a big chance it would be benign, so I did not worry too much. I made sure it was ok with my family that I still went to Mexico for a week, and I promised them I'd take the next three weeks off of work (which I cannot afford right now, but am willing to do anyway) to take care of my mom after her brain surgery. My mother even assured me that it would be fine that I go; that she was okay and her surgery wasn't until after I got back anyway.
But seizures make you do some funny things, and sometimes you have mood swings (though, my mother has always had mood swings, so I'm unable to tell the difference). When I was in Mexico, my mom started posting extremely passive aggressive posts that were clearly aimed at me. She might as well have written my name, it was that clear.
I messaged her about it, confronting her. I told her to just tell me what was on her mind. I didn't appreciate the passive-aggressive posts and that I'm willing to talk about whatever feelings she was experiencing. She told me that the posts weren't about me. I told her, yes. They clearly were. It didn't take long for the conflict to escalate. I was blunt with her eventually. I told her that she has never taken care of herself, and I shouldn't have to be responsible for that.
My mom is part of the old paradigm. She cannot handle emotions like a your average human being, and it's been rough trying to untangle that part of my subconscious for myself due to her behavior. But at least I recognize it, and I use psychedelics as my main therapy to face myself and untangle that damage. I also maintain a healthy lifestyle so my body, mind and spirit can stay on the same page. My mom, on the other hand, does not maintain a healthy lifestyle and has constantly victimized herself. She has constantly identified with her illnesses. Eventually, one must learn how to let that go. She hasn't faced herself, and I think she is too afraid to do so, like many other people.
At the end of the argument, she told me to never cross her path again, and that I would never be a decent human. I am so numb to this behavior because I've been stung by her words since childhood, and I've eventually stopped wasting my emotions on her.
Here's where it gets ugly.
My 17-year-old brother is mentally unstable. He purposely killed one of our family pets when he was four, and has played my mother like a violin since childhood. He has been arrested on numerous occasions, and has even gone so far as to stab members of our household with knives. It's ironic and still baffles me to this day that my mother was as strict as she was towards me while growing up (and I was a well-behaved child), yet spoils the child who destructs so easily. I have faced the truth about my brother; that he will eventually end up in prison because he has no remorse for hurting others, or their property. Most of my family has accepted this, except for my mother.
While out to lunch with my dear friend in Mexico. I received a message from my brother, simply saying Fuck you Macey. Unfortunately my phone died right when I was reading the message. So by the time I got back home, he had sent me a picture of him rummaging through my things. As I literally own five boxes of clothes and things with sentimental value at the moment (I am a minimalist), I became paranoid. I told him to calm down and to keep this balanced. We would have no issues if he cooled down. He did the opposite.
He sent me a video of him in the backyard, burning my clothes, my books, important papers. I had no idea what to do. I called my mom, and after the tenth time she finally answered. I don't EVER threaten to call the police. But this was an instance where I was willing to break my values. I told my mom to talk to him and I wanted confirmation that more of my things wouldn't be ruined, or I would call the police. My mother told me that if I called the police, she would tell them that I beat her. I was in absolute shock. I have never hit my mother unless she took the first strike, and that has been years.
I told her again, as calmly as I could that I just wanted confirmation that my things wouldn't be ruined. She told me that everyone hates me and to never call again, and hung up the phone.
The PM my brother sent me after I threatened to call the police.
I was in Mexico. There was nothing I could do from there. So I called my grandmother and told her to go and get my things. There was no sense of urgency, and it took her 3 days to go and get a few of my things. She told me that my mom had talked to my brother and only a few things got destroyed. I asked my grandma to specifically grab my Kratom, and a few other items. She only grabbed my Kratom. But because I was assured numerous times that nothing else had been destroyed, I eased up.
I didn't talk to my mom for a two weeks. But as I normally do, I forgive and try to forget, especially when it comes to family. Because she had a seizure she isn't allowed to drive. So last week I finally came home to help her situation and take her to the grocery store. She was at an appointment when I got to her house, so I went in to get a few of my things.
I was heartbroken to find that everything, and I mean EVERYTHING had been destroyed. My brother stabbed my yoga mat with a knife over and over. He cut up all of my clothes. He ripped up all of my papers. He even had the audacity to urinate in one of my boxes. And worst of all, he destroyed my violin by throwing paint all over it. All I could do was cry.
I got out of the house as fast as I could, and messaged my mother to never ask me for anything again. That I would never forgive what I just saw. I blocked her on all accounts to make sure I never had to see her or my brother again.
Above is my violin that is now completely destroyed. In an attempt at poor humor, at least he has good taste in color.
This last Wednesday, my mom had brain surgery. I didn't go. But when my grandma got home, she told me the worst news possible. My mom has cancer, and we still don't know what kind. I instantly felt horrible for not being there for her. So I went up to see her on Thursday, and we told her what we knew. She looked at me, and said "fuck you." I just sat there blankly.
I am battling demons right now. I've even had a few nightmares of demons chasing me. It has been challenging for me to keep my peace and to not want to be vindictive towards my brother, while I also battle the urge to help my mother. My mother knows what he did, and still continues to buy him whatever he wants. I cannot be around my brother, but I don't want to feel the guilt of not being there for my mom when she could potentially be dying.
As a future shaman, I'm trying be kind. I went to go and pick up my grandma from my mom's house on Friday. I wouldn't get out of the car, so my mom came out to me. I told her that for my own sanity and self-respect, I cannot be around the family. I want to escape. I want to run to Mexico and never look back, but as un-empathetic as my mother seems from this story, she has a decent side to her. She held me and I held her and we both cried. I told her she is going to have to face one day that my brother is toxic. If she wants to heal, she needs to send him away. For the first time, she agreed.
My mother will never be able to make up for the damages to my things, because she doesn't have a lot of money. I told her that my one request for all of my lost possessions, is that she gives me her credit card so I can go and buy her the things she needs to be healthy; that she strictly stay on a raw vegan diet, and take coffee enemas for the time being. I told her that if she victimizes herself right now, she will feed the cancer. Her attitude will have to change in order for her to heal. She agreed. For my mom, I think this is a life-altering experience, and I believe this may be the life situation that finally pushes her to re-examine her behaviors.
I also told her that I can't be there for her, due to my brother's absolutely unacceptable behavior. So I can give her the advice and come visit while he isn't there, but I can't stay to take care of her.
And I'm still moving to Mexico in January.
People keep telling me, it's just things, and they can be replaced. It isn't about the things to me. It's about the blatant disrespect. I think I handled this situation to the best of my ability. I am trying to be as shamanic as I possibly can before I become a shaman. For me, I think this is a lesson from the universe that deals with the topic of what I'm willing to let go of, and what I'm not willing to tolerate.
If life chose to throw another punch at me tomorrow, I could handle it. There's literally nothing left to lose.
What would you do in this situation? How would you feel? How do you act? Would you call the cops even if you don't believe in government? Would you talk to your family after the incident? These are incredibly tough decisions and no matter which way I turn, it will be painful. But I still see the big picture. I know what my purpose is, and I know what I am here on earth to do, and I will let nothing stand in the way of that. To avoid situations like this, I would like to see people find inner peace. It's the only way we will live without damaging our own lives, and the lives of others.
I was born in chaos. But I will not die in it. I want to break the cycle, and I believe that's what every anarchist is doing; breaking the abusive and violent behaviors of their parents. I have been called crazy in the past, but I truly can't blame myself for being "crazy" sometimes. And honestly with what I've been through (this is not the first incident like this, I should point out), I could be crazier. If I had let every incident like this affect my life, I'd be in a mental institution or using dangerous drugs by now ... or I could be dead. But I'm willing to face these things, especially through Ayahuasca so I can, again, untangle my subconscious and live a happy, balanced life. I told a co worker what I was dealing with, and she her remark was:
"For someone who is dealing with so much, you are handling it really well."*
I was really excited to hear this. It means I'm breaking the pattern.