"It’s not a particularly smart decision to continue in the direction where you were ambushed. Don’t you agree, Baron Nicholas?"
Dialogue feels a bit clunky. Tell your friend to make it a bit shorter imo.
'raven-haired person' --> raven-haired man
The owner of the voice came out of the trees as he said this-->remove 'as he said this'
As he did, another arrow flew ---> remove 'as he did'
“Oh, but you’re worth a lot more as a hostage than your belongings are as commodities.--> remove 'as commodities'
That’s because I thought someone was following me.”--> remove 'that's because'
I had a strange feeling also --> replace 'also' with 'too'
Whoever you are, come out now --> replace 'you are' with 'you may be'
a man who was dressed in armor --> remove 'who was'
affective entrance--> 'effective' entrance
I see that you have observed--> replace 'observed' with 'figured out'
He jumped up slightly and landed back down--> he jumped up and and swiftly landed
one foot placed on the other --> one foot placed after the other
and his hand pointing elegantly to the skies.--> his right hand
was holding back the hilt with a hand--> his hand
clapped the blood off from his hands --> remove 'from' or 'off'
He’s probably left by now --> replace 'he's' with 'he has'
These are just a few suggestions, some of which you may agree with, some of which you may not. Out of interest, is your friend an English speaker or was this translated from another language?
RE: Francis & The Pitfalls of Chilvary