First time I saw her I was eight years old.
Second time I saw her I was 16 years old.
I am speaking about my mom
The age difference between my parents is nine years and she was not ready to raise a child and all those things. But boy I had an amazing childhood and life and my dad (read another article about my father being the best dad ever)
So one day I was at home I was eight years old and we had a visitor at home and all my heart and soul and intuition was telling me it was our relative and that is when my auntie told it was my mother.
First time in my life I felt the feeling of fear, I don’t know the fear of what, but just very weird feeling, so we asked her to leave and from that moment I started questioning things and actually realized that I never asked any questions about my mom before.
My dad would always tell me that she did not want to live with us and therefore she left and period.
So I grew up with a big negative attitude towards her, I was very angry and actually in my teenage years would hate her, I am ashamed to say that but it is true, I literally hated my own mom for some period in my life.
All this lasted until I became 16 and I saw her for the second time. My dad became more okay with seeing her and let me talk to her, I went to Moscow with my aunt, because my dad insisted I do not go alone.
Even though we stayed together for two weeks I still feel very bad towards her and I felt so much pain every time I see her, pain inside which I was shy to tell her and felt very uncomfortable to say to anybody.
This pain grew and grew and I thought that was my way: living with anger and hate to the person who gave birth to me. until I attended by a very amazing luck an event.
That is when my life completely changed, the event was about #FORGIVENESS and the #POWER of LETTING GO and doing everything from #LOVE.
The two days workshop was mind-blowing, it is very simple and like #dah sort of thing but knowledge is nothing until you put it in practice right? So after learning the power of forgiveness, the trainer made us pair up and imagine the person, who we feel very upset with and who we don’t like and she turned on the music very loud and we needed to screen to that person and express all our anger and just get it out of the system, where second person (who listens) does not hear you because of the music but just shows care and that are there to listen to you. And that what mattered - #GETTING IT OUT OF MY CHEST, for the 18 years of my life saying out loud how I feel and how much sad and left I felt and that although I had amazing childhood and my dad is the best ever I needed my mom to be there. So I said all that, in fact, I said so much more and I cried my eyes off.
Next thing trainer said for the second person (who were listening and pretending to be the one you are upset with) needed to say: "I hear you, I understand you, please forgive me." Well, I don’t quite remember exact words but the meaning is like that.
Our response had to be: "I forgive you, please forgive me too."
They say: “I do” smth like that. At the end, we change and my pair expressed her feelings to be we repeated the session.
OH MY GODNESS!
That whole thing lasted for maybe 50 minutes but those 50 minutes became the best 50 minutes of my life.
As I said nothing magical and super wow this is so new but it worked. I sent SMS to my mom that day and she flew to my place next week and we started slowly-slowly building relationships.
I am grateful I did not let my frustration and anger and fear to stay with me because I would not have my mom.
All I mean with this post: forgive and love people, places and just be better version of yourself, who is free of anger but full of love
Thanks so much for being here,
Elvira