Don't we all love some self-important type throwing a Grade One 'Tanty' - strongly reminiscent of a spoiled 2-year-old on camera. -- Anon Guest
Like all spectacles, this was one best viewed from afar. It was loud, it was violent, it was utterly ridiculous, and the people at ground zero had seen all varieties of nonsense and were therefore relatively unflappable, or just too tired to be bothered with reacting, it was difficult to tell. In person... it was just strange.
To the confounded spectator on site, it was just an ordinary day in a coffee shop. The people in the queue were just people in a queue, as regular as every other person going about their business. That is, until the very moment that the person ordering went from zero to ballistic in a matter of seconds.
Most of the incident was caught for posterity by a vlogger who had, right up until the moment of chaos, been talking about American Coffee Culture and the artificiality of literally everything in it. The apparent bone of contention was a fancy-looking danish in the display case and a peculiarly complicated coffee order. The coffee was a quad long shot grande in a venti cup half calf double cupped no sleeve salted caramel mocha latte with two pumps of vanilla substitute two pumps of white chocolate mocha for mocha and substitute two pumps of hazelnut for toffee nut half whole milk and half breve with no whipped cream extra hot extra foam extra caramel drizzle extra salt add a scoop of vanilla bean powder with light ice well stirred. The danish was a Raspberry and Candied Mint Leaf windmill with frosted swirls with a clear placard saying: CHRISTMAS SEASON ONLY. It was June.
"There's one right there, and you keep getting my order wrong. Listen. Quad long shot grande... in a venti cup. Half caf double... cupped no sleeve... salted caramel mocha latte. With two pumps of vanilla substitute. Two pumps of white chocolate mocha for mocha... and substitute two pumps of hazelnut for toffee nut. Half whole milk and half breve. With no whipped cream. Extra hot. Extra foam. Extra caramel drizzle. Extra salt. Add a scoop of vanilla bean powder. With light ice well stirred. Get. It. RIGHT!"
"I already put the order in, it's a quad long shot grande in a venti cup half calf double cupped no sleeve salted caramel mocha latte with two pumps of vanilla substitute two pumps of white chocolate mocha for mocha and substitute two pumps of hazelnut for toffee nut half whole milk and half breve with no whipped cream extra hot extra foam extra caramel drizzle extra salt add a scoop of vanilla bean powder with light ice well stirred. Correct?"
"NO!" The complaining person rattled off the exact same instructions regardless of the impassionate clerk's eye roll and then added, "And the Christmas Special Danish!"
"We can't give you the danish, we have none in stock."
"There is one. Right. There!" Agitated pointing at the display case.
The clerk took a deep breath and gave out the sigh of those all too familiar with the service industry. "Sir, that case is a display only case, the cakes, cookies, and danishes in there are all plastic fakes, nobody can eat them. There's even a sign--"
"I DON'T CARE HOW THEY'RE DISPLAY, YOU HAVE ONE AND I WANT TO BUY IT! I DON'T CARE IF YOU CAN'T OFFER IT OUT OF SEASON! IT'S THERE, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO BUY IT! WHY DO YOU DECEIVE YOUR CUSTOMERS LIKE THIS?"
"Sir, the display case is sealed and we can't reach in there. It's a permanent feature and all objects for display are made of plastic. We literally can't get anything out of there and we don't--"
"DON'T GIVE ME ANY BULLSHIT ABOUT NOT HAVING ANY IN STOCK! YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE THEM IN STOCK, THEY'RE RIGHT THERE!"
"Sir, that's a plastic imitation for display only, and--"
"I DON'T CARE I WANT IT! I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!"
"Certainly, sir." The beleaguered clerk left their post and vanished into the back. Everyone, visible in the video pickup was muttering about tantrums and why some people refused to pay attention or be polite. Some people were playing games on their phones, some were calling their bosses about being late, and the vlogger was impersonating David Attenborough offscreen.
"The hardy urban entitled boomer is now seeking comps as a potential mating display," they whispered. "See how the male's face and neck are now completely red in a display of alleged vitality. Little does he know that this is just one of many criminally understaffed coffeeshops in the local area. There is in fact, only. One. Staffperson at any time. Let's see what happens now that Sandra has had some time to scream into a pillow out of pure frustration."
Sandra the clerk returned, this time with a manager pin under her nametag. "Hello, sir, what appears to be the problem?"
"Your ungrateful brat of an employ--" His brain caught up with his mouth. "Wait. You're the same bitch who couldn't get my order right? Where's your manager?"
"I am the manager of this establishment, sir, and I must ask you to keep your language civil. If you insult me again, I'll have to call the police to escort you from the premises."
The vlogger called out, "There's a couple of cops like five spots behind me, Sange!"
"Or simply summon them from the queue," said Sandra, still unflappable.
"Give me the number for the regional manager or I'll sue this place into oblivion."
Sandra, not looking away, reached into a stack of cards and presented it to the entitled boomer. "Certainly sir."
The vlogger started giggling. "For those playing at home," they murmured, "That's Sandra's business card."
"You watch," said the angry boomer. "I'll get you so fired you'll have to shack up with a sugar daddy just to live another day." They spent some time getting the number right, but when they did...
Sandra let the ring tone sound and said, "Excuse me, I have to take this." She answered the phone. "Hello, this is Corner Coffee. Your order was a quad long shot grande in a venti cup half calf double cupped no sleeve salted caramel mocha latte with two pumps of vanilla substitute two pumps of white chocolate mocha for mocha and substitute two pumps of hazelnut for toffee nut half whole milk and half breve with no whipped cream extra hot extra foam extra caramel drizzle extra salt add a scoop of vanilla bean powder with light ice well stirred, and an out-of-season danish we literally do not have in stock, was it not?"
The double-take was priceless. "You obviously have the danish, it's right there in the display case!"
"Sir, those are plastic, and there's no way to access them anyway."
"I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO ACCESS THEM! GO AHEAD AND CALL THE COPS, BITCH!" The boomer grabbed a chair and smashed it through the glass of the display frontage. "I GET WHAT I WANT! I GET WHAT I WANT!"
The cops shoved through just as the boomer triumphantly brought the plastic display danish to his mouth and discovered that it was, indeed, incredibly inedible. The fact that he had hurt himself in the effort was not yet obvious to him, but he was outraged even further.
"THIS IS PLASTIC! WHAT THE HELL? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS BULLSHIT?"
At which point, the cops tasered him. There was no actual applause, but everyone who watched the spectacle insisted on tipping extra and apologising for the hassle.
It took two weeks for the songified version of the tantrum to go viral on the internet.
[Image (c) Can Stock Photo / NoirChocolate]
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