Have you ever replied to a scam spam email knowing full well that it's a scam; however you just felt like having some fun? Without doubt it is one of the most fun things I have ever done.
I remember it was a few years ago, when I received a classic scam email from a South African reverend and lawyer (clearly a multi-tasker).
The man told me I had won the Spanish lottery and that I was due many millions of euros if I would just send my bank details.
A Lottery Of Stupid
For me the most despicable thing about the Spanish lottery scam and others like it, is that very few people on earth are that stupid. I know the common denominator is often low, however there can't be many people who could possibly believe that they won a lottery they never entered.
So that only leaves confused old people and the mentally ill. I don't care what universe you're from, but targeting those two groups of people is beyond despicable.
If you are the sort of person who deliberately targets vulnerable people in the hope they have some easy cash for you. Then my friend, you have lost all humanity, you are quite literally the lowest form of life, and my only hope is that you haven't procreated and thus poisoned the gene pool.
Fun Times With The Spanish Lottery
So back to my email. The man tells me that I have won millions of euros and I need to send him my bank details and my mother's maiden name.
So I wrote back...
Dear Reverend,
I am most honoured and most pleased to win this lottery. Surely, as you say, your God is definitely smiling down on me. This is a joyous moment, and I'm only glad I get to share it with you, a complete stranger!
Please let me know when you're going to send me my huge check! Woohoo!
The trap was set, the lawyer reverend was sure to be hooked, and indeed he was.
Dear Sir
Indeed you are most fortunate and God has shown his love for you! Please in order for us to process this most fortunate win for you we must take a small administration fee. But first I need you provide me with your bank details, and the name of your mother before she is married. Do this post haste so we can process your €19 million euros!
Nice, perhaps it is the fact that they themselves are stupid, I had put in enough clues in the first reply. Or maybe he was just blinded by greed.
Dear Reverend,
As you correctly pointed out, God has indeed shown his love for me! For him to arrange the winning of a lottery I have never played shows that he is looking out for me personally. I think that I am so blessed that everybody else on earth must be damned!
Hahaha, I feel like a king right now! I'm rich and I can finally live the life I want!!!
Please sir let me know when you are going to send my cheque.
Hmm, lacking a bit of subtlety, however at the time I wasn't thinking about turning this into any kind of series.
Greed though, is a powerful emotion, hence the lawyer Reverend replied. He started to sound just a wee bit frustrated.
Dear Sir,
You are truly blessed by the Lord himself. I must ask you now to send me €500 and your bank details so that we can process your monies.
Okay, the first actual direct request for funds that's great. However I was a bit disappointed with the length of his mail, so I fired one straight back.
Dear Reverend,
I don't know what I have done to carry such favour with your benevolent God, especially seeing as I am a rampant homosexual! I lie with men all day, sometimes more than one at a time! This obviously pleases your God, so I have made a pledge that when I get the monies, I will go on a gay sex tour around the world!
Please let me know when you are sending the cheque, I have already been out on a spending spree on my credit cards. However I know this does not matter, because now I am rich! Would you like to borrow some monies?
Please tell me how to pick up the cheque for my winnings
You can tell I was getting bored here, I think I actually wanted him to start abusing me.
Sir,
You must send me €500 euros and your bank details.
Regards
Hmmm, I'm sensing some kind of homophobia coming from the Reverend, I decided to pull that thread just a wee bit more.
Dear Reverend,
This morning as I was sucking on the manhood of a stranger I picked up last night, I suddenly thought of you!
I wondered what you looked like, you have such a strong authority in your voice, and it is obvious that you are indeed a very prominent lawyer and trusted Reverend.
Do you think that perhaps one day we could be together? Especially now that I am mega-rich! Which by the way, you still haven't told me how to collect my cheque yet. Please do, because yesterday I bought a gold plated sex toy yesterday, and it was extremely expensive.
I probably went a bit too far in that one.
Reverend?
Reverend?
Scam Spam 2.0
So yesterday I was watching a James Veitch video (even though I did this before him, he's funnier and much more famous. So I don't blame you if you feel like I've copied him.) and I remembered what fun I had winding up the scammer.
Mr Veitch takes it to a whole new level, and the video had me cracking up. So afterwards I searched through my old emails and found the emails printed above. I also searched my spam folders for some new scams, and I immediately hit pay dirt.
Greetings,
My name is Major James Cooper. I am an American soldier, presently in Afghanistan for the training, advising the Afghan forces and also helping in stabilizing the country against security challenges. With a very desperate need for assistance, I have decided to contact you for your kind assistance to move the sum of (US$38,000,000.00) Thirty eight Million United States Dollars to you for investment purpose if I can be assured that my interest will be protected until I complete my service.
Some money in various currencies was discovered in boxes at a farmhouse during a rescue operation we conducted in one of the attacks by the terrorists and it was agreed by my colleagues and I that some part of this money be shared among us. The above figure was given to me as my share, and to conceal this kind of money became a problem for me, so with the help of a British doctor working with Red Cross, I was able to get the package out to a safe location entirely out of trouble spot. he does not know the real content of the package, and believes that it belongs to a British /American medical doctor who died in a raid here in Afghanistan, and before giving up, trusted me to hand over the package to his Family.
I have now found a much secured way of getting the package out of Afghanistan to you for pick up and I will discuss this with you when I am sure that you are willing to assist me. I am ready to compensate you with 30% of the $38 million USD for your assistance.
I do not know how long we will remain here, and I have been shot, wounded and survived two suicide bomb attacks by the special grace of God, this and other reasons I will mention later has prompted me to reach out for help.Please contact me as soon as possible with the following details:
Full Name:
Full Address:
Tel/cell numbers:
Occupation:God Bless you as I look forward to your positive response.
Truly yours,
Major James Cooper.
My response,
I'm in!
Please send me details of how to get this money. I will definitely help you to invest!!!
Unfortunately it was fairly late at night and my mind wasn't as sharp as it could have been, or I would have formulated a much better reply. For instance I may have picked up on the way he said he was in Afghanistan for *"the training"."
Or maybe even played around with the fact that a $38 million package would be around the same volume of a decent sized army transport truck.
Anyway, I'm hoping that the Major replies to me, as I'm pretty sure I can string this one out for a bit. I have some great ideas on how to have this guy tearing his hair out.
😈😈😈
James Veitch hilarious email spam
WHAT ABOUT YOU GUYS, HAVE YOU EVER REPLIED TO A SCAM EMAIL KNOWING IT WASN'T REAL? OR PERHAPS YOU HAVE BEEN UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO BE CAUGHT BY ONE OF THESE SCUMBAGS? OR MAYBE YOU JUST HAVE SOME SUGGESTIONS AS TO WHERE THIS LATEST ONE COULD GO?
AS EVER, LET ME KNOW BELOW!
Title image: Free license on Pixaby