Tuesday, 12pm. (Mortal Kombat sound track plays softly in the background).
Clark! Clark! She screams from the top of a building, tied to a rope and dangling from over 12 stories above.
Oh my God! This is it! This is the end!
Thoughts swirl in her head as she dangles from 15 floors above the fast moving traffic beneath them. Zod the villain, smiles beside her, his mind already concocting some sinister plan as he waits for the arrival of Superman.
Meanwhile......
Clark is somewhere in a Bet9ja shop, shouting "give me 1936! (code number for a game; Atletico Madrid vs Arsenal FC)". He is so lost in the plethora of voices flying over his head that it takes him casting his prediction and stepping outside the bet shop to hear Lois screaming his name from miles away.
"Damn! I haven't ironed my cape".
Our costumed man remembers as he sprints to the back of the bet shop, to change into his superhero outfit. Epileptic power supply being a norm in the country, he decides to take off without looking his best. Boom! He takes off only for a while, before remembering that he is yet to eat. Oh! And he almost forgets his mobile phone right where he was charging it at the bet shop, but remembers in time to pick it up!
After flying for about 15 minutes, Superman meets his first obstacle. a few metres from him, there's a maze of tangled electric wires, all in the perfect harmony of illegal connections (since the electricity company would always bill us outrageously, we have to take matters into our own hands). Seeing a huge stretch of such maze before him, Clark decides to run instead.
Soundtrack changes to Ramin Djawami's Game of Thrones composition.
The gridlock ahead proves to be difficult, but Clark, after visualizing the eternal torment he would have to endure if he doesn't make it, forges ahead.
You no sabi drive? You don smoke? Wetin dey worry this guy for front? Oga, make I come drive your car for you?
These and many more he hears as he powers through traffic on foot, accompanied by blaring horns.
Phone beeps. Clark takes a sneak peep at his phone, and sees a message from "Mom".
Do not forget to pick up my cloth from Chinonye. Love, mom.
Clark decides, even as he speeds towards Lois, to ignore the message. *"I would go to the tailor's on Thursday", he tells himself. After all, in Nigeria, tailors are destined to disappoint. Notify a Nigerian tailor 10 months from time, and on the 9th month and 28th day, he would tell you he doesn't know which of the materials with him is yours.
3 clicks away from hostage scene.
As the man from Krypton approaches, he spots a hawker.
"Abeg, you get gala and lacasera", he asks? "Yes oga", the hawker replies.
"Man shall not die of hunger", he whispers to himself, even as he pays for the quick snack.
"See Superman", an excited kid screams as he attempts to enjoy his brief snack in solitude. Very soon, a bunch of equally enthusiastic kids and teens surround him, and the all too familiar "find something for the boys, we are loyal" rallying cry erupts. Clark, with a forced smile on his face, drops a couple of bucks for the lads. " I bin wan use this one settle Zod oo", he mutters.
4:49pm, hostage scene.
Clark finally arrives the crisis scene. Zod, impatient from waiting for so long, has kept himself busy by watching highlights of his favorite football team, Manchester United.
A weary Superman shouts from the ground below:
"Zod! Release Lois to me and I promise that no harm shall befall you!"
and Zod replies:
"O boy! Calm down! Wither you? Why you dey shout for everywhere? Na only your babe dem dey kidnap?"
This reply infuriates Superman, who flies up. On reaching the top of the building, he says:
"Oya, repeat wetin you bin dey talk!"
To which Zod answers:
"Bros! No be by muscle. No be by power. I get one jazz here. If you do anyhow, you go see anyhow. This thing dey simple. Find something drop make we for dey go our separate ways."
"Chairman, I don use wetin I bin carry take show boys love wey bin block me for road", Superman says in an attempt to get Lois released.
Zod: Die! Die! Die! (stretches his arms, and some magical current flows through)
Cut! Cut! The director yells, as the cameras are rolled back and the actors are made to go through their lines again. Did I forget to say that this was the making of a Nollywood movie, Superman and Amarachi, Part 1? Oh! My bad! Lol. I love my country, though!