The latest and greatest game show to keep the wage slaves neutralized!
Scene: A raucous crowd cheers. Spotlights, strobe lights, and neon sparkles dazzle. A smoke machine mystifies. Stepping onto the stage, a clownish version of a ken doll, Captain Smiley, struts around to greet the adoring onlookers. This is the live, global broadcast of……
The Super Bright Loud Happy Fun Distraction Show!
Captain Smiley (grinning ear to ear into camera): Greetings, all you millions of laughing lunatics out there! Welcome to everyone’s favorite prize-pumping spectacle, The Super Bright Loud Happy Fun Distraction Show! I’m your host, Captain Smiley!
Crowd chants “Smiley, Smiley, Smiley!”
Captain Smiley: Let’s go ahead and meet our contestants, two brothers from Chicago, Frank F. Feely and Richard E. Feely. Richard, can you tell the world a bit about yourself?
Richard: I played high school football and now I work for the TSA.
Captain Smiley (sarcastic): Wow, that’s really unique and interesting! And Frank, you played high school football as well and you’re a Chicago Road Pirate, is that correct?
Frank: That’s right, Cap’n.
Captain Smiley: Frank, I’m curious, what does your middle initial “F” stand for?
Frank: Uh, (scratches head) Am I allowed to say that on TV?
Captain Smiley: Ooops, nope! Don’t say that word! This is meant to be a program to distract all age groups, so no, you can’t say that. Ok, enough with the introductions. Let’s play! In case you need a reminder, here are the rules!
You’ll have to pass 3 tests, which could be in the form of trivia, a question, or in the form of a dangerous and dubious task. If you pass all 3, you win a million violence-backed tax slave survival tokens! If you don’t, well, you get a lot less! Are you ready?!
Crowd goes wild, Frank and Richard grunt.
Captain Smiley The first challenge is a trivia question. You’ll have 30 seconds to choose the correct answer. The question is:
Who played James Bond in the most recent James Bond film?
Frank (to Richard): Well, you’re the one always pretending to be a secret agent, so you’d better know this.
Richard (rubbing eyebrows): Yeah, but the pharmaceuticals I take mess up my memory.
Captain Smiley: If you want, there is a new feature to our game that might help you out. You can ask the audience, but this will reduce the prize pool to half a million violence-backed tax slave survival tokens.
Richard: Yeah, let’s do that. My head hurts.
Crowd collectively cackles.
Captain Smiley: Very well. Audience, go ahead and enter your answer on the touchscreen in front of you.
James Bond theme music plays while the audience enters their answers.
Captain Smiley: Ok, the results are in! Over 99 percent of the audience says Daniel Craig, and it appears that one guy said Jim Carrey. (looks up into crowd) There’s always that one guy, isn’t there!? (looks back to contestants) Ok, so what’s your final answer?
Frank: Looks like we’ll have to say Daniel Craig!
Captain Smiley: That is correct!
Loud bells and whistles go off, confetti flies.
Captain Smiley: Ok, guys, the next challenge is a dangerous and dubious task. I’ll need a volunteer before I reveal what it is.
Frank: Brother, this one is all you.
Richard: You were a better football player. I think you should do it.
Frank (getting angry): Little bro, you’re doing it! Ya understand?!
Richard (gets in Frank’s face): What?! (pushes Frank)
They start slapping each other and wrestling. The crowd laughs uncontrollably.
Captain Smiley: Ok, guys! Brotherly brawl is over! Miss Robota, will you kindly separate these two wonders of the schooling system? (motions to a humanoid female robot, Miss Robota)
Miss Robota comes over and forcibly separates them.
Captain Smiley: There are two ways we can settle this. We can ask the audience, or you two can do rock-paper-scissors.
Richard: He always cheats at that!
Captain Smiley (rolling eyes, huffy): Very well, audience, vote for who you want to face the dangerous and dubious task.
Crowd inputs on touchscreen while a drumroll plays in the background.
Captain Smiley: Ok, results are in! Frank, the crowd voted you in by a fairly wide margin! Congratulations, or condolences, perhaps. It looks like people hate road pirates even more than TSA goons!
Frank (flexing muscles); Bring it on cap’n!
Captain Smiley: Ok, Frank, the task is quite simple. Miss Robota, will you kindly give Frank the tools necessary to complete the mission?
Miss Robota walks over and hands Frank a hand-rolled cigarette.
Frank: Hmm, that’s a funny smelling cigarette.
Captain Smiley: Indeed it is, Frank. That’s because it’s a cigarette filled with cannabis! I’m sure that you, being an experienced road pirate, are familiar with it to some degree?
Frank: Oh, sure, I throw people in cages all the time for this stuff.
Captain Smiley: And I’m sure you’re also familiar with police dogs?
Frank: Oh, sure. I love police dogs!
Captain Smiley (cringing smile): We’ll see how long that feeling lasts. Ok, Frank, what you have to do is get chased by a drug-sniffing German Shepherd for a full minute while holding that joint in your hand!
Crowd gives raucous approval. Frank turns ghost white.
Captain Smiley: Frank, remember now, you have free will and can walk away, physically intact, or you can risk it for half a million violence backed slave survival tokens. It's your choice!
Frank: Bring it on cap'n!
Captain Smiley: Ok, road pirate, you've made your choice!
Frank gulps loudly.
Captain Smiley: Miss Robota, release the hounds!
A German Shepherd comes trotting out from a cage and instantly smells it’s target. The dog accelerates, growls, and goes full speed after Frank. Frank screams at a very high pitch and runs frantically around the stage. The crowd cheers with sadistic relish.
Richard (yelling): Give him the ‘ol shake n’ bake, Frank!
Frank starts to cry and does a series of cutbacks and deceptive maneuvers.
Captain Smiley: Look at those moves! Wow, he must’ve been one hell of a high school football player! Only 10 seconds left, Frank!
Crowd chants Frank, Frank, Frank! With only 3 seconds left, the dog gets Frank around the ankle and tears into him. Franks manages to hold onto the joint for the final three seconds. A loud buzzer sounds. The crowd goes wild! Miss Robota tosses a steak in front of the dog, who instantly leaves Frank to attend to the steak.
Captain Smiley: You did it Frank! I didn’t think you had a snowball’s chance in hell, but ya did it!
Fireworks go off.
Captain Smiley: Miss Robota, will you please take Frank to the back and make sure he gets lots of painkillers? (turns to face camera, cheesy grin) And not just any painkillers, Miss Robota! Make sure they're addictive, opioid based poison pellets from one of our sponsors, Jerck Pharmaceuticals!
Miss Robota carries a crying Frank off stage.
Captain Smiley: Wow, that was a lot of blood! Ok, Richard, it’s all up to you! For half a million violence-backed slave survival tokens, all you have to do is answer one final question. The question is:
According to Natural Law, which of the following is correct regarding a sentient being's right to travel:
A. All sentient beings can travel freely, unhindered, and without any other’s permission, so long as they do not violate private property.
B. People can travel with the President of the USSA’s permission only.
C. People can travel with the TSA’s permission only.
D. Travel is a privilege, not a right.
Richard (gleefully): That’s easy! D! It’s D! Travel is a privilege! Oh my lord! All that mon-ey! Woo-hoo!
Captain Smiley: I’m sorry to burst your bubble there, pal, but your answer is incorrect! As a matter of fact, you’re not even close! The correct answer is:
A. All sentient beings can travel freely, unhindered, and without any other’s permission, so long as they do not violate private property.
Richard starts pulling his hair out and stomping his foot.
Captain Smiley: But it doesn’t surprise me that an ignorant coward that wears a TSA uniform like you would answer dead wrong. Anyway, you’re not going home empty handed, Richard! You and your brother will each receive one 3-ounce travel-size water bottle, in the color of your choice!
Crowd cackles, fireworks go off.
Captain Smiley (speaking to camera): That’s it for this exciting edition of The Super Bright Loud Happy Fun Distraction Show! Stay tuned for more distractions! Goodnight!
Thanks for your time and attention!
Just say "NO" to slavery!
Top image is from wikimedia commons
