I can feel something coming.
The anticipation for my time in the Netherlands on Psy-Fi festival is already starting to shake up my reality to the core - like every year before another festival. It's like something is looming on the horizon, expectations are torn down violently, time is fleeting more than my ego would like and my neatly laid hopes of preparation would allow for... there are so many things left to do for my passions and my heart desires, my chores and my daily human-being-things before I actually have to leave for the festival in the early morning, putting all I have already written on scheduled posting as of now in the hopes of somehow bringing it all under the same hat (as we say in German).
And that's the thing: "Having" to leave. I am outright surprised and laughing my ass off at the way I put that. Having. It's a psy festival dude - REMEMBER?!? - it's a place where I feel most at home because of the people around and the sense of openness in human society. But every time one of these festivals is right in front of me on the next day, I feel unready. Unprepared. Needing more time to get into the zone. Needing to make more preparations forthe journey and all the freakin' mind-born eventualities.
And yet, it seems like the cosmos demands its oddly fair share of energy from me doing all the things I really don't want to be doing now like spending all day in some work related prepping hall for show production infrastructure and the like, driving busses around towns to get from home to work, and putting food in my body just so that I can continue not being fully prepared for the actual things that want to be addressed and prepared from my heart's perspective. Maybe they were never meant to and it's just time to let go.
You know, spent way too much time at work today doing frivilous things for some multinational company that rents Madonna's tour the fucking PA system. Having to cut my toe nails because I'll be going barefoot for a week. Doing an extra supermarket tour so I will have a stash of beers for my time at the festival, saving about 500 dollars in bar tabs for me and my friends. Searching my belongings for the shirts I wanna bring, the undies I want to have with me, the rain jacket I'll probably won't wear at all. You know, all the "really important things"
I think it's fair to say I have gotten clingy again, perfect timing for the festival to come into my life and rip a freakin gulch into my rigid mode of controlling everything. I know preparation is worth it, but dang, I am looking at the clock again having done redundant and matrix-related things all day long to now find my 15 minutes to write about my thoughts, listen to some music and enjoy my mental preparation for letting go of all of it over the next week at the psy festival in NL. Poorly so as you can see.
I really do hope I'll come on much quicker this week than I used to. Letting go IS getting easier but will it ever become the norm? Not being clingy to illusory control?
Ask me again after this week is over and I am back. I know I will be flowing freely like a freakin' leaf in the wind. ahahaha.
Until then, everything on autoposting, comments on comments will have to wait a good ten days from now because I won't be with internet access. Some thoughts I started to write down and may be able to finish before my better conscience drags me to bed in the futile hopes of catching some sleep before a week of mind-opening experiences with the psy family recounting all the things I haven't packed out of the small catalogue that is my belongings that are left over after my recent move out of my apartment.
Universe, thanks for this amazing life ;)
It has already totally been worth it <3 <3 <3
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