Sometimes it's just fun to giggle.

I got these from a few different places on the internet, including goodreads, facebook and... I forget. Yeah, it didn't take a ton of work to assemble them. But it sure was fun, gave me some laughs and I thought I'd share. Enjoy!
^{Disclaimer: The views expressed in these quotes do not necessarily reflect the views of Another Joe.}

The Quotes of Steven Wright:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
36 - Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
37 - I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
38 - Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
39 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
40 - If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
41 - I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
42 - What's another word for thesaurus?
43 - The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
44 - There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
45 - If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
46 - I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
47 - When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
48 - I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
49 - If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
50 - If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
51 - Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
52 - I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
53 - I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
54 - The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
55 - I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.
56 - I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
57 - I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
58 - It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
59 - You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
60 - I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."