Today I was tagged by @ameliabartlett to share things I forgive myself for. Amelia wrote an inspiring raw and honest list that I'll encourage you to go read! (And she was inspired to write this from this gem!)

10 pointer I found in our woods: an ode to the valiant self

So What Do I Forgive Myself For?

I'm going to go about this a bit differently. When I was tuning in and reflecting on things I forgive myself for, I realized I just wanted to dig into ONE ASPECT today, something I don't think I've ever written about publicly.

Since I was young, I've always felt different. Part of me felt like I didn't belong here and, in all honesty, the "game" of human interaction, society, keeping up with the joneses, "making it" -- however you want to call it-- never called to me.

I remember reading a line of Shakespeare in highschool that captured this feeling I had

"no luste to play"

That's truly how it felt and I remember seeing my dog laying on the floor before I'd go to school and wished I was a dog for the longest time.

Not to mention, my dog was always super cool:

Yes! that is me :)

This feeling always made me feel very isolated and alone. That perhaps everyone else had all the "luste to play" in the world and I was the odd one out who didn't really want to engage, didn't understand The Why of the game and didn't have any desire for it.

touching on it

To Forgive is defined as:

stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

I want to liberate that part of myself that I think I have always thought of as a flaw or mistake of who I am.

Not wanting to take part in the Game that I saw going on around me has made me feel bad about myself. I have always felt like something was wrong with me- that I should want to play. I have secretly judged myself for this.

Just the other day, this part of me was speaking up again. I obviously have chosen to "Drop Out" of much of the culture at large (largely because I see it as a devastating and destructive force) and "Tune Into" natural off-grid living. I was having that "dogday" feeling again, where I just wanted no responsibilities, no path, no thoughts or weights on my being and I was struggling with that feeling, feeling bad for having it and wrong about myself in the face of comparing my responsibilities with so many others who work full time, have children to raise, people to take care of and so much more.

(photo from the summer after highschool before college)

It was one of those days and didn't honestly know how to break out of it.

I think in some ways this relates to PRODUCTIVITY and the capitalistic notion that if I'm not doing anything productive, I'm not worth anything. Time became money when people's days started to be seen in terms of how much they're worth. This has always disgusted me even before I understood that there used to be no such concept of an hourly wage or even an hour!

felt sense

In fact, I just read something that blew my mind in this must-have book Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home by Toko-pa Turner:

While ancient Egypt was already measuring time by observing stars and the interplay of sun with shadow, it wasn't until the 14th century that mechanical clocks were invented and nature stopped being our gauge. Before that, people measured time with sundials - so at night, when the sun was no longer in the sky, we stopped measuring. We moved instead into a timeless time, the dark hour of the moon and tides and the rhythm of dreaming.
It was the Catholic church who standardized time, divvying up day and night into equal parts. Morning prayer bells rang to signal the beginning of the work day. There was a significant shift at the end of the 16th century when we began to count the minutes within an hour to measure the productivity of labourers. Hence, the concept of 'wasting time' was born into cultural consciousness. The Industrial Age established a tremendous pressure to be productive with time; it became culturally ensconced that 'time is money.' It wasn't until the 19th century that a standardized, uniform concept of time even existed.

Before "the clock" was invented, people went by the sun dial, that meant after the sun went down- there was no time! Can you imagine that? And the day wasn't broken up into milliseconds of productivity, it was a Day and then The Night- the interminable night of Darkness where we dreamt and then woke up ultimately to the sound of Church bells signaling another day.

Forgiving the Hard to Understand Parts

This post is my revelation to myself (and you all as my witnesses), to liberate this aspect of myself that I really never talk about. It's an absolution to that part of myself that wishes to be a dog, that doesn't want to play, that wants to travel forever, opt out of society, romp in the meadow without a care, abnegate all responsibility, sense of duty, chores and who feels like she's from another planet.

When I was little I always had ALL the questions. Why are we here and where did we come from and WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING HERE? This is also a tribute to that part of myself who doesn't want to just rush ahead with life, this majestic mother fucking miracle, in favor of "taking part in the game"... this precarious so culturally time and place based myth that changes with each generation in its demands, fashion, kudos, and definition of what "winning" is...

go through the secret door

Why waste my one precious life feeling that pressure to live up to absurd mercurial, time and place based demands?

<--- remember when this was the cultural dictate?

This is one Very Large Feeling thing that I forgive myself for for all of time.

Ultimately, I can see that this internal feeling has led me on a very good journey that takes me out of the cultural demands placed on my specific Ego, into seeing life as something much larger with a wide open field of possibilities of HOW I CAN BE and what i can do with my human life. I have found "luste to play" for some things since I've been here and in learning how to follow these self directed longings has been like following my very own special inner compass. No one can give me permission for this and I can thank my dog-self for shaking me out of the cultural game enough to be brave enough to listen to what i really have a lust for.

So I ask you, dear reader, What Do You Forgive Yourself For?

As this "challenge" was so liberating for me, I invite YOU to try it (whoever you are reading this) and tag me in it so I can read your responses.

Use the #forgivemyself tag and write up as many things as you want.

Formally I'll invite

No pressure, just a gentle invitation ;)

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When I Wished I Was My Dog | Self Forgiveness Challenge