The aliens didn't listen. They were SO sure that they could overrun the human colony and wipe them out. They were warned by others that you did NOT want to piss off the humans. Their civilization survived the aftermath, but they most certainly learned their lesson the hard way. -- Anon Guest
It was a beautiful world. Predictable weather, mild seasons, lots of arable land and the gentlest water cycle one could get. It was almost perfect. Just one tiny flaw.
It had already been claimed by a pack of alleged Deathworlders.
"They can't be Deathworlders," said Assessor Zikk, throwing up the covert drone surveillance. "Look. They're herbivores. Herbivores would never last in a Deathworld[1]."
They weren't even farming meat. That was a clear indication that they were more likely to be meat. They had to be an easy conquest. Zoom in, buzz a few fields, and scare them off into their vessels. And if they didn't have vessels... Well. If they didn't work for the Zhukrik, they were suitable for meat.
Maybe they could be both.
All those warning beacons were probably from some other species planning to fatten them up. The Zhukrik could secure this source before the others could possibly move in.
Admiral Hukktaah considered the next move. "Frighten them into the most hostile territory," he ordered. "Kill any who try to remain. Kill any who try to return. We shall starve them into weakness as we thrive on their work. And then? When they beg us for mercy? We will decide what to do with them."
Things went according to plan, to begin with. The hairless ape creatures fled to the more inhospitable areas. Seemingly eager to be herded into the nastiest areas of the geography. The fleet set up automated defences and moved into these Human's crude buildings. Enough to keep the weather off when they slept. The cooking facilities seemed to be communal. Tribal. Weak.
That was what Hukktaah believed for the first couple of nights in his new planet. He foresaw a relaxing period in which the fleet took advantage of everything these so-called Deathworlders had made. Periodically checking to see if the remaining hairless apes were subdued, yet.
That was a simple plan that was doomed to failure.
The automated defences began suffering unprecedented flaws and failures. Loss of communication. Connection errors. Wasting ammunition on misidentified movement. Which necessitated someone to monitor and maintain the entire system. Those assigned night watch were especially grumpy. This was meant to be their time to relax.
One of the more common failures was a mystery substance appearing on the securicam lenses. Whatever deposited it did so at velocity, and the substance not only obscured the view, but ruined the lenses to the point where they had to be replaced[2].
Then things inside the fleet's secure zone began to go wrong. Corrosive substances in the circuitry. Adhesive substances in gearboxes. Disgusting substances in their food printers. And the waste disposal units kept getting set on reverse.
Somehow, it had become the most unpleasant conquest the Zhukrik had ever known. Tired to the point of exhaustion. Working around the clock to fix everything that was going wrong. Half-starved because the food was no longer safe. Hukktaah wondered how it could have all gone so wrong.
And then the Humans attacked.
They were not starving. They were well-fed, well-rested, and well furious. Those they didn't kill outright were subdued, bound, and kept in a very solid warehouse under guards suddenly wielding very interesting weapons.
Honestly, Hukktaah was glad of simple, unsullied food and a chance to sleep. He could only watch as the Humans picked his fleet to pieces and unriddled the Zhukrik translation technology.
Through that, the Human's first question to Huktaah was, "What the [UNPLEASANT AFTERLIFE] were you thinking? Didn't you see the [INTERCOURSE] warning beacons we set up?"
[1] Everyone from a Deathworld knows that this is factually untrue. Zikk has clearly mistaken the average life span of Deathworld herbivores with their likely rate of continued survival.
[2] Fun fact, clear nail varnish can completely destroy a concealed camera lens. Imagine what coloured nail varnish can do.
[Photo by Roger Starnes Sr on Unsplash]
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