I've never been eaten by an alligator.

Dear minions,

I've never been eaten by an alligator.

I bet you've never been eaten by an alligator.

Not a whole lot of people get eaten by alligators when you think about it...

So why do alligators have such a bad reputation?! It's not their fault if sometimes they get hungry. Since most of the time they don't eat people, I don't see why we're so hard on them...

Listen, it's not like I haven't tried to get alligators to eat people.

I fill my moat with alligators and most of the time the useless lizards just sit there sun bathing. They never eat anybody. People cross over all the time, the best I can hope for is a muskrat to bite someone and give them rabies. Not the alligators. They can't be bothered.

Stop worrying about alligators. Unless they're under your bed, then you should worry about a lot of things like who built your house and if there's a draft, but still not the alligator.